God Placed Into Deity Protection Program After Witnessing Murder

The Onion

16-04-2025

ARLINGTON, VA—In an effort to ensure the continued safety of the almighty being, the U.S. Marshals Service confirmed Monday that God, He Who Created the Heavens and the Earth, has been placed into the Deity Protection Program after witnessing a grisly gangland murder.
Federal agents said they were contacted at 3:47 a.m. by the Lord Our God, who, after telling them He had seen a killing on the Camden, NJ docks that implicated members of the DeCavalcante crime family, expressed fear for His own safety. As soon as officials took His statement, U.S. marshals reportedly rushed to supply the 6,000-year-old Supreme Ruler of the Universe with a new identity and relocate Him to an undisclosed location far from His Heavenly Throne.
'When God called to report the shooting, He wanted our absolute assurance that if He gave testimony, no one would ever find Him or His Son,' said an anonymous FBI source who described the Divine Creator as 'incredibly shaken up' as He discussed the terms of protective custody over a cup of black coffee in a holding room. 'He kept warning us that the guys in the crime family would hunt Him down and do things to Him far worse than death. Unfortunately, most gods in a situation like this don't survive without our assistance.'
'But some very bad people are going away for a long time thanks to the Lord's cooperation,' the source added. 'For that we're grateful.'
The Deity Protection Program, first established by Congress in 1970 after the Hindu god Ganesha became an expert witness in a federal racketeering case, has gone on to shelter thousands of omnipotent beings who were threatened after testifying against crime syndicates, drug traffickers, and extremist groups. While specific details about God's arrangement are unconfirmed, in the past the program has provided new identities, $60,000 in support, help finding a job, and U.S. marshal escorts to divinities ranging from Sumerian fertility idols to Chinese dragon kings.
As of 2024, there were an estimated 900 gods, goddesses, and demigods living in American trailer parks, motels, and safe houses under the auspices of the program, which boasts a 100% success rate for those who follow provided safety protocol.
Agency insiders confirmed that the evidence provided by all-seeing, all-knowing sources often helped to win convictions of the worst criminals. However, many deities struggle with the temptation to return to their former divine life. Officials pointed to the 1983 case of ancient Norse god and federal witness Bældæġ, who was found pierced through the heart with an enchanted spear after abandoning his identity as a line cook at a New Hampshire diner.
'What makes this program so important is that many of these deities have made very powerful enemies in their time,' said domestic crime expert Deborah Tuchman, adding that such gods were not necessarily innocent themselves, and were often linked to trillions of crimes through their history overseeing the universe's endless cycle of birth and death. 'Some of them have suffered for thousands of years after instilling humans with the ability to do evil. They feel trapped.'
'In fact, many only agree to testify in order to reduce their own lengthy sentences chained to a rock or imprisoned in Tartarus,' she continued.
Those familiar with the program described the wrenching decision faced by deities who enter the program, pointing to the difficult challenge of leaving behind billions of supporters, angels who cater to their every whim, and a meaningful role overseeing the cosmos in order to spend the foreseeable future working retail in Middle America. Many have complained of the stress caused by neighbors questioning their supplied backstory after they were spotted resurrecting the dead, swallowing lightning, or flying over the face of the planet.
'Do I miss sitting on a lotus flower all day, entirely at one with the universe's profound stillness? Of course,' said Ron D. Polacheck, the Buddhist being of infinite compassion formerly known as Avalokiteśhvara, who now travels the world speaking to audiences about his decades spent in hiding. 'From the second you sign that agreement, you're just some regular jerk. Nothing tastes as good. Your neighbors don't know that you used to be somebody big, someone really important. You keep asking yourself, 'What the hell am I doing working at a hardware store? I'm the Awakened One, for Christ's sake.' But it beats getting tracked down by those lunatics in the Medellín Cartel.'
'Plus, once you get used to it, Kenosha isn't so bad,' the awakened one added.