How to keep fit and tackle those grubby worn out carpets
After only one session she dramatically quit.
'Was it too exhausting?' asked Sean.
'Not in the least,' replied his wife. 'It's just that the minute I got down on the floor, I couldn't help noticing how worn out and grubby the carpet is.'
Communication breakdown
Office politics.
A pal of reader Stuart Knight was scolded by his boss, and told to behave in a more professional manner.
'I'm thinking about taking his advice,' said Stuart's pal, 'and ignoring his emails.'
Pluralism
The Diary has taken on the role of School Inspector, as we scrutinise the many educational establishments in our nation.
We hear of a student in one Glasgow school who asked if he could go and pick up his bag from French.
His teacher replied: 'Oui.'
To which the student replied: 'No, it's just me.'
Read more: Wild animals shouldn't be kept as pets. It's like a prison sentence...
Mayo a no-no
The student son of reader Mark Wilson works part-time as a waiter in a swanky Glasgow restaurant.
At the weekend a young chap was sitting at a table with his girlfriend, and when it came time to order, he said: 'Can I have a salad, but without any of that white gunk.'
'Do you mean mayonnaise?' enquired Mark's son.
With an exasperated tut, proving that this fellow was a true gourmand, the customer replied: 'That's what I said, didn't I? The white gunk.'
And, constant reader, we can happily report that his salad was completely degunkified, as requested.
Hitting out
A reader recently told us (perhaps a tad facetiously) that her 97-year-old grandma died suddenly and tragically on her birthday… halfway through getting the bumps.
Ian Barnett gets in touch with an important query.
'Halfway through the bumps?' he asks. 'Would that have been bump 48 or 49? Diary accuracy is important…'
Cold comfort
The weather has improved a tad in the last couple of days, with the sun dealing a glancing blow to the surface of Scotland.
But on the whole, this has been a wet and woeful June, unlike the sweltering spring we recently enjoyed.
With this in mind, reader Brian Wadham gets in touch for a good harrumph.
'To hell with the winter heating allowance,' he says. 'How about a summer heating allowance?'
Mum's the word
Psychologically astute reader John Mitchell explains: 'A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother… um, I mean 'another'.'
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