30 Same-Sex Couples Raising Kids Get Candid About Their Experience in New Study
A new Pew Research study shares a glimpse at what life is like for same-sex parents raising kids.
Researchers spoke with 30 gay, lesbian, and bisexual adults currently raising children with a same-sex partner. According to the Pew, fewer than 1% of parents in the United States are married to or living with a same-sex spouse or partner. To better understand their experiences as parents, researchers spoke with a variety of families, and many shared that they feel like any 'typical' family—trying to juggle it all. Although some of the same-sex couples they interviewed also reported dealing with expensive paths to parenthood, as well as uncertainty amidst current political turmoil.
The research was not intended to represent all LGBTQ+ people, but it provides rare, valuable insight into what parenting as a same-sex couple is like today.
Interesting learnings from the study included details on the emotional and logical challenges same-sex couples may face when trying to become parents, including reproductive challenges, financial stresses, and popular misconceptions about same-sex parenting.
Many couples say their lives are pretty similar to everyone else's. One mom said she and her family 'live a very, very typical life. It's just us being two women who are married and raising beautiful, wonderful kids.'
However, some parents flagged that they've had challenges when explaining to their children why their family is different and why some people may not accept them. The study notes that 'a few' parents said their children can be cautious when sharing about their family.
Parents also shared their feelings on the current political climate; some said they've 'discussed' leaving the country, while others mentioned pursuing second-parent adoption to ensure their rights are not taken away. Despite everything, parents still have hope that things will change and that all families can thrive in the future.
Same-sex parents may face expensive, and sometimes unexpected, financial and legal roadblocks when trying to start or grow their family. For families with biological children, this can include assisted reproduction, like IUI, IVF, and surrogacy. Other families go the adoption route, which can be a time-consuming and expensive process as well.
One parent interviewed said her journey to parenthood took 'nearly a decade,' while others mentioned some agencies refused to work with same-sex parents. Finances also play a major factor, whether that's paying for fertility treatments, reproductive procedures like IUI, surrogacy, or dealing with insurance—not to mention legal fees. One father in his 50s said the road to parenthood cost him $200,000—something he would not have been able to afford in his younger years.
The legalities of adoption and surrogacy vary from state to state, which can complicate things for parents. According to Eric Wrubel, a partner at Schwartz Sladkus Reich Greenberg Atlas, LLP in New York who handles family law, the adoption process is 'rigorous' yet 'generally easy' for heterosexual couples or single parents looking to adopt. But things can be more complex for same-sex parents."Even today, gay and lesbian couples face discrimination when seeking to find a child to adopt, working with an agency to find a birth mother, and even in their selection by a birth mother to be the adoptive parents of her child."'Even today, gay and lesbian couples face discrimination when seeking to find a child to adopt, working with an agency to find a birth mother, and even in their selection by a birth mother to be the adoptive parents of her child,' he shares. 'Even after a child is born and received into the home of his or her adoptive parents, the adoption must be judged by a court. Accordingly, bias in the form of delays, review of submissions, and outright denial of the adoption can occur—thereby placing continued hurdles in the adoption process for LGBTQ adoptive parents.'
The path to surrogacy is marked by similar legal hoops to jump through. Janene Oleaga, a fertility attorney practicing in New York, Maine, and New Hampshire, says that while some states allow same-sex couples to be listed on the birth certificate through the surrogacy and parentage process, others only allow the genetic parent. This means the non-genetic parent must adopt the child.
According to John Nachlinger, a New Jersey-based family law attorney and an LGBTQ+ parent of an adopted child, 'family law was designed for a traditional mold—one mom, one dad, one home.' Though efforts have been made to modernize it, 'many policies still reflect outdated assumptions about what constitutes a 'real' family, and current political initiatives are making things worse—restricting funding to organizations that recognize only heterosexual marriages and treating same-sex families as inferior.'
According to Nachlinger, even if same-sex parents are married and both are listed on the birth certificate, they should still go through the second-parent adoption process because having a legal framework to define your relationship with the child is crucial. One study participant said that even though her wife donated her embryo, because she didn't physically give birth to the child, she was not listed as the mother on the child's birth certificate, and thus had to go through second-parent adoption.
'Adoptions are recognized in every state and in most other countries in the world, even if same-sex marriage is not,' Nachlinger explains. 'If the Supreme Court decides to end the right to marry everywhere in the United States, these adoption judgments will be critical to protect families.'
Whether it's friends or family—or a combination of both—many parents interviewed said their community was essential to family life. Some parents have supportive parents and siblings who are involved in their children's lives, while others recounted friction with family members with different political or religious views, with a few saying family members had 'disowned' them for their sexuality.
Others shouted out their friends as key members of their parenting village. 'Our tribe, our village, our squad, whatever word you want to use. They swooped in immediately between dropping clothes off, dropping supplies off, the minute we got the call,' recounted a father. 'And that has brought a sense of gratitude that I had never felt before.'
Parents also mentioned finding community with same-sex parents online or in their city or state, as well as increasing their advocacy work to support LGBTQ+ children and families. 'Becoming a parent definitely shifted my focus and [made me] want to fight to make sure that we have our rights [so that] my daughter grows up in a world where she feels protected and seen and not different, shared one father.
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