Dear Richard Madeley: ‘How can I rebuild trust after years of alcoholic chaos?'
Dear Richard,
Roughly six years ago, in my mid-20s, I found my life pulled out from beneath my feet. Nothing extraordinary, but a redundancy and the end of a long-term relationship quite simply crushed me. Prior to this I'd always considered myself a fairly resilient, capable individual. Not so. My response was one that surprised me and those around me – I simply hit the self-destruct button. In my case, that meant hitting the bottle. Hard.
Safe in the oblivion that followed, I took consolation in the fact that I'd likely not live long enough to see the impact of my behaviour. Yet, a few years down the line, after extensive medical intervention, I find myself in near-perfect physical health. This is great and unexpected news, and I can't help but feel somewhat proud to come out the other side unscathed.
However, the biggest problem now faces me: nobody wants to know me any more. Close friends, family, acquaintances – all have cast me aside. This I, at least to some degree, expected. I wasn't, however, prepared to be written off. I've never been a troublemaker and have never intentionally done anybody (besides myself) any harm. I certainly don't blame anyone for their caution, but to go from a fairly popular, friendly member of the community, to someone widely dismissed as a 'wrong 'un', is hard to take.
I'm hesitant to leave the area I live in. I've been here all my life and I still feel a little too delicate to start anew. It's been hard enough finding a new job, considering the black hole in my CV. Should I simply give it time?
I've been sober for more than a year now. I'm not a bitter person, but I feel I'm being served a lengthy punishment from which a reprieve seems increasingly unlikely.
– LS, via email
Dear LS,
'Yes. Yes. Yes,' is my answer to the question near the end of your honest, almost self-lacerating letter. You must give it more time.
I fully realise that 12 months of sobriety, to you, feels like a lifetime. Presumably, the alcohol-poisoned years that preceded them are pretty much a blur, whereas now you experience every sober minute in sharp relief.
But those around you will inevitably set this last year against all the long chaos that went before. Unlike you they'll remember everything that happened in all its excruciating detail. And they're probably suspicious; they'll need more evidence that you've genuinely – and permanently – changed before they risk investing in you again.
I'm not saying that's right and I'm not saying it's fair. But as you're discovering, it's part and parcel of your journey back into the world of sobriety.
So yes, you must be patient. By your own summarised account you treated those around you badly in the troubled past. That's not your fault: you were ill. But whatever wounds you inflicted you have to allow time to heal – which, in most cases, they will. Just give it time, LS, give it time.
And, yes, in the meantime, be proud of yourself. You deserve to be. You've hauled yourself out of the pit. Well done.
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