A tale of how mock sincerity was easily overcome

The Herald Scotland

2 days ago

'Let's not make a heavy night of it,' said one of the ladies. 'After the next drink, maybe we should just stick to mocktails.'
Her friend didn't look persuaded, and after a brief pause she said: 'How about we stick to mock mocktails?'
The first woman was clearly confused by the suggestion. She wrinkled her forehead and thought about this conundrum, before finally admitting: 'I've never heard of a mock mocktail.'
'Some people,' explained the pal, 'call it a cocktail.'
'Ah,' said her friend.
'I noticed,' reports Avril, 'that by the end of the evening they were very tipsy, indeed.'
Dead funny
Although the Diary is mostly a serious and hard-hitting commentary on the news, we occasionally stray into the arena of humour.
Reader John Mulholland has been musing about the business of being amusing.
'I wonder,' he says, 'do dead comedians who were really funny, made people laugh, and did a lot for comedy get post-humorous awards?'
George Crawford from West Kilbride isn't sure what the esteemed Victorian engineer, Isambard, would have thought of this Bristol restaurant's description of his texture… (Image: Contributed)
Getting the sack
Being a granddad often means putting up with shrieking kids.
Tim Thackeray was at his seven-year-old granddaughter's birthday party, and thankfully there wasn't too much shrieking… only screaming and yelling.
Also, lots of party balloons.
Tim turned to his wife and said: 'I don't get the point of balloons at a party. They're just plastic sacks filled with other people's breath.'
Jaws of despair
One of the horrors of getting old is your teeth decide to become unfaithful and abandon your gums.
And when they drop out, there's no point hiding them under your pillow and praying for a visit from the Tooth Fairy; she only dispenses the big bucks to kids.
Instead, you have to visit the dentist and his good friends, the pliers.
This is the situation Barry Davis found himself in when he got a terrible toothache.
'Does it look bad?' he whimpered to the dentist.
Trying to be gentle, the dentist replied: 'Put it like this. The Toothbrush of Damocles is hanging over your head.'
Picture this
The ageing process, continued.
'I've come to the conclusion that I have a memory like an Etch A Sketch,' says reader Grant Miller. 'I shake my head and everything's erased.'
Nicker nicked
Enraged Billy Wright gets in touch to berate the criminal class.
'To the person who stole my glasses,' he says, 'be warned, I'll find you… I have my contacts.'