Help! My Husband Just Screamed at a Group of Elderly People About Politics. I'm Sick of His Antics.

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Dear Prudence is Slate's advice column.
Dear Prudence,
My husband has sunk into anxiety and depression over the first few months of the Trump administration. He's constantly doomscrolling and uses words like 'Armageddon.' I obviously understand how bad things are in the world and despise that man, but I also feel like you have to live your life and still find some joy. I don't want to spend every moment discussing the latest awful news, especially when it's just the two in our backyard on a Friday night.
Things came to a head on a recent vacation. On our last night, we found a nice spot on the hotel porch to drink some wine and relax. There was a large group of elderly people near us who were obviously Trump supporters. They began to talk politics, so my husband and I got up to find a different spot and not listen to them. But then, as we walked past, he began screaming at them. I don't even know exactly what he said because I was pulling him away. It ruined our last night of vacation and, honestly, kind of scared me. The Trump supporters weren't bothered at all and were almost laughing. They'll probably turn it into a story to tell their friends. The whole thing was completely pointless. I don't want to be naive and act like everything in the world is normal, but I can't live in constant doom and gloom.
—Married to a Doomscroller
Dear Married to a Doomscroller,
It's worth getting really specific about what you're most upset about, because understanding that will shape the solution. So tell me, what's really bothering you? Are you upset about …
A) The intensity of your husband's negative feelings about the state of the country and the world? If so, I want to make the case that he has these feelings because he's a good person who cares about how others are doing. The current administration's policies mean a lot of people are doing really, really poorly, and there are indications that things could get worse for even more of us, in very serious and scary ways. I'm sure you've heard people say things like, 'If you've ever wondered what you would have done in 1930s Germany or during the Civil Rights Movement, congratulations: You're doing it now.' I would say, if you've ever wondered what you would be feeling, you're feeling it now.
There is an argument that it is healthy and appropriate to be very alarmed and distressed over the latest awful news and what it means for the people affected by it—and even that limiting the time you spend thinking about it to maintain a sense of inner peace is not an admirable choice. After all, I'd have a hard time looking at someone who'd had her baby ripped out of her arms and been deported without due process after showing up at a routine immigration appointment, or a kid who feared losing their only meal of the day due to proposed SNAP cuts, or a person in Zimbabwe who could no longer access their HIV medication and saying, 'It's so annoying how some people want to obsess over politics.'
That said, your husband can be passionate, and even obsessed, without sinking into negativity and despair. Activists, organizers, and elected officials who work doggedly to make things better for others have to pay attention to bad news and consistently say they don't let sadness and anger consume them—if they did, they wouldn't be able to function. For example, American lawyer, politician, and activist Stacey Abrams once said, 'I don't see myself as an optimist or a pessimist … I'm determined. And by that I mean I decide what my course should be. I figure out what is driving me, and then I just pursue it.' And American organizer and educator Mariame Kaba has said, 'Hope is a discipline,' explaining that she means, 'In the world we live in, it's easy to feel a sense of hopelessness, that everything is all bad all the time, that nothing is going to change ever, that people are evil and bad at the bottom. It feels sometimes that it's being proven in various different ways, so I really get that. I understand why people feel that way. I just choose differently. I choose to think a different way, and I choose to act in a different way.'
You might suggest to your husband that he identify people he admires who have spearheaded the kind of change he'd like to see. He should investigate what they've said about how they use their negative feelings about our reality to drive their work (rather than leading them to sink into depression or cuss out strangers).
B) The way he expresses his feelings is making you feel things that you don't want to feel? If this is the case, you may need to reevaluate whether you two are well-matched as a married couple at this moment. If your husband is inclined to be fully engaged with the alarming things he's witnessing and you're more worried about protecting the peace around your evening glass of wine, you may just have really different values. I don't think you'll be happy if you're having to talk about more negative topics when you're not in the mood. And I wouldn't want to ask him to be less open about how worried he is.
But the situation isn't hopeless. A way to smooth over this difference a bit could be for him to find some community—people he meets with in person to talk to, ideally in the context of taking action (attending a protest? Giving rides to people who are afraid to take public transportation because of ICE raids? Campaigning for a local candidate who he thinks could make a difference? Stocking a community fridge?) to help, even if it's the tiniest way, to push back against the things that are causing him distress. He'd feel some relief, and he'd have some time away from the house as well as an interested audience to listen to the things he needs to say. Meanwhile, you could meet up with friends and discuss 'Love Island.'
C) His inappropriate behavior? This part is easy to understand. It must be a sign of the times that I've mentioned in several recent letters, but it's worth saying again: We all know that you're really not supposed to go around screaming profanity at strangers and that doing so is unlikely to make you feel much better. I'll also repeat my advice that if someone is behaving erratically, it's worth exploring with a medical professional whether there might be an underlying physical or mental condition that is fueling the behavior and needs attention. When you pair the actions you describe with your belief that your husband has anxiety and depression, alarm bells go off for me, and I wonder if he could benefit from professional help with managing his moods. In the meantime, you might encourage him to redirect his yelling about how bad things are to protests and marches, where these things are welcomed, part of the plan, and a better use of his time and voice.
However you approach him about any of these issues, you should not reveal that your motivation is that he's bothering you. You shouldn't leave the impression that you don't care about these issues as much as he does, or that they don't deserve your time. Frame your message in terms of concern for his well-being. Tell him you want him to be his healthiest. Let him know that you want him to be as effective as possible at pushing against things that are (pretend you believe this) legitimately terrible, rage-inducing, and worth talking about a lot.
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Dear Prudence,
I have a developmentally disabled daughter who currently lives at a group home. My husband and I visit her regularly. But no one in my family is interested in asking about her, never mind visiting her. I am very hurt and bewildered at their behavior. I know people can feel uneasy about asking or being around disabled people, but I feel they just have to get past that and show her (and us) as little support as family. Is there anything I can do to remedy this?
—Hurt Mom
Dear Hurt Mom,
I want you to make a clear, explicit request for people to visit your daughter. Send a text to the family group chat, call people individually, do a Facebook post and tag everyone, or whatever works. Make sure to include all the information they might be missing about what visits mean to her, what they can expect when they show up, ideas for how to engage with her, and the answers to any questions you think they might have. The tone you want to strike is 'invitation' or maybe 'asking for a favor,' so don't think in terms of calling them out or shaming them, even if you think they might deserve that. If the issue is that they're feeling uneasy or unsure, this will do a lot to fix the problem.
This is your relatives' chance to demonstrate that they do care about your daughter and were simply caught up in their own uncertainty and awkwardness. But if they don't start showing up after they've received your message, try your best to move on. Don't waste any more time hoping they'll be more caring and more generous with their time. Take all the energy you've spent thinking about people who aren't there and redirect it to the people who are. How about working to try to deepen her relationships with her roommates, getting to know them and their parents, and inviting them to join you for meals and outings? That way, she'll have a solid, built-in network of people who care about her—and even consider her family—and won't have to worry about the absence of people whom, for whatever reason, have to be begged to show up.
My boyfriend once dated the girl next door—literally. 'Emma' played with him in the wading pool and dated him through high school and college. It is the biggest disappointment to everyone that the relationship didn't work out. Emma is constantly present at family events with her parents. Everyone loves her and has so many stories to tell about my boyfriend and her…