‘I felt nothing': Devine's comeback after hitting empty

Newsroom

24-05-2025

It was one of the finest displays of Sophie Devine's illustrious career – and yet, she felt nothing.
She knew she had little choice but to turn her back on cricket and fly home.
That late January day at Hagley Oval, Devine claimed a five-wicket haul for a miserly 13 runs – her best performance with the ball in a T20 match, international or domestic – bowling for the Wellington Blaze against the Canterbury Magicians. Her first-ever T20 five-for.
But the newly crowned world champion was exhausted. And numb.
'It was a pretty big sign when there's no emotion attached to it,' she says. 'In any cricket when you get a five-wicket bag, you're going to be pretty happy. But for me, I felt absolutely nothing at all.
'Part of me feels a bit sad now that I'm in a better headspace. But that's just where I was at that time, trying so hard to manage things.' One of the most explosive allrounders the game has ever seen was unravelling.
When a New Zealand Cricket Players Association rep at the game took one look at her and said, 'You need to go home', Devine couldn't argue.
'It was pretty obvious that I was in no state to keep trying to push through,' she says.
'For someone who's so incredibly passionate and competitive to have this feeling of numbness and trying to fight back the tears and stay present, it just wasn't possible anymore.'
Straight after that game, a 10-wicket win to the Blaze (who went on to win the Super Smash title), the White Ferns captain was on a flight back to Perth, which is now her home. She arranged with New Zealand Cricket to take time away from the game, to prioritise her mental health and wellbeing – unsure if she'd ever return.
Now, after a decent off-season break including a holiday in Bali with her partner, Devine is happy and refreshed, and open to talking about her mental health.
'It's never nice to see or hear someone going through it, but the more we can normalise it by talking about it, hopefully it might help – even if it's one person, it's something,' the 35-year-old allrounder says.
'Everyone's fighting their own battles, no matter what it looks like. You feel guilty because you're thinking, geez, I've got a dream job, I'm doing what I love, I get to travel the world and play cricket. Why should I be complaining when there are people out there who've got it so much tougher?
'But at the end of the day, it's what's relevant to you, and I think that's what's so important, is that everyone's story is so different, so unique to them, that you can never judge what people are going through, or how they handle it.'
In a fortnight, Devine will fly back to New Zealand for a White Ferns camp in Christchurch. She's already looking ahead to the ODI World Cup in India in October.
She heads to England in a couple of months to play another season of The Hundred, padding up for the Southern Brave for the first time.
'I'm excited, like your first day of school. Which seems funny because at 35, I've played cricket for long enough, you'd think I'd learn to know what it's like,' she laughs. 'But it's certainly a good sign that I still want to be playing.'
Just how long that feeling will last – or how long her brilliant career spanning 298 internationals will continue – Devine doesn't know.
'It's been nice to take stock and plan ahead for the next 12 months to give it another good crack then see what happens.'
Devine has never been afraid to talk about her depression. She took another two-month break from cricket in 2021, after a breakdown under the pressure of captaincy and a lack of confidence in her performance. (Her team-mate Melie Kerr took seven months out of the game that same year and now advocates for greater awareness and support around mental health.)
Amelia Kerr and Sophie Devine celebrate victory over Pakistan at the 2024 T20 World Cup in Dubai.
Over the past 12 months, Devine has been on the biggest rollercoaster ride of her 18-year professional career. In July, the White Ferns suffered eight straight losses to England (three ODIs, five T20Is); Devine tried to keep her emotions in check as she fronted for another losing captain's interview at Lord's.
Going into the T20 World Cup in October, the Ferns had suffered 10 defeats on the trot. 'The month leading into it was just horseshit,' Devine says.
She then experienced 'the greatest high of my life' – leading the written-off White Ferns to World Cup victory, stunning the favoured South Africans in the final; their first world title in 20 years.
Days later, with no time to process the magnitude of what they'd just pulled off, Devine and the White Ferns were on a plane to India, dashing straight into an ODI series before they could return home to celebrate their historic World Cup win. Devine worked closely with her psychology support person on how to manage it, especially as a leader.
'One of the great things she said was not everyone is going to be able to give 100 percent, but you can give 100 percent of the 60 percent you're at that day, and that's all you can ask for,' she says.
From there, Devine rushed into the Big Bash League in Australia, then returned home to New Zealand for another series against the Aussies. It all finally caught up with her.
'I thought I could get through it. I never want to miss playing cricket,' she says. 'But I was so burnt out and exhausted, with those couple of months leading into the World Cup and everything that came with it.
'I'm so lucky I have a really good support network with New Zealand Cricket and at home. We all came to the agreement I just needed that time out again. As soon as I made that decision, I knew it was the right one.'
Yet she still had to deal with the overwhelming guilt, that she was letting her team down.
'I certainly preach around we care more about you as a person than as a cricketer, and sometimes I have to take my own advice. If I'm going to ask players to put themselves first, I need to do the same,' she says.
'That doesn't mean I'm not riddled with guilt, but I know trying to push through it is going to harm everyone.'
The senior brigade of the White Ferns – Lea Tahuhu, Sophie Devine, Suzie Bates – hold the T20 World Cup trophy.
She struggled with missing the Super Smash grand final, then skipping the entire WPL season in India with the Royal Challengers Bengaluru, and the White Ferns home series with Sri Lanka.
'The scary thing is you don't know when you step away if you're going to come back,' Devine, a White Fern since the age of 17, admits. 'You don't want to put timelines on it, and as an athlete that's really hard, because we've so focused on timelines, and pinnacle events. To not have that security is anxiety-inducing.
'We're all trying our best to figure out this thing called life, aren't we? I just had to allow that time to sit in it.'
She spent some of her time-out doing yoga and playing golf.
'Because cricket has been so much of my life, I'm trying to find things away from it that give me enjoyment, and yoga is a cool space for me to do something completely different,' she says. 'I love walking into those classes and there's every type of person, body shape, age. There's an 80-year-old woman bending in half, and I'm barely able to touch my toes.
'Like a lot of cricketers, I really enjoy being able to whack a ball around a golf course as active recovery. I was reading, going to the beach, walking. It always blows people's minds, but I love being able to do the simple things like the washing and vacuuming.'
Although retirement crossed her mind numerous times during her two-month break, Devine returned to the White Ferns in March, to play Australia in a T20I series, where they lost all three matches.
'There were so many conversations around whether I was ready, if I was in the right frame of mind to do it. But I certainly worked incredibly hard at home to get myself into a position to play,' she says.
'It was a challenging series and obviously it didn't go our way. But I'm really proud of the way I was able to show up and enjoy it as well. The White Ferns is such an incredible environment, and an incredible group of people who were so supportive and welcoming. It's a second family. I felt so cared for and loved, which made it a little bit easier.
'So I'm certainly ready to get back into things now, with another World Cup coming up.'
In the final game of that series against Australia, at Wellington's Sky Stadium, tears poured down Devine's face as she sang the national anthem. Was she thinking it could be her last international on New Zealand soil?
'There was a lot of things behind those tears,' she admits. 'There was the pride of being able to get back out there and play at home. I had two nieces out there with me, which was so cool. My mum and sister were in the crowd too – we speak a lot about how important whānau and friends are to us.
'Before we walked out on to the field, I turned to our physio and said, maybe have a few tissues ready, because there are a lot of emotions swirling around.
'I don't know if that was my last game at home. I haven't made any plans around that.'
Sophie Devine celebrates with the Kerr sisters as she takes another wicket in the 2025 Super Smash for Wellington Blaze.
She's uncertain whether she will end her career with a pinnacle event, or rely on her body and mind to make that decision for her.
'It's a tough one because the body and mind are in a good place at the moment. I've very much taking it each day as it comes. As long as I'm still enjoying it and I'm still able to contribute – I don't want to be a burden on any team,' she says.
'As soon as I'm not doing that – and I'm hoping I know that before anyone else does – that's when I'll look to step away.'
Devine has given up hope of ever playing test cricket for New Zealand, even as other nations have begun playing five-day internationals. 'Unfortunately, that's a pipe dream for me. But I still cross my fingers and toes for the younger group getting to play test cricket,' she says. 'It still really excites me – it's the ultimate format for cricketers.'
It's the young players in the White Ferns who are keeping Devine 'excited and invested' in the team. She was once one of them.
'I've had to learn to use Snapchat coz that's the only way the younger ones communicate these days. There's the group of us who will be in bed by 8.30pm enjoying a cup of tea, while the youngsters are doing TikTok dances,' she says.
'You want to help support them – not hold their hand – but be there for them to lean on. I'm super excited where these players are heading and I have to remind myself that Melie is only 24 – she could still be playing in 15 years' time.
'The break has allowed me to reflect on how far I've come, but also the women's game, and women's sport.
'However long I've got left now, I want to make sure I'm enjoying it first and foremost, and I'm also giving what I can to the group – whether that's Wellington, New Zealand or a franchise. It's showing up and being my best self.'