logo
Asking Eric: Husband's anxiety is stressing me out

Asking Eric: Husband's anxiety is stressing me out

Chicago Tribune18-03-2025

Dear Eric: My husband is in his mid-80s and I'm in my late 70s. My husband has always suffered from anxiety, whereas I am calmer.
Over the years, my husband has used various anti-anxiety drugs under a doctor's supervision and found one that works. He has tried some mindfulness techniques, but at times of high anxiety, he doesn't use them. He does use the medication, but it doesn't allow him to stop cycling around and around about his worries.
When he is in this loop, he will refer to the issue frequently but not take any steps to fix the issue. This really stresses me out. He will 'blow up' if I offer a suggestion.
His technique has always been to verbalize the problem over and over until I can't stand it anymore and take care of it without bothering him.
After a recent operation, I had to be his caregiver for a period of time. He really thanked me for it. But he has 'lost a step ' physically. I'm constantly worried when we go out together that he might injure himself, and he resents my nervousness. I want to enjoy our time together and not be made nervous by his anxiety attacks and physical decline. I'm no longer as calm as I used to be! Any advice?
– Anxiety Overload
Dear Overload: One of the wonderful things about cultivating mindfulness is that it's available to anyone at any time. It's a way of thinking about one's physical, mental and emotional state without judgment. Many people who experience anxiety find that it helps them to break out of a stress cycle, or at least to pause it long enough to gather their thoughts. I'm glad that it works for your husband, and I think that it might work for you, too.
It sounds like you've done a lot of work over the decades of your relationship to navigate your husband's journey with anxiety. Some of the methods you've adopted, however, may not have given you what you need. For instance, if you're focused on trying to help him find a solution to something he's stuck on, you may be placing your own emotional regulation second. After his issue is solved, you're left to navigate any tension, stress or anxiety that you're feeling on your own.
That's becoming more of an issue now. You can be a good caregiver and companion while also tending to your own emotional needs. In fact, doing so makes you a better caregiver and companion. The Calm app or the book 'The Miracle of Mindfulness' by Thich Nhat Hanh are great places to begin. When you find yourself getting nervous, acknowledge that feeling without judgment – you may even want to tell your husband, 'I'm feeling stress; I'm going to take a second. Thank you for your patience.' You've spent years giving him the time he needs to reset; give yourself that time, too.
Dear Eric: I read the question and your answer to 'Undecided Plans', who was having cold feet about retiring. I've been teaching an all-day workshop on retiring a few times a year for quite a few years now (even though I retired a few years ago at 71). I have several things to add to your suggestions.
1) Many people are ready financially for retirement significantly before they are emotionally ready.
2) After 50 years of saving for retirement it is challenging for most to start spending down what they have saved.
3) Most of us know what we are retiring from but aren't always sure what we are retiring to.
4) Research indicates that transitioning into retirement is more successful for those who've planned for it.
– Retire Well
Dear Retire Well: Thank you for sharing your knowledge. I love that you teach a class; these are life skills that can be learned and honed.
Dear Eric: With regard to 'Undecided Plans' – retirement doesn't have to be 'all or nothing' in terms of a paycheck. When my husband retired for similar reasons of time and health, he continued to work part time at a climbing gym, making his own schedule and doing something that he enjoyed. He brought in a small paycheck for eight years until the pandemic closed the gym. Now he is fully retired. 'Undecided Plans' could look around for something that fits his interests and transition from fully employed to fully retired at his own pace.
– Part-Time Retirement
Dear Retirement: A number of readers wrote in about how important a part-time job was in helping them transition. It provides a financial cushion and helps give days a structure, without overloading one's schedule. Volunteering also came up as a great way of continuing to engage with people and ideas while learning what excites you in this new phase of life.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

Orange background

Try Our AI Features

Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:

Comments

No comments yet...

Related Articles

Afternoon Briefing: Air quality alert issued due to Canadian wildfires
Afternoon Briefing: Air quality alert issued due to Canadian wildfires

Yahoo

time5 days ago

  • Yahoo

Afternoon Briefing: Air quality alert issued due to Canadian wildfires

Good afternoon, Chicago. An air pollution action day was called this morning for the Chicago area and is in effect until midnight, weather officials said. Officials issued an alert as air quality is expected to reach unhealthy levels in all of Wisconsin until noon tomorrow, but the coverage area was expanded to include parts of northeast Illinois. This was the first air quality warning for the Chicago area as Canadian wildfires continue. The fires have forced thousands of Canadians to flee their homes and sent smoke as far as Europe. Here's what else is happening today. And remember, for the latest breaking news in Chicago, visit and sign up to get our alerts on all your devices. Subscribe to more newsletters | Asking Eric | Horoscopes | Puzzles & Games | Today in History The Chicago Teachers Union is threatening to sue the Chicago Board of Education over budget plans proposed by outgoing schools chief Pedro Martinez that it says constitute unfair labor practices and violations of the recently ratified contract. Read more here. More top news stories: Charges dropped against Harvey Ald. Colby Chapman, arrested at April City Council meeting Former Geminus employee sentenced to two years for stealing federal funds If McDonald's ever doubted it needed to bring back the Snack Wrap, consider this: Nine years after the fast-food powerhouse discontinued the item in the U.S., customers have continued to order it at drive-thrus. Read more here. More top business stories: Ford posts May sales gain with employee discounts for all Hindu temple complex/residential development in Elgin gets thumbs-down from commission The Chicago Blackhawks gave a sneak peek of the Fifth Third Arena expansion to the media Tuesday — still a skeletal collection of steel beams, HVAC systems and construction dust — but they dropped some meatier news during the tour: The Chicago Steel are coming. Read more here. More top sports stories: Chicago Cubs rely on timely hits and Michael Busch's near cycle in 8-3 win: 'He's always patient' Shane Smith's curveball is an effective weapon in Chicago White Sox's 8-1 win over Detroit Tigers The exhibit is smartly centered on the endless interpretations of Spider-Man the Character who, despite being 64 years old, yet still a teenage spider, has remained remarkably mutable. Read more here. More top Eat. Watch. Do. stories: 'Stick' review: Owen Wilson scores in a comedy about golf, mentorship and picking yourself up from your lowest lows Column: Groucho Marx, playing one night only in the Loop President Donald Trump said that Russian President Vladimir Putin told him 'very strongly' in a phone call today that he will respond to Ukraine's weekend drone attack on Russian airfields. Read more here. More top stories from around the world: The Dutch government has collapsed. What happens next? Tom Girardi, estranged husband of 'Real Housewives' star, gets 7 years in prison for stealing millions from clients

Afternoon Briefing: Air quality alert issued due to Canadian wildfires
Afternoon Briefing: Air quality alert issued due to Canadian wildfires

Chicago Tribune

time5 days ago

  • Chicago Tribune

Afternoon Briefing: Air quality alert issued due to Canadian wildfires

Good afternoon, Chicago. An air pollution action day was called this morning for the Chicago area and is in effect until midnight, weather officials said. Officials issued an alert as air quality is expected to reach unhealthy levels in all of Wisconsin until noon tomorrow, but the coverage area was expanded to include parts of northeast Illinois. This was the first air quality warning for the Chicago area as Canadian wildfires continue. The fires have forced thousands of Canadians to flee their homes and sent smoke as far as Europe. Here's what else is happening today. And remember, for the latest breaking news in Chicago, visit and sign up to get our alerts on all your devices. Subscribe to more newsletters | Asking Eric | Horoscopes | Puzzles & Games | Today in History The Chicago Teachers Union is threatening to sue the Chicago Board of Education over budget plans proposed by outgoing schools chief Pedro Martinez that it says constitute unfair labor practices and violations of the recently ratified contract. Read more here. More top news stories: If McDonald's ever doubted it needed to bring back the Snack Wrap, consider this: Nine years after the fast-food powerhouse discontinued the item in the U.S., customers have continued to order it at drive-thrus. Read more here. More top business stories: The Chicago Blackhawks gave a sneak peek of the Fifth Third Arena expansion to the media Tuesday — still a skeletal collection of steel beams, HVAC systems and construction dust — but they dropped some meatier news during the tour: The Chicago Steel are coming. Read more here. More top sports stories: The exhibit is smartly centered on the endless interpretations of Spider-Man the Character who, despite being 64 years old, yet still a teenage spider, has remained remarkably mutable. Read more here. More top Eat. Watch. Do. stories: President Donald Trump said that Russian President Vladimir Putin told him 'very strongly' in a phone call today that he will respond to Ukraine's weekend drone attack on Russian airfields. Read more here. More top stories from around the world:

Asking Eric: Neighbors' trash habits cause a ruckus
Asking Eric: Neighbors' trash habits cause a ruckus

Washington Post

time01-06-2025

  • Washington Post

Asking Eric: Neighbors' trash habits cause a ruckus

Dear Eric: We live in a big city where houses are very close together. My neighbors keep their trash bins in the driveway close to my front and side doors. They have three dogs, and the bin banging begins early, sometimes before 7 in the morning. My living room and kitchen are right next to their driveway, so I hear banging from trash lids all day long from throwing dog waste and more. When I worked, I probably didn't notice as much, but I'm retired now, and it is really getting on my nerves. I want to ask them to please try to close the bin quietly instead of just letting the lids drop and bang, but my husband thinks they will retaliate and make it worse. We mostly have a good relationship with them, but I do not want to have this banging the rest of my life. Ideally, they should put their bins in the alley, but I would settle for quiet shutting as I guess it is convenient for them to keep close to my door. Your thoughts? — Quiet Please Quiet: If you have a mostly peaceable relationship with your neighbors, it doesn't seem likely that a request like this would escalate to retaliation. It's a reasonable ask and your solutions — either moving the bins or being more conscientious about shutting them — are seemingly easy to implement. Whether in a big city with its close proximities, or a remote piece of land where the nearest house is barely in view, or somewhere in between, we have to figure out how to live in harmony with those around us. As with any other relationship, one of the foundations of good neighborhood is communication. And that runs both ways. When you let them know what you're experiencing, you empower them to make a change. So, don't be afraid to speak up. Now, it's also true that some people are, well, jerks. And if that's the case and they set about making more noise, rather than less, then you've got a different issue. But I'm hoping conscientiousness wins out for your sake. Dear Eric: I have remained close with my college roommate, Chris, for 45 years. Life has not been easy for her due to various health issues, which I believe all stem from her unhealthy eating habits. About 10 years ago, after Chris was laid off from a job she loved and had worked at for years, she found herself in a financial bind. She came to stay with my family in another state for several months, rent free, while she looked for another job and an affordable apartment, neither of which panned out. After advising us that she was going to stop looking until she got back from a planned cruise, I finally had to ask her to leave when we realized we were being taken advantage of. Before Chris left, we paid off her car loan to help her along. Since then, Chris has continually called to ask for money because she knows I can afford to give it to her. She has asked for and been given money from other friends as well to help her out with her medical bills. The last time she called I finally put my foot down and told her I was not going to give her any more money. Now I find myself feeling guilty, but I am also feeling resentful. I do worry about Chris and what will happen to her. Am I wrong for feeling this way? — Guilty Friend Friend: It makes sense that you'd feel a complicated mix of emotions. You care about Chris — and have for decades — and you want what's best for her. You've also put a lot of energy into helping her out. But, from your telling, Chris isn't being active enough in finding solutions to her financial troubles. Or, at least, as active as you'd prefer. So, the guilt probably stems from the feeling that you can do more, even though you suspect that doing more for Chris might not solve the underlying issue. It's worth considering that Chris may have other struggles that are preventing her from getting back on her feet. This doesn't give her free license to treat you like an ATM, but perhaps thinking about her journey in a different way will help ease the resentment you're feeling. Now that you've drawn the line, you have an opportunity to redefine how your friendship works. You might talk with her about how those requests felt to you and how you're feeling now. The goal is to clear the air a bit so that, ideally, you can be there for each other as longtime friends and, potentially, you can provide support for Chris in ways that aren't monetary. (Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@ or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at 2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

DOWNLOAD THE APP

Get Started Now: Download the App

Ready to dive into the world of global news and events? Download our app today from your preferred app store and start exploring.
app-storeplay-store