Enough talk, President Trump. Invade Canada.

Yahoo

01-04-2025

There's really nothing worse for the free world than an American president who cannot be taken seriously, whose words are empty and shallow, or who makes absurd proclamations that might even be a few miles past crazy town.
And that is why President Trump must invade Canada.
Seizing Canada is the only way to let the world know that Trump is a serious man. Heck, if July 4 comes and Canada isn't eating hot dogs and drinking Bud Light, both Trump and Vice President JD Vance should resign.
There is good reason to invade Canada. In both 1992 and 1993, the Toronto Blue Jays won the World Series. That stain on American honor can never be erased.
Canada has also maligned us in other ways deserving of armed invasion. Take, for example, its contribution to American obesity through the widespread deployment of Tim Horton's franchises.
Trump has complained about the fentanyl that Canadians are secreting into American cities. He should have mentioned that Tim Horton's soup, sandwich and doughnut combo that has caused Type II diabetes. As part of our invasion of Canada, we need to rename all the Tim Horton's as Wayne Gretzky's. He's the perfect symbol of a real American who has turned his back on both Canada and Ukraine.
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Canada has subtlety exported pain to Americans in other ways. Although Canada masks its immigrant flows to America with talents like Michael J. Fox and Mike Myers, it also snuck in Nickelback and Robin Thicke.
Our last invasion of Canada didn't go to well. In fact, Canada whipped us pretty badly back in 1812. But one way to make Canada surrender quickly would be to broadcast Nickelback on loudspeakers across Lake Erie.
I don't want to gloss over the problems of invading Canada. There are many. Our strategically placed troops in Alaska, the 11th Airborne Division, would have to walk about 10 million snow-covered miles across northern Canada to find a town to capture.
Or, we could send the 10th Mountain Division from Fort Drum New York to repeat the 1812 Invasion plan. After all, that was the last time we really planned on invading Canada. Maybe Elon Musk can find that plan tucked safely away in a Washington, D.C. warehouse, right beside an Indiana Jones hat and the Ark of the Covenant.
We are also going to have to do a lot of forgetting to make the invasion of Canada successful.
We are going to have to forget the deadly Canadian attacks at Vimy Ridge in 1917 that helped buy the United States time to ship our Army to France or the two war-weary Canadian Corps who fought with us at the Meuse-Argonne in 1918.
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We're really going to have to forget the 3,700 Canadian sailors and aircrew who died defending American troopships and equipment from German submarines as we sailed to Europe between 1942 and 1945.
We are going to also have to forget that on D-Day, Canada sacrificed her sons at twice the rate we did. That should be dammed hard for us to forget — unless you think we fought on the wrong side in World War II.
We are going to have to forget that Canadian light infantry battalion that earned the American Presidential Unit Citation fighting alongside us in Korea. Of course, that was President Truman, a cursed Democrat, so that fact is destined to be tucked down the memory hole anyway.
We are going to have to forget that Canadian troops fought alongside us in liberating Kuwait. And 158 members of Canada's armed forces died in Afghanistan because Osama bin Laden attacked the U.S.
I'm going to find that hard to forget. So should you.
The U.S. and Canada don't agree on everything. But we are close enough that Trump signed what he called 'the best and most important trade deal ever made by the USA' in 2019. It seems like he might be a bit, um — forgetful.
There would not have been a Canada if those colonies had joined with us in 1776 to declare independence. They chose to stick with Great Britain and George III, becoming a full-fledged independent democracy less than a century later. The U.S. and Canada have been good neighbors, and good friends, ever since.
It is hard for almost any rational American to discern what has now happened to that relationship. Even Trump's closest advisors are puzzled — and these are a group specially chosen for their absence of independent thought.
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Trump's talk about Canada might be because he admires monarchies and thinks they'll make him king. It might just be the case that as long as Trump is pursuing King George III's economic policies, he might as well conquer a part of the British Commonwealth.
We won't get anywhere asking why with this administration. They don't know. So that leaves us moving back to our main point.
There's really nothing worse for the free world than an American president who cannot be taken seriously, and whose mumbling half sentences invoke deep signs of dementia or psychosis.
That is why Trump must invade Canada — or we will be forced to judge him a bumbling, demented psychotic.
Michael J. Hicks is the director of the Center for Business and Economic Research and the George and Frances Ball distinguished professor of economics in the Miller College of Business at Ball State University.
This article originally appeared on Indianapolis Star: Tariffs aren't enough. Let's invade Canada. | Opinion