I was struggling to make adult friends so I took a conversation class – here's what I learnt

Telegraph

02-05-2025

We have forgotten how to talk to each other – and technology may be to blame. A new survey out today, conducted by The Week Junior, has found a quarter of families don't talk to each other over dinner, while an astonishing 77 per cent of us have our phones on the table while eating. And that's the families who do sit down to eat together – which only one in three actually do!
Of course, these habits have a knock on effect as we grow up. If children aren't learning to converse with their parents, they'll struggle at school and beyond.
Inevitably, if we're all glued to tech, then our conversation skills will fall by the wayside: we'll lose the ability to speak to each other and perhaps, even more importantly, listen.
I can already feel that happening in my own life. Having moved to Cheltenham from the North West last year, I'm keen to make more local friends but struggling to delve beyond small talk and dive into something deeper. Existing friendships, meanwhile, have begun to shrivel: limited to a series of half-hearted texts, or catch-ups that go little beyond life's latest happenings. In short, I feel isolated.
When I meet new people, I resort to the standard phrase much beloved by the Royals – 'And what do you do?'
So I decided to see if I could improve my chatting skills by taking a course. Transformational Conversations is a pioneering short course run by the organisation Trigger Conversations. As founder Georgie Nightingall reveals, Trigger 'began out of [her own] frustration and sadness with the question 'So, what do you do?''
It's available as an online version, or three days in-person followed by four Zoom coaching sessions. I chose the latter. The course is divided into six modules and even includes topics such as mindset and identity, with methods I recognised from cognitive behavioural therapy. Coupled with Georgie's infectious enthusiasm – 'let go of doing things right, the main thing is to have fun!' – I found it an engaging deep dive into what makes conversations tick. These are the six skills I learnt along the way.
How to improve your conversation skills
Build rapport (and never say this phrase)
Time spent in close proximity increases rapport but there are things you can do to accelerate it, from eye contact and smiling to having confidence and going first. Small talk is also great for building rapport, or maintaining it for existing relationships, and can act as a gateway to deeper conversation if used creatively, such as 'breaking the script', for example. This means trying to use a more imaginative and quirkier approach than 'What do you do' as an opener, or even answering this standard question by telling people what you do in your spare time, for example.
On the course, my American classmate Daniel does that impeccably, responding to me asking 'What do you do?' by telling me he's currently studying improvisation and contemporary dance in his spare time. My other classmates included Claire – an amiable Londoner who joked her Liverpudlian husband had better social skills than her – plus Susi and Uwe, an endearing couple from Bavaria.
Talk to strangers
Studies show that even brief social exchanges with strangers can improve our wellbeing – and they can be interesting too, despite a tendency for us to undervalue such interactions beforehand. 'Everyone has a bit of gold… at least one thing to say that will surprise you, amuse you, horrify you, edify you,' is how author Joe Keohane explains it in his book The Power of Strangers. We also tend to underestimate how interested and caring strangers are towards our own 'deeper' admissions, so don't be afraid to share. You never know, that stranger could even become a future friend or partner.
It's important to break out of our comfort zone and talk to people who may have different political views to us. In fact, such is our fractured society that, in 2023, the World Health Organisation (WHO) declared loneliness a global health concern. 'High rates of social isolation and loneliness around the world have serious consequences for health and wellbeing,' declared Dr Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, WHO director-general. 'People without enough strong social connections are at higher risk of stroke, anxiety, dementia, depression, suicide and more.'
Learn how to listen
One module that taught this especially resonated with me. Entitled 'Deep listening', the name itself suggests that the art of good conversation lies not in speaking, but listening. It's amazing what people share when you shut up for a little longer.
'There are three common levels of listening,' Georgie tells us, turning to write them on her trusty flip chart. The first is 'listening to respond', where a listener tries to find common ground but then takes over with their own story ('oh yeah you went to New York? It's been a while since I've been. I have friends there actually…').
The second is 'listening for facts' like who, what and where. This can be useful initially, as the speaker feels heard and you're gathering information, but can soon feel akin to an interrogation – particularly if you're sharing nothing yourself. A dead end quickly looms.
The holy grail is the third, listening for experience: what is the meaning for them? 'You pick up on elements like motivations, values, beliefs and emotions. Questions are often quite open,' explains Georgie. She writes down some examples – 'What was that like?, What does that mean for you?' – adding that statements like 'You seem to value beauty' also work well.
'You're trying to join the dots,' adds Georgie, 'and this leads to a deeper level of conversation'. Reflecting on this, I realise that I often linger in the first two modes of listening. I don't necessarily hijack the conversation but it quickly fizzles out if I don't know where to go after we've established common ground. And I do a lot of 'fact collecting', sometimes at the expense of sharing things myself.
Craft a good question
Crafting questions during a group exercise later that afternoon, I realised just how much nuance – and how many potential openings – there can be in one sentence. Our practice statement, 'I loved running along the Thames yesterday', prompts questions from 'How does running fit in your life?' to 'If you could run anywhere, where would you go?'. If you know how to ask, a conversation can have endless possibilities.
Go beyond collecting facts and ask follow-up questions that explore someone's individual experience (for instance 'What was that like?'). You could also use empathetic techniques such as labelling ('It sounds like you feel/think/like/value…'). Plus, there is always mirroring (echoing back two or three key words, e.g. 'started volunteering') to encourage your conversation partner to delve deeper (a favourite technique, apparently, of the late Queen).
Avoid interrupting
Even looking like you're about to interrupt can be off-putting for the speaker, who might need time to find the right words. Exceptions apply, of course, for instance if you need to close the conversation or if you feel you aren't being given enough space to talk, in which case a pre-frame of 'sorry to interrupt' can be helpful before you jump in.
End on a high
If you liked a conversation and want to keep in touch, acknowledge what you enjoyed when saying goodbye, and see if there are ways to connect. For example, after a professional networking event, you might say 'I've really enjoyed our conversation, especially the part about X. Let's connect on LinkedIn and I'll see you at the event next month.'
I stay in touch with Georgie and the group with four follow-up weekly Zoom calls afterwards, and a WhatsApp 'accountability' group to inspire consistent action. As Georgie says, while it helps to use the methods intentionally at first, they eventually become second nature.
There's a real sense of kinship in the WhatsApp group, as we explore our struggles and celebrate our wins. Some days we feel unsociable, some conversations thrive as others fall flat, but that's OK, we all agree. To use a Strictly Come Dancing cliché, it's all part of the journey.
Have I made any good friends in Cheltenham yet? No. But I have much greater faith that I will. After all, I now know how to better connect – and that makes all the difference.