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Yahoo
25 minutes ago
- Yahoo
What Is 'Soiling the Nest'—and Why Your Teen Might Be Acting Out Before Leaving Home
As parents, we often expect our child's transition from home to be one filled with happy memory-making and bonding. Instead, we sometimes find ourselves in a situation that makes absolutely no sense. Before our child spreads their wings and leaves there may be flaring tempers, rebellion, and angry outbursts—which may leave many of us hurt, scratching our heads, and wondering what exactly is going on. Some mental health professionals refer to this phenomenon as 'soiling the nest,'—the period of time before your adult child leaves home that is often marked by increased tension and conflict. In place of the sweet memories, long talks, and frequent hugs we expect, we find our house is filled with friction, confusion, and disappointment. Keep reading to find out why soiling the nest happens, what you can do about it, and why it actually might be perfectly normal behavior. "Soiling the nest" is a psychological term describing a phenomenon where teens, as they prepare to leave home, engage in conflict or negative behavior in order to make the transition easier, says Samantha Potthoff, MA, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder of The Therapy Collective of California. 'The phrase originates from observations in nature, particularly in birds, where fledglings may disrupt their nests before leaving, signaling readiness for independence,' says Potthoff. 'In humans, the transition from child to teenager to adult can be marked with tension or distance to ease the transition.' She says signs your teen might "soiling the nest" include: Criticizing family rules Picking fights over trivial matters Rejecting family traditions Expressing disdain for parental habits Complaining about meals they once enjoyed Mocking family values Withdrawing emotionally Creating tension and drama frequently Testing boundaries 'This behavior serves an unconscious emotional function,' says Potthoff. 'It helps teens manage the anxiety of leaving home by making separation feel more necessary or deserved. Conflict creates emotional distance, reducing the guilt or fear of abandoning their family. It also allows them to test their autonomy.' When preparing to leave the home or go to college, teenagers are in the process of developing their own identities and asserting independence, says Robin Hershkowitz, MSW, LCSW-R, the associate vice chancellor for the Office of Student Mental Health and Wellness and assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at New York Medical College. Hershkowitz says the trust that exists between you and your teen helps them not only feel safe with you, but also in the world. So, when they are approaching young adulthood, they are confident enough to explore, develop, differentiate, and consolidate their own identities. 'It is critical to understand that this behavior is not a rejection of the parent-child relationship; it is instead a mechanism for the teen to navigate their own transition into adulthood,' says Hershkowitz. Teens are in the phase of exploring their roles, discovering their adult selves, and seeking independence, she explains. Fear around the upcoming adjustment, anticipatory anxiety, and positive emotions such as excitement can also trigger them to act out. 'So, their response is a way to cope with those negative or conflicting feelings by helping them create space and emotional distance from their caregivers,' she says. Keep in mind that your teen is wired for separation, says Brandy Schumann, PhD, LPC-S, NCC, RPT-STM, CCPT-S, CPRT-S, a licensed professional counselor and clinical professor at SMU. In this stage, teens tend to be emotional, impulsive, reactive as they try to make sense of big feelings and adjust to their newfound independence. 'Leaving home, even when exciting, is still a loss, for both parent and child,' she says. '[Teens] are trying to figure out who they are outside the family structure. They've likely outgrown the role they are currently in and are in transition to fit in the next. And that's messy.' Unfortunately, parents sometimes interpret the same behavior as rejection or failure, she says. But for many teens, it reassuring to know that there's a safe space for them to express themselves. 'NurtureShock by Po Bronson explains this beautifully,' says Schumann. 'Teens often argue or push back not because they feel disconnected from their parents, but because they feel secure enough to do so. To them, conflict is a sign that the relationship is strong. They can push and still be loved.'"Teens often argue or push back not because they feel disconnected from their parents, but because they feel secure enough to do so. To them, conflict is a sign that the relationship is strong. They can push and still be loved"Remember, your teen's behaviors are not motivated by a desire to cause harm, says Hershkowitz. 'It may feel like they are intentionally trying to cause distress, but in fact they are working something out. Their ability to be emotional and show that reflects that they feel safe enough with you to do so. The distinction here is crucial.' It's also important not to confuse this normal developmentally-appropriate behavior with toxic behavior. Hershkowitz says toxic behavior would look different, such as making choices that are reckless, causing harm to themself or others, and abusing substances. Unhealthy behavior also include aggression, isolation, and withdrawal from friends and family, she says. 'Emotionally, [toxic behavior] would look like intense, prolonged changes in mood—including chronic irritability, or sadness,' says Hershkowitz. 'Anything that persists for two weeks or longer, consistently, should be evaluated by a mental health professional.' If you're having trouble determining whether your teen is behaving normally or not, Schumann suggests asking yourself: Does your teen come back to center eventually, even if things get tense? Are there still glimpses of affection, humor, or connection? If the answer is yes, it's likely part of the natural push-pull of launching, she explains. 'Toxic behavior usually lacks that return-to-relationship and often involves ongoing harm or disrespect with no accountability,' says Schumann. 'It's important not to take these moments too personally or mistake emotional growth for rejection.' If you find that your teen is soiling the nest, Veronica Lichtenstein, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor and owner of Veronica Listens, suggests staying calm and communicating with your soon-to-be young adult. If you're feeling particularly emotional, it can help to mark your calendar for two to three campus visits each year. Not only do you have something to look forward to, but visual reassurance eases separation anxiety for both of you, says Lichtenstein. Also, prioritize FaceTime over text—seeing their face can reveal more than emojis ever could, she says. 'Even with all my training, this shift is a big one,' says Schumann, whose daughter is gearing up to leave for college in the fall. 'The grief of letting go is real. I've found myself missing the old rhythms of our relationship and sometimes feeling completely off-balance. But in the middle of all that, I've also gotten to witness who she's becoming and that's been deeply moving.' It also dawned on Schumann that parents are going through a developmental stage, too. 'We don't talk about it much, but we should. While our kids are launching, we're adjusting emotionally, mentally, and financially. Many of us are also part of the sandwich generation—supporting aging parents while parenting kids who are technically adults but still fully on our phone plans, health insurance, and…our tax returns.'According to Hershkowitz, feeling sad or upset does not mean something is wrong, or that you are not happy your teen is going to college and growing up. Instead, it reflects the strong relationship you built and is a natural, justified response to this life transition, she says. Here are some ways she says you can ground yourself during this transition. Embrace change. Change is a constant part of life, and by allowing for this change without challenging it can be adaptive, she says. Also, allow yourself time to adjust to your new normal. Acknowledge your feelings. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment, she says. Maintain a sense of normalcy. Having structure and routine can support transitions and help you feel organized and grounded, she says. Take care of yourself. This will mean something different for everyone, she says. 'For some, it may mean talking to a friend who understands, for others, it may be practicing mindfulness or spending time outside, in nature. Whatever it is, create a dedicated, scheduled time for self-care.' Focus on what you can control. Focus on what you can control and influence, and release what is beyond your control, she says. 'Setting small goals can be helpful because it enables you to track progress and break tasks down into more manageable steps.'Once your child has officially left the nest, don't be surprised if you experience some relief mixed with sadness, says Potthoff. Over time, you may even come to embrace your newfound freedom. That said, your teen's absence also can expose parental identity loss as well as unresolved marital dynamics, she says. Some parents even experience "empty nest syndrome,' which includes intense feelings of sadness, loneliness, and loss. To navigate this Potthoff recommends reconnecting with your partner if you have one and rediscovering shared interests outside parenting. You also should use this time for hobbies, career shifts, or self-growth. Of course, you'll also want to communicate with your child even though they are no longer at home, she says. But give them space. Check in without pressure and make sure they are doing OK without controlling them or offering too much unsolicited advice. Also keep in mind that those first visits home may bring renewed conflict as the child reimagines their role in the family, she says. '[Your teen] is learning how to navigate their world without you next to them, knowing you are there when and if they need you,' adds Hershkowitz. 'Ask them how you can stay in touch, what would work best for them, and do not hesitate to tell them you love them, without causing any guilt or expectation that they must be in touch with you all the time.' Find a balance of being available and allowing them to be mildly uncomfortable, she says. 'You want to remind them that they have the ability, skills, and tools to figure this out. If [you] swoop in, then your teen cannot learn to do it for themselves, which is needed to develop a sense of mastery and feel competent.' Read the original article on Parents
Yahoo
26 minutes ago
- Yahoo
NTSB Chair says systemic failures led to door plug flying off Boeing 737 Max plane midflight
National Transportation Safety Board Chair Jennifer Homendy said Tuesday that the heroic actions of the crew aboard Alaska Airlines flight 1282 ensured everyone survived the terrifying incident last year when the door plug panel flew off the plane shortly after takeoff in January of 2024. But Homendy said 'the crew shouldn't have had to be heroes, because this accident never should have happened' if Boeing and the Federal Aviation Administration had done enough to ensure the safety of the Boeing 737 Max plane. She said the investigation over the past 17 months found bigger problems than just the revelation that bolts securing what is known as the door plug panel were removed and never replaced during a repair because 'an accident like this only happens when there are multiple system failures.' Homendy said Boeing's new CEO, Kelly Ortberg, has made many improvements in safety since he took the job last summer but more needs to be done. The board is expected to approve several recommendations at Tuesday's meeting to keep something similar from happening again. The blow out aboard Alaska Airlines flight 1282 occurred minutes after it took off from Portland, Oregon, and created a roaring air vacuum that sucked objects out of the cabin and scattered them on the ground below along with debris from the fuselage. Seven passengers and one flight attended received minor injuries, but no one was killed. Pilots were able to land the plane safely back at the airport. Oxygen masks dropped and phones went flying The accident occurred as the plane flew at 16,000 feet (4,800 meters). Oxygen masks dropped during the rapid decompression and a few cellphones and other objects were swept through the hole in the plane as 171 passengers contended with wind and roaring noise. The first six minutes of the flight to Southern California's Ontario International Airport were routine. The Boeing 737 Max 9 was about halfway to its cruising altitude and traveling at more than 400 mph (640 kph) when passengers described a loud 'boom' and wind so strong it ripped the shirt off someone's back. 'We knew something was wrong,' Kelly Bartlett told The Associated Press in the days following the flight. 'We didn't know what. We didn't know how serious. We didn't know if it meant we were going to crash.' The 2-foot-by-4-foot (61-centimeter-by-122-centimeter) piece of fuselage covering an unoperational emergency exit behind the left wing had blown out. Only seven seats on the flight were unoccupied, including the two seats closest to the opening. Missing bolts put the focus on Boeing's manufacturing The panel that blew off was made and installed by a supplier, Spirit AeroSystems. It was removed at a Boeing factory so workers could repair damaged rivets, but bolts that help secure the door plug were not replaced. It's not clear who removed the panel. The NTSB said in a preliminary report that four bolts were not replaced after a repair job in a Boeing factory, but the company has said the work was not documented. Investigators determined the door plug was gradually moving upward over the 154 flights prior to this incident before it ultimately flew off. Boeing factory workers told NTSB investigators they felt pressured to work too fast and were asked to perform jobs they weren't qualified for, including opening and closing the door plug on the particular plane involved. Only one of the 24 people on the door team had ever removed one of these plugs before and that person was on vacation when it was done on the plane. A Boeing door installer said he was never told to take any shortcuts, but everyone faced pressure to keep the assembly line moving. 'That's how mistakes are made. People try to work too fast,' he told investigators. The installer and other workers were not named in documents about the probe. Investigators said Boeing did not do enough to train newer workers who didn't have a background in manufacturing. Many of its workers who were hired after the pandemic and after two crashes involving the 737 Max planes lacked that experience. But the NTSB staff also told the board Boeing didn't have strong enough safety practices in place to ensure the door plug was properly reinstalled, and the FAA inspection system did not do a good job of catching systemic failures in manufacturing. Problems with the Boeing 737 Max The Max version of Boeing's bestselling 737 airplane has been the source of persistent troubles for the company since two of the jets crashed, one in Indonesia in 2018 and another in Ethiopia in 2019, killing a combined 346 people. Investigators determined those crashes were caused by a system that relied on a sensor providing faulty readings to push the nose down, leaving pilots unable to regain control. After the second crash, Max jets were grounded worldwide until the company redesigned the system. Last month, the Justice Department reached a deal allowing Boeing to avoid criminal prosecution for allegedly misleading U.S. regulators about the Max before the two crashes. But regulators at the Federal Aviation Administration have capped Boeing's 737 Max production at 38 jets a month while investigators ensure the company has strengthened its safety practices. Boeing hired Ortberg last year and created a new position for a senior vice president of quality to help improve its manufacturing. The company was back in the news earlier this month when a 787 flown by Air India crashed shortly after takeoff and killed at least 270 people. Investigators have not determined what caused that crash, but so far they have not found any flaws with the model, which has a strong safety record. ___ Associated Press writer Claire Rush in Portland, Oregon, contributed to this report. Josh Funk, The Associated Press
Associated Press
34 minutes ago
- Associated Press
Trump flashes anger at Israel and Iran over faltering ceasefire
The Associated Press is an independent global news organization dedicated to factual reporting. Founded in 1846, AP today remains the most trusted source of fast, accurate, unbiased news in all formats and the essential provider of the technology and services vital to the news business. More than half the world's population sees AP journalism every day.
