Nine ways a Gurkha mindset can help you navigate illness and grief

Telegraph

06-04-2025

In one of their early encounters in the early 19th century, a British Army officer was captured by a group of Gurkhas. While the Indian soldiers he had been leading fled, the officer stood his ground, despite being outnumbered. When he was eventually captured they asked why he hadn't surrendered. He told them: 'I didn't come this far just to run away.'
Inspired by the lieutenant's words, the Gurkhas replied, 'We could serve under an officer like you!' That relationship, built on mutual respect, has lasted over two centuries and Gurkhas are still renowned for their loyalty, professionalism and bravery.
Capt Kailash Limbu was raised in the highlands of Nepal on the stories of his forefathers. One of the few to make selection to the elite Gurkha brigade, during his two-decade career in the British Army he has had failures and successes, as well as five tours in Afghanistan and deployments in Bosnia and Sierra Leone.
The essence of what makes him and his fellow Gurkhas special is something he has long considered, and encapsulated in his book, The Gurkha Mindset. Intended as a guide for life, he says: ' I hope that people will still be reading it long after I have gone, because the lessons I am sharing are enduring. Managing emotions, attitude, teamwork, leadership.'
Even if you have no desire to be in a conflict zone, Capt Limbu says: 'The principles of being effective in life and business don't change even if the playing field does.'
These are his nine life lessons:
1. The human body is tougher than you think
To join the Gurkhas, potential recruits have to complete the 'doko race' – a 5.9km run across rough terrain up the side of a steep hill. They must do this within 46 minutes while carrying a doko basket loaded with 25 kg of sand.
Out of the 15,000 candidates who had applied for selection at the same time as Capt Limbu, only 230 could qualify. The odds of success were around 65 to one, less than 1 per cent.
'Whether or not I came first was not the point,' says Capt Limbu. 'What counted was that by believing I could perform at my best. A small shift in perspective, from only recognising how much pain I was in, to reminding myself that the pain was temporary and simply a stepping stone to achieving my dreams, helped me to keep moving forward.'
The body protects itself by fooling us into thinking we can push no harder, go no further, lift no more. 'That's why the mind must be stronger than the body. Where the mind goes, the body will follow,' says Capt Limbu.
2. Hard work wins over talent
'I am a typical hill boy from one of the most remote villages on the planet, and I hold no degree or similar qualifications in leadership or business,' he says.
Determined to be a high-ranking Gurkha, Limbu literally put in the extra miles when he applied for the rank of captain, where he was competing against soldiers who were much more highly educated than he was.
During the pre-selection to become captain in 2017, candidates had to run a simple 2.4 km race. 'There was a 400-metre track at the barracks and I used it at every opportunity, often running back to my quarters after a training session, which I did with a heavily weighted backpack. By training with a load, I knew I would be even faster for the competition.'
To beat the rest, many of whom had degrees, he found out everything he needed to know about the role of captain. 'I studied every evening. Why should I care about whether I had a degree? What counted was how well I could absorb the requirements for captain.'
3. Failure is good for you. Pick yourself up and start again
A few years into his British Army career, while a corporal, Limbu put himself forward for SAS selection. 'I worked harder than anyone. I was faster, stronger and more resilient, and I was determined to win my place in the regiment.'
But during the process, while in the middle of a long hike uphill with a heavy bergen (rucksack), Limbu found himself nursing an already injured ankle. 'I was on the verge of collapse,' he recalls.
Limbu failed selection for the SAS. 'I am far more disappointed with myself for not trying again.' Most people who apply for the SAS don't succeed on the first attempt. For many, it takes two or three tries to be accepted, but Limbu couldn't face it again.
'The thing that stopped me from reapplying was my mindset. Instead of relishing the challenge, visualising success and thinking how I could be better prepared, I was bullied into submission by thoughts of how hellish the experience had been. I should have brushed myself down, taken some time to recover and learn from the experience, then given it another shot.'
4. Keeping up appearances matters
Outside of the barracks, Gurkhas are always well turned out. 'We wear a clean shirt and tie and dress smartly, and have highly polished shoes. Small things like this can make a big difference. When you see someone who is well groomed, what does that
say about them? They take pride in their appearance, they don't cut corners, they pay attention to details and they are reliable. Creating an excellent first impression will always give you a head start.
'You may be working from home and wonder why you need to change out of your pyjamas, but this will affect your mindset. Getting dressed up as though you were going to a business meeting will boost your morale. It will give you a sense of purpose and resolve.'
5. Maintain your composure at all times
'You have to manage your emotions if you want to survive,' says Capt Limbu. 'It's that simple. Stay calm and you might live. Panic and things will get worse quickly.' A calm mind will find the solution if there is one.
However composure is not numbness, or failing to empathise with others, states Capt Limbu. 'The Army doesn't need psychopaths; people with feelings are infinitely more useful,' he says. 'I am not suggesting that you kill your feelings, and I hope that you never have to make the same life or death decisions that I have. However, learn to handle your feelings so they can't overwhelm you.
'Fear, courage and the capacity to stay calm are all things that you can control. Learn how to master them, and you are taking the first step towards improving your outcomes. You don't have to face live rounds on the battlefield to learn these lessons.'
6. Fear delivers
Gurkhas take being courageous to a whole other level. However, Capt Limbu says there are ways in which we live with fear in the civilian world.
'People are often afraid of not being able to pay the bills, of losing their homes or of being robbed when they are walking at night. That doesn't make them cowards, but they are suffering from fear, and they must not let that fear suffocate them.'
To be more Gurkha you have to show courage, which means moving towards fear. It means prioritising something else – principles, ambition or personal goals, rather than letting fear stop you.
'In civilian life, you might take on enormous debt to start a business, risk rejection in the pursuit of love, or risk financial hardship by taking on a job that pays less, because it means you get to spend more time with your family,' explains Capt Limbu.
'Not being a coward is about standing firm in the face of adversity. Showing courage is about running into the fire. Nothing makes fear and courage more tangible than being in life-threatening situations.'
7. Never let success go to your head
No matter what you have achieved, how smart or good-looking you are, how much money or power you have accumulated, never let it go to your head – and treat others with respect. That's the Gurkha way.
'None of those things make you better than anyone else, and you could just as easily go through a difficult time. None of us are immortal or invincible. Those who are on top today could find themselves on the bottom tomorrow.'
As a soldier, he has seen just how adversely things can change. Sierra Leone, for example, is a place of breathtaking natural beauty with some of the most wonderful beaches on the planet.
'How could such terrible things happen in a land so rich in plant life and precious stones? Wars, natural disasters and economic stresses can turn once-thriving cities into rubble or ghost towns overnight.'
8. Being knocked down is part of life
Key to this is a good attitude. 'Attitude is the strength that allows you to walk away after someone has insulted you. Attitude is the part of you that tells you to continue with a challenging task. Attitude is the difference between staying where you are and gaining promotion. Sadly, those who don't succeed because of a poor attitude often fail to see that it is their attitude that failed them. They blame everyone and everything else for their lack of success.'
9. Accept that grief is unavoidable
Some things are inescapable no matter how much you try to avoid them. Bereavement is one of those things, and one of those very painful losses is that of our parents.
'I was 35 years old when I lost my mother. I had led sections behind enemy lines, faced extremely dangerous situations, taken lives and seen friends killed, but when my mother was dying, I felt real fear for the first time in my life. Nothing could compare to the dread of losing my mum.'
Anxiety about his mother's condition soon started to affect his mental and physical health. 'I couldn't sleep or eat properly, which only made matters worse, and I felt very alone.' His wife and child were in the UK.
At that time, Capt Limbu was a WO2 (Warrant Officer Class Two), and in every other area of his life, he was indestructible – macho, fearless and able to handle anything. 'But losing my mother was too much to bear. I felt helpless.' He now accepts there was no quick fix for his grief.
'With time, I was able to process what had happened and accept it. This is something we all have to go through, and everybody grieves differently. I was generally resilient enough to be able to bounce back.'