My last relationship ended badly. How much should I divulge to future dates?
Question is: How much do I divulge if asked why it ended or if we are still amicable? (We are not.) I really do not want to explain, and I am not sure how to do it without it raising red flags.
– Flags
A.
You can offer information when it feels right. You don't owe anybody your full story on a first date — or even a fifth.
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If you want to give a short version of what happened, you can say you were in a relationship that turned into something unhealthy, which is why you're single now. That makes sense.
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Honestly, I don't think anyone will question why you're not in touch with your ex. Many people break up and never speak again.
As you have more and more dates, know that this is about a gut feeling. Share things when you're ready, and the right people (for you) won't see this as a red flag. They'll care about you and listen.
If your past turns out to be a deal-breaker for someone — or if you have a strong feeling you shouldn't open up to a person after a bunch of dates — it's not meant to be. Not everyone is a match.
I hope you're not seeing your history as a mark of shame that makes you less valuable as a potential partner. I also hope you've spoken to a counselor about what you went through — and whatever feelings come with it.
Everyone has a few things they're nervous to talk about on a great date. When people are open and empathetic about your history, it's a good reminder to return the favor.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND
My perspective would be that if I were dating, I really wouldn't care to hear much at all about my BF's past girlfriends. KIWNTERS1
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The code we use as survivors is: My ex wasn't a nice person. In all honesty, if you are less than a year out of a long-term relationship where domestic violence was a feature, I would wonder whether therapy, one-on-one or group, would be a better use of your time than dating. AULDYIN
You can start with something as innocuous as 'we wanted different things.' As time goes on, you can share more about how things were unhealthy/turbulent. Any person who gets upset that you didn't share everything right away is unreasonable and entitled. BONECOLD
As a fan of Court TV/true crime, I wouldn't want to date a person with a restraining order for fear of reprisals [from the ex]. I would want to know about that if our relationship became exclusive/intimate, and decide for myself about my personal safety. AUNTTIGGYWINK
This is not something you need to explain. 'It wasn't the right relationship for me' covers a lot of ground. WIZEN
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