Tell Me The Most Horrifying Moment In A Non-Horror Movie
I have written countless horror movie posts for BuzzFeed, but there are still plenty of scares outside the genre. A non-horror movie may have a perfectly timed jumpscare or something incredibly unsettling that leaves you hiding under your covers.
Please tell me the most horrifying moment in a non-horror movie that either made you leap out of your skin or gave you nightmares (or both).
For example, the most famous case is the boat scene from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. The scary imagery and mood switch terrified kids.
Or, your scene may have been an unexpected jumpscare, like when the Wicked Witch of the West appeared in that crystal ball in The Wizard of Oz.
Perhaps something more disturbing, like the sacrifice scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, which left you wondering how they got away with something so visually gruesome.
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Yahoo
2 hours ago
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Things to do in Montgomery for June 12-18
The Montgomery Dragon Boat Festival is back for the 11th year. The festival will be held on June 14 at Riverfront Park on the Alabama River. It's free for spectators to come watch. Stroll into Riverfront Park, 355 Commerce St., through the tunnel and you'll be on your way to a really fun day watching the teams race colorful dragon boats. The opening ceremony starts at 8:30 a.m., and the first races start at 9 a.m. Races will wrap up by around 3 p.m. There's also an after-party with music from the band Boukou Groove performing at Red Bluff. For tickets call the box office at 334-271-5353 or visit The Wizard of Oz: July 9-Aug. 17, on Festival Stage. Follow the yellow brick road in this delightful stage adaptation of L. Frank Baum's beloved tale, featuring the iconic musical score from the MGM film. The timeless tale, in which young Dorothy Gale travels from Kansas over the rainbow to the magical Land of Oz, is a thrill for audiences of all ages. By L. Frank Baum. Thrills and music for the family. (Ages 5+) For tickets call the box office at 334-481-5100 or visit their newly designed website at June 18 — EJI Juneteenth Celebration with Yolanda Adams and Donald Lawrence & Company — 7:30 p.m. $10-$25 June 28 — Montgomery Gentry featuring Eddie Montgomery — 8 p.m. $25-$55 July 7-11 — Concert Tech Summer Camp for ages 14-18 — 9:30 a.m.-3:30 p.m. $50 registration per person at Aug. 10 — Devon Allman's Blues Summit: Featuring The Devon Allman Project, Jimmy Hall, Larry McCray and Sierra Green — 7:30 p.m. $25-$55 Aug. 23 — Mac McAnally and Scotty Emerick: Margaritas and Memories — 7:30 p.m. $42-$62 Aug. 29 — R&B and Southern Soul Music Fest — Featuring Calvin Richardson, Q Parker, Cupid, 69 Boyz, Mike Clark, Jr., Toy Toy, and hosted by MC Lightfoot — 8 p.m. $45-$85 Sept. 18 — Reckless Kelly — 7:30 p.m. $27.50-$47.50 Sept. 25 — St. Paul & The Broken Bones — 7:30 p.m. $35-$65 Oct. 2 — Billy Bob Thornton & The Boxmasters — 7:30 p.m. $25.50-$52.50 Oct. 10 — Mickey ad the Motorcars — 7:30 p.m. $22-$47 Oct. 11 — The Era of Yacht Rock — 7:30 p.m. $37.50 - $42.50 Oct. 12 — Mark Lowry, with special guests Endless Highway — 6:30 p.m. $37.50-$55 Nov. 8 — Mania: The ABBA Tribute — 7:30 p.m. $23.50-$70.50 Nov. 21 — Nutcracker! Magical Christmas Ballet — 7 p.m. $31-$125 Nov. 30 — Joe Bonamassa — 7:30 p.m. $49-$149 More: Pynk Beard brings golden country voice to Montgomery for free show The W.A. Gayle Planetarium, 1010 Forest Ave., Montgomery, is open to the general public for screenings on Saturdays. After the screening, guests will get a view of Montgomery's night sky projected on the dome, a trip to a planet or two, and a laser show. The W.A. Gayle Planetarium opens 20 minutes before each show to give guests time to view the exhibits — including a model of the Hubble Space Telescope — and visit the gift shop. The facility has a seating capacity of 159. Admission is $7.50 for each person age 3 and up. Ages 2 and under get in free. Get tickets at or call 334-262-4858. The Capri is at 1045 E. Fairview Ave, Montgomery. It's the longest continually operated movie theatre in Alabama. Become a member of the Capri Community Film Society and receive ticket discounts, plus admission benefits at art house theaters across the country. Member tickets are $10, and non-member tickets are $12. Ticket books will be $90 for a pack of 10. June 12 — "Trolls World Tour" — 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. $2 June 12 — "Bound" — 7 p.m. June 13 — "The Bridge on the River Kwai" — 1 p.m. June 13-16 — "Jane Austin Wrecked My Life" — 4 p.m. and 7 p.m. June 18 & 19 — "Captain Underpants" — 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. $2 June 18 — "Queer" — 7 p.m. June 19 — "Purple Rain" — 7 p.m. June 20 — "Friendship" — 4 p.m. and 7 p.m. June 25 & 26 — "Spirit Untamed" — 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. $2 June 26 — "To Wong Foo" — 7 p.m. June 27 — "Bob Trevino Likes It" — 4 p.m. and 7 p.m. June 29 — "Dr Strangelove" — 1 p.m. July 3 — "Piranha" — 7 p.m. July 9 & 10 — "The Boss Baby" — 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. $2 July 10 — "Creature from the Black Lagoon" — 7 p.m. July 13 — "The Bridge on the River Kwai" — 1:30 p.m. July 16 & 17 — "Curse of the Were Rabbit" — 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. $2 July 17 — "Godzilla" — 7 p.m. July 23 & 24 — "Paw Patrol: The Movie" — 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. $2 July 24 — "Deep Blue Sea" — 7 p.m. July 27 — "The Importance of Being Earnest" — 1 p.m. July 30 & 31 — "The Wild Robot" — 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. $2 July 31 — "The Abyss" — 7 p.m. Aug. 10 — "Intolerance" — 1:30 p.m. More: Summer pool hours: Splash pads and swimming spots in the Montgomery area Montgomery Whitewater Park invites the community to kick off summer in style with Summer Solstice, a three-day celebration packed with outdoor adventure, live music, and family-friendly fun — highlighted by the debut of an all-new youth race, the River & Trail Tri. Running Friday, June 20 through Sunday, June 22, Summer Solstice offers discounted day passes ($40 for adults, $30 for kids), live music, sunset rafting trips, and two youth races: the ever popular Lil Tri, presented by Montgomery, Prattville, and Pike Road Pediatric Dentistry and Family Orthodontics, and a new adventure race for youth ages 12 to 17, the River and Trail Tri. The River & Trail Tri is an adventure race designed for 12 to 17 year olds who want to take on a multi-sport challenge. Participants will complete a 1 mile multi-terrain run, 1.5 mile bike ride through our single track trail system, and a 2200 ft low-flow paddle through the creek channel. Built as the next step up from the Lil Tri, this race features longer distances and more technical terrain—giving young athletes a true taste of adventure racing in a natural environment. 'Summer is our favorite season at Montgomery Whitewater, and there's no better way to celebrate than by bringing people together for paddling, music, good times outdoors ,' said Montgomery Whitewater CEO, Jeffrey Gustin, 'We're especially excited to launch the River & Trail Tri, which gives older kids a more challenging, multi-sport experience in nature.' Montgomery Whitewater, is a 120-acre state-of-the-art recirculating whitewater park and outdoor adventure center located off I-65 in Montgomery. In addition to kayaking and guided whitewater rafting adventures, the facility offers rope courses, trails, flatwater activities on the Alabama River and more. The south's newest world-class outdoor adventure and lifestyle destination has a schedule of events available at 334-262-1530 960 Cloverdale Road, Montgomery July 17-27 — "The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane" — Edward Tulane is an expensive toy rabbit made of china. He is loved by a little girl named Abilene, but Edward doesn't care. He is vain and self-centered. He has no interest in anyone other than himself. On an ocean voyage, Edward is accidentally thrown overboard and sinks to the bottom of the sea. So begins his journey—a journey over which he has no control, for he is a toy rabbit. He can neither move nor speak. As years pass by, Edward meets many different people in many different situations: an older grieving couple who find comfort in Edward's presence, a hobo and his dog who introduce Edward to a whole community of homeless wanderers, a farmer in need of a scarecrow, a sad little boy and his very ill sister, and finally a doll mender and an old doll who teach Edward an invaluable lesson. Through this miraculous journey, Edward learns what it is to love, what it is to lose that love, and how to find the courage to love again. Oct. 9-19 — "The Book of Will" — Without William Shakespeare, we wouldn't have literary masterpieces like Romeo and Juliet. But without Henry Condell and John Heminges, we would have lost half of Shakespeare's plays forever! After the death of their friend and mentor, the two actors are determined to compile the First Folio and preserve the words that shaped their lives. They'll just have to borrow, beg, and band together to get it done. Amidst the noise and color of Elizabethan London, The Book Of Will finds an unforgettable true story of love, loss, and laughter, and sheds new light on a man you may think you know. Dec. 11-21 — "Miss Bennett: Christmas at Pemberley" — A sequel to Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice set two years after the novel ends, Miss Bennet continues the story, only this time with bookish middle-sister Mary as its unlikely heroine. Mary is growing tired of her role as dutiful middle sister in the face of her siblings' romantic escapades. When the family gathers for Christmas at Pemberley, an unexpected guest sparks Mary's hopes for independence, an intellectual match, and possibly even love. More: Juneteenth celebrations coming to central AL: Concerts, parades and more 334-782-7317 5720 Main St., Millbrook June 12-22 — "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" — A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum takes comedy back to its roots, combining situations from time-tested, 2000-year-old comedies of Roman playwright, Plautus, with the infectious energy of classic vaudeville. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum is a nonstop laughfest in which Pseudolus, a crafty slave, struggles to win the hand of a beautiful, but slow-witted, courtesan named Philia for his young master, Hero, in exchange for freedom. The plot twists and turns with cases of mistaken identity, slamming doors and a showgirl or two. ~ MTI July 17-27 — "Peter Pan and Wendy: A Musical!" — This panto-style re-imagining of J.M. Barrie's classic book focuses on Wendy's transition from a child to a responsible young lady -- with plenty of adventure in between! When Wendy refuses to leave the nursery and sleep downstairs, her mother gives her a mysterious box containing Peter Pan's shadow. Unable to resist, Wendy opens it, Peter arrives, and they're off to Neverland! But even there, Wendy must learn what it means to grow up. Full of enchanting music and beloved characters, this fast-paced adaptation of Barrie's Peter and Wendy is a treat for children of any age. ~ Playscripts Sept. 11-21 — "The Immigrant" — The story of a young Russian-Jewish couple and the local couple that take them in, as religion meets religion, culture meets culture, fear meets fear, and love meets love. This is the true story of Haskell Harelik, 'the Immigrant.' Dec. 11-21 — "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever" — In this hilarious Christmas classic, a couple struggling to put on a church Christmas pageant is faced with casting the Herdman kids – probably the most inventively awful kids in history. You won't believe the mayhem – and the fun – when the Herdmans collide head-on with the story of Christmas! This delightful show is adapted from the bestselling Young Adult book, and has become a holiday staple for groups across the United States. ~ Concord Theatricals 334-414-0193 Productions at Pike Road Intermediate School, 4710 Pike Road July 10-27 — "Grease" — Step back in time to the fabulous 1950s with Pike Road Theatre Company's production of GREASE!, the iconic musical that has captivated audiences for generations. This dynamic show is a celebration of youthful romance, friendship, and the trials and tribulations of teenage life set against the backdrop of Rydell High. 334-595-0850 203 W. 4th St., Prattville General admission tickets are $12 online, or $14 at the door. Surprise show July 10-27, 2025 "Puffs" - Sept. 18-Oct. 5, 2025 "Closed for the Holidays" - Dec. 11-21, 2025 More: Live music in Montgomery area for June 12-18 334-868-1440 300 S. Main St., Wetumpka "Young Frankenstein" — From the comedy genius of Mel Brooks comes the brilliant stage adaptation of his legendarily funny film– Young Frankenstein! Grandson of the infamous Victor Frankenstein, Frederick Frankenstein (pronounced 'Fronk-en-steen') inherits his family's estate in Transylvania. With the help of a hunchbacked sidekick, Igor (pronounced 'Eye-gore'), and a leggy lab assistant, Inga (pronounced normally), Frederick finds himself in the mad scientist shoes of his ancestors. Every bit as relevant to audience members who will remember the original as it will be to newcomers, Young Frankenstein has all the of panache of the screen sensation with a little extra theatrical flair added. September 25, 26, 27, October 2, 3, 4, 9, 10, 11 at 7 p.m. Matinee: October 5 at 2 p.m. Tickets: $20. "Over the River and Through The Woods" — Every Sunday, Nick crosses the river to New Jersey and has dinner with both sets of his Italian-American grandparents. But Nick has dreams, and when he receives the perfect job offer from the west coast, he is determined to take it. His grandparents – Frank, Aida, Nunzio, and Emma – are just as determined that he stay put. Thus begins a series of shameless schemes and hilarious shenanigans that will have you roaring in your seat while reminding you of the wonderful zaniness that is family. November 6, 7, 13, 14, 20, 21, 22 at 7 p.m. Matinee: Nov 9 and 16 at 2 p.m. Tickets: $20 334-738-8687, 101 N. Prairie St., Union Springs The Red Door Theatre is located 35 miles SE of Montgomery. Play reservations ($20) and optional dinners ($20)—both evening and matinee performances are offered. The 2025 season includes: 'Honky Tonk Hissy Fit' – July 24, 25, 26, 27 'Ring of Fire' – Dec. 4, 5, 6, 7 This article originally appeared on Montgomery Advertiser: Things to do in Montgomery for June 12-18
Buzz Feed
7 hours ago
- Buzz Feed
Radish
You Exist! Welcome to BuzzFeed! Have 100 points. That is a lot of points. Earned Jun 7, 2025 First Post You made your first post! Is it glorious? Is it terrible? Who cares, you made one! Great job. Earned 17 minutes ago Homepage Hero Your post got promoted to the homepage of BuzzFeed Dot Com, the website! Our team of writers loved it so much that with a little spit and polish, they put it right up on the fridge. Right where everyone can see it! Not yet earned Challenge Winner Your creativity and hard work shone through and you won a freakin' Community Challenge! Congratulations, pard'ner. Not yet earned List Legend When everyone else zigged, you zagged. When everyone took the low road, you took the high road. When everyone posted nothing but quizzes, you're out here posting lists. Hero. Here's your trophy. Not yet earned Lord of Lists We knew you were a whiz at making lists before, but now you've made THREE lists?! You're truly everything we aspire to be, and one day we hope to be half the genius you are. Not yet earned 100k Views A hundo thow views. Nice. Not yet earned 250k Views A quarter of a million views! You really have the posts with the mosts. Views, that is. Not yet earned 500k Views Five hundred thousand views on your posts. That's incredible! Statistically, you're excelling yourself. We asked a data scientist and he said it's true! Not yet earned 1m Views A cool milzo. These are rare. Like a beautiful statue which isn't covered in bird poo. Not yet earned Could You BE Making Any More Posts? We can't seem to 'PIVOT' away from your incredible posts, and we never want you to 'go on a break' from creating these posts we love so much. Anyway, congrats on getting 5 Friends posts promoted! Not yet earned You Don't Need To Calm Down We promise that we'll never find another like you. Ya know, someone else who has gotten 5 Taylor Swift posts promoted to the homepage. Not yet earned Best of 2022 Thanks to your ingenuity and knowledge of all things internet, you showed everyone up and are in the top 1% of BuzzFeed Community creators in 2022! From quizzes to lists, you can do it all — and now you have a trophy to show off and prove you're one of the best of the year. Not yet earned Fairest Of Them All Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who has had 5 Disney posts promoted to the BuzzFeed homepage? It's you, obviously! We don't have any attractive heroes coming to save you, but here's a trophy, which is just as good — trust us. Not yet earned Golden Genius You ain't no snitch, but you do know everything about the Harry Potter universe. Since you got 5 posts promoted to the homepage, here's a lil' Quidditch gift for ya. Not yet earned Slime Time You soaked up episodes of SpongeBob, got Odd with the Fairies, and mentally spent a lot of time at Good Burger. You were and are a Nick kid through and through, but we don't need to tell you that since you've already Figured It Out, haven't you? (We could go on forever, don't test us.) Not yet earned K-Pop Konnoisseur You know every dance, you know every word, and let's be real, no one can make you budge about your bias. Congrats on getting your K-Pop post promoted to the front page of BuzzFeed — here's a trophy! Not yet earned Totally Stylin' Oh baby, you're ~golden~, and we're gonna give you a (Watermelon Sugar) high by handing you your very own Harry Styles trophy, just for writing a post about him. Not yet earned Animal Lover From reptiles to fluffy felines and tiny rats to giant whales, your love of animals knows no bounds. Your animal-themed post was promoted. Thanks for making the world a more cuddly place. Meow. Not yet earned XOXO Roses are red, / Poems are quoted. / You wrote about love, / and your post was promoted! Not yet earned Sucker For Love You love all things about love, and we can't blame you. We can't give you a little kiss, so here's a trophy for getting 5 posts promoted instead. Not yet earned Snacks on Snacks on Snacks All you do is think about food, obviously, or else you wouldn't have made a post about it. We don't blame you, and actually applaud you. We'd give you a feast, but we don't feel like it. So here's a trophy. Not yet earned Food Fanatic You're really ~hungry~ for more trophies, aren't you? No? Then why do you make so many food posts?! We're actually not mad, just impressed. Here's another one, and we hope it's as satisfying as your next droolworthy meal. Not yet earned Up, Up, And Away For you, the thought of packing a bag and exploring a new place is unlike any other. Whether you're dreaming of stomping through the rainforest or hitting up the city that's been on your bucket list for years, travel is something you can't deny loving, so we'll do the best we can and give you a trophy since you've expressed your love for it in a post. Not yet earned Super Stan You know the thrilling feeling of staying up 'til a new song release at midnight and everyone trusts you to make the perfect playlist for every occasion and mood. Let's face it, you're just a master of all things music, so here's a trophy since you wrote a post about it! Not yet earned Cinema Savvy You've been to countless midnight showings and have spent half of your life savings on theater popcorn — but hey, baby, that's a small price to pay to be a true film fanatic. You made a movie-themed post, we loved it, here's a trophy! Not yet earned Film Fiend When it comes to movies, you're addicted. From comedy to horror and musicals to documentaries, you've seem 'em all. Since you made three posts about movies, we're giving you a trophy to celebrate your expertise. Not yet earned Know-It-All You love testing everyone on their knowledge of pop culture, school you are a true trivia master, and no one can deny that! Sometimes it's okay to show off, so here's a lil' something for ya. Not yet earned Master of Knowledge You made three trivia quizzes, and we loved them so much that we had to promote them to the front page of BuzzFeed! There's no doubt that during the next trivia night, we call dibs on being your partner. Not yet earned In The Stars Let's be real: Whenever you meet someone, you check your zodiac compatibility. Smart, honestly. Whether you're a total Gemini, fiery Aries, emotional Pisces, or anything in-between, you know the importance of star signs. And that's why you're getting a trophy because we liked your post about it. Not yet earned Nerdy for Nostalgia Nostalgia just hits different, okay? From 'I Love Lucy' to 'Fresh Prince' to 'Lizzie McGuire,' you're all about living in the past — and that's totally rad in our book. Not yet earned Heart On Your comment got 10 hearts. Here's a trophy to commemorate the foundation of your little fan club! Not yet earned Hearty Animal Can you feel the love tonight? You got 50 hearts on one comment. Have another hit of serotonin to celebrate!!! Not yet earned Heartthrob ONE HUNDRED HEARTS!! I almost feel bad for you, because you're going to be chasing this feeling forever. Check out this awesome trophy you just earned! Not yet earned There's No Place Like Home You clicked your heels and visited home — the home PAGE, that is — every day for five straight days. We've loved seeing your shining face, so please enjoy this trophy that expresses our excitement. Not yet earned Habitual Homepager Don't think we haven't noticed you visiting the homepage for the last 10 days in a row! Whether you were finding out which Disney character you are, sifting through TV show recommendations, or catching up on the news, we love you loving us. Not yet earned You Live Here Now You've visited the homepage 15 full days in a row! At this point, we've made up the BuzzFeed guest room for you and even added some touches to make it more personal. After all, with the amount of times you've visited, you pretty much live here now. Not yet earned Pin There, Done That You pinned a quiz result to your profile, and now everyone knows that you are in fact like your favorite TV character or that you've discovered a new personality trait about yourself. Maybe we guessed your age correctly, or we were so off in guessing that you weren't even mad — you were impressed. Either way, now the world knows your result, so here's a trophy!
Yahoo
8 hours ago
- Yahoo
Perspective: Surprise! Married parents aren't miserable — they're America's happiest adults
'Steve! (martin) A Documentary in 2 Pieces' covers the eclectic career of one of the world's most successful comedians, Steve Martin. Comedy, acting, playwriting, art collecting, banjo playing — Martin's oeuvre encompassed an impressive array of interests and his friends, which included prominent actors, writers, artists and musicians. But Martin still found happiness elusive even at the heights of fame. Discovering a single empty table at one of his normally sold-out venues provoked enough insecurity to switch from comedy to movies, but the angst and loneliness persisted — until he married at 61 and had a child at 67. 'My whole life is backwards,' Martin observed in 2024. 'How did I go from riddled with anxiety in my 30s, to 75 and really happy? How did this happen?' The happiest group of Americans, according to leading marriage expert and researcher Brad Wilcox of the University of Virginia, are people married with children — pushing back in his data-based book 'Get Married' on stereotypes of childless people as less stressed and more satisfied than parents. Wilcox's academic data challenges a popular narrative that emerged yet again when prominent pop singer Chappell Roan claimed 'all parents are miserable.' 'All of my friends who have kids are in hell,' Roan explained on the 'Call Her Daddy' podcast, setting off an explosion of commentary everywhere, from BuzzFeed to MSNBC to the Irish Independent, with many pushing back, but others agreeing that raising little kids in particular can be extremely difficult. 'Children are often a strain on marriage, and they seem to lead to a dip in marital quality,' Wilcox concedes, but 'the overall picture of marriage and parenthood is rosier than the popular press would suggest.' This familial contentment, however, depends on a selfless mindset, a 'we before me' approach crucial to making marriage meaningful and parenthood deeply fulfilling. 'When people get married, what do they do with their finances?' asked a recent caller to Dave Ramsey's financial advice podcast. She seemed taken aback by Ramsey's response that husbands and wives combine everything, asking, 'What if one person makes more than the other?' 'You're not a partnership, you're a marriage,' Ramsey pushed back. 'My wife doesn't have an income. I do not have an income. WE have an income.' Interestingly, couples with separate financial accounts are 20% more likely to divorce, according to a study conducted by the University of Colorado–Boulder. The same study also found that couples who shared their money were happier in their relationships than those who separated their accounts (including those who had both joint and separate accounts). An Indiana University study that randomly assigned newly married couples to joint accounts, separate accounts or any arrangement of the couple's choice found that, after two years, the joint-account couples 'exhibited significantly greater relationship quality' than the other couples. Wilcox brings up both studies to illustrate the effects a family-first approach has on marriage and family life — implications that are not minor. While marital advice today often emphasizes personal me-time, personal identity forging and the pursuit of personal ambitions, couples who end up sharing more in common are more likely to report happier marriages. And it's not just money. According to a YouGov survey, couples sharing the same last name not only held a stronger sense of family identity, but were more likely to be happily married and less likely to have plans to divorce than those who didn't. Sharing names, turning down job opportunities that detract from marital obligations and making personal sacrifices for each other reflects selfless attitudes that make a big difference in marriage, according to the State of Our Unions Survey of 2022. After controlling for education, income and race, the survey found 'we-before-me' couples much more likely to report being 'very happy' in marriage and also more likely to say divorce is 'not at all likely' in the future than couples with a 'my own needs first' attitude. Marriages in which only one spouse takes on most of the selflessness, however, 'can run aground' according to Wilcox. The sacrifices need to be mutual. Writer Julian Adorney shares that 'my marriage to my wife works because both of us practice a sort of self-emptying love.' He goes on to critique the book,'The Value of Others,' which ultimately views marriage as a dying institution to be replaced by gig-economy relationships lasting not 'till death' but 'until this relationship no longer provides adequate value for us both.' Today, notions of sacrifice and selflessness must not only compete with transactional-economic models, but also with a plethora of demands that make up what Northwestern University Professor Eli Finkel labels today's 'All-or-Nothing Marriage.' Finkel's book by the same name explains that 21st century couples hold high expectations for a partner to 'be all things to them.' Such inflated expectations of personal gratification and self-actualization, Finkel acknowledges, create a fragile basis for lasting unions and could be considered a major force behind family instability rates. Yet the book has some blind spots. 'Something you will not find discussed anywhere in All-or-Nothing Marriage is the importance of sacrifice,' writes marriage and family professor Scott Sibley. Marriage expert Alan Hawkins emphasizes the importance of helping couples understand that there are seasons of life when most couples must live in the valleys, sacrificing some lofty ambitions to manage busy lives with children and work. Rather than working to find their highest fulfillment, he says, couples sometimes just need help to 'keep things good enough to make it through a stressful season of life together.' Demands for transcendence, wholeness, meaning, worth and communion within a single relationship, theorized Sarah K. Balstrup in an insightful study, burdens romantic relationships with a host of needs formerly satisfied through religion. Relationships, she writes, 'have become the primary mythology of the sacred in the collective tongue' of Western culture; however, mere mortals have difficulty providing the needs that religion and God formerly satisfied. Wilcox's 'Get Married' book delves into the ways religious affiliation meets the higher needs of couples while prioritizing values like selflessness, fidelity and the worth of child-raising, according to an impressive array of research and data. To summarize, church attenders are significantly happier in marriages, less likely to divorce and are more satisfied with their lives in general. Moreover, religious couples exhibit greater sexual fidelity and commitment, and higher levels of relationship quality, including greater sexual frequency and satisfaction. Not all religious couples are happy, Wilcox acknowledges, but those who regularly attend church, mosque or synagogue tap into social networks that encourage self-denial and healthy marital interaction while discouraging behaviors that derail relationships. Add to that a meaningful sense of the cosmos and rituals that help couples deal with suffering (shared prayer is a predictor of higher quality marriages), and even a good–enough marriage with family-first priorities may not need to spend 24/7 on self-actualization to reach higher levels of happiness. In the divorce drama 'Kramer vs. Kramer,' the highest-grossing film of 1979, Dustin Hoffman's character Ted, whose wife has left him, gradually trades his workaholism for a deep father-son bond forged through countless meals, chores, conversations, and a harrowing trip to the emergency room. Ted's trajectory also includes a growing selflessness born of sacrificing for another's growth. When Ted faces an uphill battle for child custody, he sits down with a legal pad one night to weigh the pros and cons of keeping Billy. As the con list lengthens with exhausting annoyances, the pro list remains vacant until Ted slips into Billy's room and holds his sleeping child. After that, Ted calls the lawyer and says he's willing to fight for custody. The intangible benefits of having kids are difficult to calculate in the short-term, day-to-day frenzy of meal-making, mess-cleaning, tantrum-throwing and adult-child boomeranging that is child-rearing. Maybe that's why society's advantages vs. disadvantages list of having kids circa 2025 looks similar to Ted's — minus the tender child-hugging that wipes out the cons in the end. Wilcox explains that, amid the divorce surges of the 1970s, fertility levels fell below the replacement rate for the first time in United States history, only to rise to replacement level until around 2009. After that came a decade of ambivalence about child-bearing that saw cultural forces of individualism, hedonism and workism take precedence over kids, who limit, says Wilcox, 'options, choices, and freedom — and force us to grow up.' The 'Childfree Life' depicted in the iconic 2013 Time cover story replete with a vacationing couple on the beach became more appealing, as did more time spent at the office building careers. Currently, childlessness has now risen to the point that 1 in 4 young women today will have no posterity. Contributing to the perception that children aren't worth it may have been a 2016 study reporting that parents are 13% less happy than their childless peers. However, 'there is only one problem with this handwringing about parenthood,' Wilcox points out. 'It no longer fits the data ... today, that is most definitely not true.' Current research backs up this reversal. Parents, especially married parents, are more likely to report their lives are more meaningful and happier than nonparents while childless Americans are more likely to report their lives are lonely and less meaningful and happy. Indeed, 'today's men and women (ages 18 to 55) in their prime who have children report the greatest happiness and the most meaning in their lives,' writes Wilcox, 'even after controlling for factors like education, race, and ages.' Wilcox refers to psychologist Paul Bloom's insightful book 'The Sweet Spot: The Pleasures of Suffering and the Search for Meaning' to explain the paradox of children bringing both distress and happiness into parents' lives. While too much suffering can be debilitating, too little struggle in a life of pleasure and pursuits of the self leads to meaningless and unhappiness. The ups and downs of parenthood provide opportunities for adversity and stress — along with generous doses of meaning, compassion and greater selflessness that even medical studies correlate with 'authentic-durable happiness.' While marriages tend to see a dip in happiness as they transition into parenthood and the relationship becomes more strained, a review of literature on parenting finds that 'many initial challenges encountered at the time of new parenthood are transient in nature.' Marriages that were solid before the baby inserted itself into daily life usually remain solid, even with all the new stresses and sleepless nights. (It's marriages that were struggling before the transition to parenthood that are the ones most likely to see a significant dip.) 'The fact that more than three-fourths of adults already have or want to have children should itself be evidence that something very fundamental is at work,' writes James L. McQuivey, whose review of the research finds that more than a third of Americans wish they had more children than they currently have, and that 'an astonishing 88% agree that 'having children is one of the most important things I have done.'' Clearly, not everyone wants to or can become a parent. Reasons for not having kids are deeply personal and vary widely. While some may indeed want to sit leisurely on a beach, others, like Mother Teresa, prove that parents don't corner the market on selflessness. Many young adults feel ambivalent because their financial situations are too tenuous to buy a home or support a family, and still others wanted to parent, but infertility or life circumstances interfered. Catherine Rossi's poignant essay 'Not in the (Motherhood) Club,' describes her 20s full of work, a boyfriend and energy that somehow shifted in her 30s. 'With the seven-year guy long gone, I struggled to find another,' she writes, and then 'was hit full force in the face,' as her 30s became 40s, that 'there was a club.' Motherhood. And she would never be in it, feeling ostracized as everyone's lives began and continued to revolve around their children. No one should be stereotyped as selfish or feel ostracized for not having children, but a societal narrative that 'all parents are miserable' is not only untrue, but dissuades young adults from participating in what many find the most rewarding part of life. George Bailey. What a life. First the longed for dream of travel and Europe postponed, actually demolished, to salvage the family business and keep Bedford Falls from falling prey to Mr. Potter's evil machinations. Then marriage to Mary followed by multiple children — further imploding dreams of architecture, explorations and making it big. No wonder George questions, at a desperate juncture, whether his life is worth anything in Frank Capra's film classic 'It's a Wonderful Life,' as all his selflessness seems for naught. One of today's influencers might call George miserable, living in hell. It takes a hapless angel named Clarence to give George a vision of what his family and friends' lives would be like without his altruism (spoiler alert: pretty terrible). The movie ends with George surrounded by a grateful wife and thankful kids, relatives and a household full of friends. Mr. Potter, with money and power to make every wish come true, comes off as the truly miserable one compared to George's wonderful life. Maybe family-first, we-before-me selflessness offers its own angelic perspective during the desperate junctures of marriage and child-rearing, removing us from near-sighted annoyances and heartaches to give us the long view that sacrifices are worth it, and that hard times can bring out the best in us. Writer-surgeon Richard Selzer (1928-2016) was particularly adept at taking miserable medical situations and reframing them through the ennobling actions of a selfless spouse. In Selzer's essay 'Tube Feeding,' a husband tenderly ministers to a wife with an inoperable brain tumor, unable to eat. He devotedly carries out his daily duty when the feeding tube suddenly dislodges, so he nervously scrambles to reattach the tube, a nauseating process. Not wanting his wife to sense his distress, the husband discreetly hurries to a bathroom where she hears him throwing up. In another Selzer essay, he must cut a small nerve to remove the tumor in a woman's cheek — leaving the young wife with a twisted, clownish mouth. As Selzer encounters his patient and her husband back in her hospital room, he asks himself, 'Who are they? ... He and this wry mouth I have made, who gaze at each other so generously, greedily?' 'Will my mouth always be like this?' she asks, and Selzer replies yes, 'because the nerve was cut.' The wife remains silent, but the husband smiles and says, 'I like it ... it is kind of cute.' 'All at once I know who he is,' Selzer continues. 'I understand and I lower my gaze. One is not bold in an encounter with a god. Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth and I am so close I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works.' This article is the fourth of a series on the future of marriage in America.
