Ninth hole negotiations: Sneak time travel peek into Trump/Ramaphosa's meeting at Bedminster golf course

Daily Maverick

20-05-2025

As the meeting on Wednesday, 21 May 2025, between presidents Donald Trump and Cyril Ramaphosa comes into focus, Daily Maverick has worked out a way to get the jump on all other reporting on the event. The key question is whether this meeting turns into a repeat of that dreadful Zelensky-Trump encounter, or will it be closer to the more normal-style Carney-Trump or Starmer-Trump meetings?
Fortunately, there was a way to find out, but we had to get ahead of the press pack. So, we fired up our brand new teleportation-time machine, powered by a whole rack of Nvidia new generation computer chips connected to an array of quantum computers, and guided by some special Chinese-developed, generative AI software, and a flux capacitor.
Using some ultra-accurate GPS readings, we set our vehicle to arrive at the precise coordinates of the woods bordering the ninth-hole green of Donald Trump's Bedminster golf course, at precisely 4pm, Eastern Daylight Time.
We were extremely fortunate in having that ultra-closely held presidential schedule leaked to us yesterday by a source in the Union Buildings, as well as receiving the very same information passed along by an old acquaintance in the White House's transportation coordination team, naturally using the Signal communications app. Both sources thus confirmed that the two presidents would fly together to Trump's New Jersey golf club immediately after their Wednesday morning meeting in the Oval Office.
The plan was for the two presidents to go to Trump's Bedminster club where they would play a round of golf to mark the conclusion of their talks in Washington — and, at a minimum, to recognise that the meeting hadn't been reduced to a rancorous, angry shouting match.
Neither US Vice-President JD Vance nor Elon Musk were scheduled to participate in the golf match, but Secretary of State Marco Rubio and Agriculture Minister John Steenhuisen were designated as honorary caddies. After the match, there would be a traditional American-style barbecue at the Bedminster club with a carefully selected group of representatives from major corporations with investments in South Africa — or companies considering African investments.
My sources also told me secretly that Ramaphosa planned to present Trump with a special gold-plated putter, personally autographed by both Ernie Els and Gary Player, a copy of the book Ramaphosa wrote extolling the beauty of Ankole cows, as well as a mahogany, hand-carved, ceremonial Zulu staff, suitable for a royal prince. But no one-of-a-kind aeroplane.
The Trump gift package included an autographed copy of his personally selected portrait for Time magazine when he was chosen as their Person of the Year (superimposed on maps of the Middle East and Ukraine), framed in gold and embossed with a newly minted family crest.
Also included were autographed copies of The Art of the Deal and that Trump Bible, both books bound in hand-tooled bison hide, and adorned with a 24-carat gold-leaf American eagle motif. There was also a copy of the Melania book, autographed of course, plus a gold copy of a $Trump crypto coin.
The time machine
Putting some iron rations and a few other necessities in a rucksack and hoisting it on to my shoulders, I slid onto the saddle of our machine, pressed the start button, almost instantly smelled the faint odour of ozone in the air, and then, with a slight whirring and the dimming of the furniture in the office, the room lights flickered, just as HG Wells had predicted in his novel The Time Machine.
Suddenly, there was a shudder as the machine put itself into pause/sleep mode and we were positioned right on the edge of the ninth hole, and we were obscured by a small grove of trees and azalea bushes. It was the perfect hide to be able to observe the two men's approach to the green without being seen by anybody else.
I covered our machine with the camouflage cloth I had brought, took up my observation position, and set up my miniature video camera/recorder and a small dish antenna to pick up any exchanges between the two men.
Just as I had calculated, within minutes they soon approached the tee for the ninth hole. Donald Trump graciously allowed the South African leader to take the first swing, and Ramaphosa hit a superb drive up the fairway, with the ball landing just twenty-five metres from the green. The American host then took his own swing. His ball landed even closer to the green, but it was poorly placed, virtually at the edge of the rough, off to the left.
Both men then selected their irons and drove their golf balls towards the green, although the American president's ball rolled perilously close to the trees into some ground cover on the opposite side of the green, before rolling to a stop between two bushes. Ramaphosa's ball landed on the green, but because it had too much English on it, it spun towards the sand trap and then into it.
While everyone else was watching the South African's shot, Donald Trump very quietly moved his ball a few inches with his foot to get a better shot back to the green, a move he took with a look of pure innocence on his face, betraying that fact he knew what he had done; the others knew it; and he knew that they knew — but that it simply did not matter. His course, his rules.
For a moment, the Secret Service escorts and the assorted staffers, the two actual caddies and the two honorary caddies exchanged looks — but, finally, they all shrugged their shoulders, the code of presidential omertà at work. This was a game; it was not a war, after all, and the Oval Office talks had gone just well enough that it was not worth making a fuss over an infraction that could upset the balance. Let it be; let it be.
Ramaphosa, meanwhile, took his best swing with his sand wedge and just managed to get the ball back on to the green, about 10 meters from the cup. Both men now had tough shots to the cup, but it was theoretically still possible to achieve par — if they were a bit lucky.
The travelling members of the White House press corps were now jostling hard to get a closer look at the competition between the two golfers. Cameramen were clambering up their portable aluminium ladders in order to get better shots, even as the Secret Service was working to keep the media from spilling over on to the green. A police helicopter hovered overhead and two drone craft were patrolling the fairway as well. The growing clatter was now making it hard for the golfers to focus on their game.
'My club, my rules'
Nevertheless, our antenna managed to pick up some fragments of conversation, despite the aerial noise level.
Trump: … I like the ideas for an agreement to increase imports from the US into South Africa and to make it much easier for companies to set up their businesses in South Africa, hire foreign experts and managers, and operate without political interference.
… Of course you will have to figure out some way to make all those racially biased regulations go away — I can't really make it sound like I was wrong in what I said before. But our two countries do have lots in common. Yes, I understand you have politics too. And you do have great golf courses, Gary Player has told me…
Ramaphosa: … (static, unclear)… We really do want more American investment to grow the number of companies and jobs. We have lots of unemployed young people. Our future depends on creating employment, and lots of it. We already host more than 600 US companies. They are usually good corporate citizens, but we would love to have more of them, as long as they adhere to our laws, of course…
… I hope our two senior staffs will reestablish a bilateral commission, a working group, and a war room to identify the impediments to such economic participation. We will be happy to set up a full educational process about our laws relating to expropriation — what Americans call eminent domain…
… In addition, we offer to do whatever we can to bring an end to the awful Ukraine conflict — all those young men dying as you have reminded the world — and to offer our resources to help end the awful devastation in Gaza. While we can't retract our earlier push for an international court to address what the world sees daily on its television screens, I am glad we agree the achievement of a more permanent peace in the region is the goal. I am glad to see, too, that the United States is reaching out to Iran…
… As for those Afrikaners who really wish to leave our land, let me just say we can assist in the departures, but let me give you an assurance we want all our skilled people — black and white — to contribute here. This could even extend even to people who emigrated years before, perhaps they can consider returning to the country of their birth…
Trump: (interrupting)… Cyril, go ahead, hit your ball. I'll wait. It's okay, I'm the host, it's my club and golf course. My rules.
The two men took careful aim and Ramaphosa's ball came painfully close to the cup, but stopped just short. Trump's ball, meanwhile, rolled forward and swirled around the top of the cup until a gust of wind from the helicopter or one of the drones pushed it back.
Trump: Go ahead, tap it in. Close enough to count.
Ramaphosa: Yours is a gimme, too. No problem.
Trump: Hey, who's keeping score? Marco? Never mind, let's just call it a draw and go eat. You like a good grilled steak with ketchup and fries? Didn't you used to own some McDonalds restaurants? Great food there.
Under the cerulean blue sky, with puffs of white clouds scudding across it, the two shook hands and smiled for photographers. The perfect photo.
But then reality. There was no joint communiqué issued after the Oval Office meeting or from the following conversations over the golf match, at least not yet. The bilateral disagreements were yet to be resolved, despite the apparent bonhomie on display. This was a performance. The real diplomacy would have to come afterwards.
We crept quietly back to our teleporter/time machine, took it out of sleep mode, and returned back to the present with our story. DM
Letters will be edited.