Joburg date murder: Olorato's grieving mom tells of her heartbreak
Single mom Keabetswe Mongale mourns her only child Olorato.
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Yahoo
3 hours ago
- Yahoo
I can't stand my sister's husband. What can I do about him?
I love my sister. But I can't stand her husband. He is an idiot who thinks he is better than other people and talks down to them. I am a man in my 50s and I used to visit my sister a lot, but now I would rather do something else. I try to hide it, but it must be clear I am not keen on him. They have been married for eight years and things are getting worse; he used to work and contribute, but now he doesn't even do that. What can I do? I want to support my sister while spending as little time as possible with her husband. This happens in lots of families, unfortunately. Unless one's parents split and remarry, it's usually only when siblings partner up that a new person (a stranger!) is brought into the family and the dynamics change. We all wish these new additions bring joy and harmony, but sadly often they do not. And then we're not only saddled with a person we don't like, who is now part of the family, but we're left looking at the person who brought them in and thinking, 'Really?' This can lead to all manner of unravelling of childhood feelings when it's a sibling. Unfortunately we can't control this, as people will insist on doing their own thing. You didn't tell me your sister's age (or about her previous partners and how you felt about them) but it sounds as if this dynamic is relatively new to you. Reading your letter I was left wondering about many things – the age gap between you and your sister, what your relationship was like before, how you were brought up. Sometimes it's easier to have feelings toward the in-laws than the person who brought them in My specialist this week, UKCP-registered psychotherapist Stephanie White, felt the same. Sorry for all the questions, but they may help you. We wondered if you were used to looking after your sister or being her protector? What did your brother-in-law change for you? 'Is there,' asks White, 'something familiar here? Does he remind you of a significant person from your early life?' This can be important because, while you may still find your brother-in-law annoying, the irritation may lessen if you realise he reminds you of someone else and is therefore being overly harshly judged. The fact that your brother-in-law doesn't work and 'doesn't contribute' also seems really pertinent here. No one likes a sponger – is that how you see him? 'Ultimately,' says White, 'your sister chose this man.' And maybe in her doing so you see parts of her you don't like and find it difficult to admit to? Maybe you have to come to a place where you love your sister but don't like her choices. Are you with someone? Does she like your partner? White suggests you try to see if there's any common ground with your brother-in-law. That may be hard given your feelings towards him, but it's worth a try. If not, 'try to manoeuvre time with your sister without him'. Related: I'm smitten, but does my boyfriend's dysfunctional family bode ill for our future? | Ask Annalisa Barbieri I've long come to the conclusion that sometimes it's easier to have feelings toward the in-law(s) than the person who brought them in. Problems presented as, for example, 'I don't get on with my mother-in-law' are often, when you scratch the surface, really about, 'I wish my husband would be more assertive.' That's worth thinking about. In therapy, it's said that people we don't like often remind us of people from our childhood, or even bits of ourselves that we don't like. And while I think that's true, I'm not a therapist so I can say that sometimes people are just plain annoying. In our own lives we can move away from these people, but when they are brought into the family by others, we are stuck with them. All you can do is try to work out just why you find your brother-in-law so annoying, which may help. And then do not reduce the time you spend with your sister, but don't spend any more time with him than necessary. If your sister asks, I find the very English phrase 'he's just not my cup of tea' works wonders. • Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa's podcast is available here. • Comments on this piece are pre-moderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
Washington Post
4 hours ago
- Washington Post
Carolyn Hax: Why can't sister-in-law just take their mother's advice in stride?
Dear Carolyn: You mentioned the importance of people feeling heard and what a difference it can make. I agree, but I'm a constant witness to my sister-in-law, 'Jane,' not extending that kindness to my mom. My mom is a super homemaker; no one cooks or cleans like her. She knows that, so she tends to offer advice. It can be a little annoying but also completely harmless and well-meaning. When she does it to me, I always say her way sounds better and agree to give it a try. To her credit, she never points out that I rarely follow through; she's happy if I just agree with her. After a recent holiday, she offered suggestions to Jane about the dinner. If you're wondering why not my brother instead, it's because if it had been up to him, we'd have had takeout on paper plates. Later, she did offer him a suggestion about how he was washing dishes, which he handled like I do. The things my mom said to Jane weren't mean or malicious, and it wouldn't have taken any effort for Jane to agree that the tablecloth would have looked better if it had been ironed, that the salad vegetables were a little underdone, that loose tea is better than bags. But my sister-in-law answers as if she said something else. Like when my mom said the tablecloth needed to be ironed, Jane said, 'Yes, we got that in France. Isn't it lovely?' It's weird and hurtful. My brother said he thinks Jane's way is 'clever,' but it's not to my mom. She even talked on the way home about how Jane ignores and 'talks down to' her. Can I try discussing this with Jane, since she is not the sort to be deliberately hurtful? — Constant Witness Constant Witness: An hour in this kitchen, and you'd witness me smashing crockery. Jane is a saint. Not just because of the oh-no-we-are-NOT-doing-this gaslight job you did with the storytelling. But let's talk about that: Since Jane prepared a holiday dinner for her husband's family on her own initiative, clearly, can we agree she undertook a lot of labor for love? Then your mom thanks her with three criticisms that couldn't hope to get any pettier. Oh. My. Floofing. Dog. You call them 'suggestions' that are, oh kayyy, 'a little annoying'! But 'completely harmless, 'well-meaning'! and 'weren't mean or malicious.' !!! To nitpick your daughter-in-law's holiday hosting is dictionary mean in a few senses — not to get all definey on you. Do you know what is actually 'completely' without harm? 'Thank you for a lovely dinner.' It's also 100 percent annoyance-free, requiring no multi-paragraph contortionist interpretive dancing by hyper-compliant grown children, because it's kind on its face. You are a constant witness to your mother not extending that kindness to Jane. Flatly withholding. What is the point of homemaking, an honorable and important purpose, if not warmth? And support. Yet you see Jane as problematic because she won't join your group lie propping up the queen of this preening dysfunction. Part of my urge to smash things is that I know, I know, there's a heart here somewhere that's trying to find the right place. Through all the eerie over-justified homemaker-matriarch reverence is a vibe that you're protective of your mother. Like, everyone needs to be in on this performative awe at her expertise, and Jane's refusal to simper along puts a fragile person at risk. Whatever the motivation, your response to Mom's deathless faultfinding unsolicited corrections is a disingenuous 'Your way sounds better, I'll try it,' then seamlessly ignoring her — and I couldn't ask for a better example in the wild of talking down to someone. So, whew. Thank you for that. It is not 'hearing' your mother. It's humoring her. It's buying (lying) your way out of the hard work of honest communication. This means a couple of things. For one, minor, it means you owe it to Jane to be a whole lot less upset with her. I recommend non-upset. While you're talking down to your mother, she's merely talking past your mother's left elbow, a survival tactic she probably whipped up to keep from throwing crockery herself. (Or she got it from me, since I've advised it before.) You and your brother had lifetimes, remember, to learn how to absorb un! re! len! ting! disapproval from a mother who, I'm guessing, finds love-love too vulnerable. Next, major: It means recognizing this whole humor-Mother act is, in fact, an elaborately workshopped emotional survival tactic. It's not some effortless courtesy gesture. Following the good-intentions idea, I'll posit that your mom is in her own protective shell. She may have found perfectionism safer than emotional intimacy. What your family is protecting itself from, that's too far offstage for me to see. (Maybe not for you and a therapist.) I just see performance where honest connection could be. In a truth-telling family, for example, you'd respond to Mom in the car: 'I wouldn't want to hear what I did wrong after cooking all day. To bond with Jane, try, 'I'm so grateful [Son] found you.''
News24
5 hours ago
- News24
SA Post Office chases R1.5bn profit by 2029 in ambitious five-year turnaround plan
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