How healthy is your sex life? Do our quiz to find out

Telegraph

16-03-2025

Sex and intimacy are often seen as the glue in a relationship, but what happens when things start feeling a little… unstuck? Whether you're in a decades-long partnership or navigating a newer connection, sex is rarely just about sex. It's about desire, communication, emotional connection, and – let's be honest – whether or not you're still actually paying attention to each other.
A recent survey confirms that sex is on the decline. Among 35-to-39-year-olds, nearly two in five (38 per cent) hadn't had sex in the past week, despite considering themselves sexually active – the highest percentage of any age group.
As the years go by, more people step away from intimacy altogether. Nearly one in five 40- to 44-year-olds report being completely celibate, and by the time they reach 74, that figure jumps to 57 per cent.
So, how's your sex life doing? Is it thriving, just about hanging in there, or has it packed a suitcase and left the building? We asked sex therapists Miranda Christophers, Cate Mackenzie and Susan Quilliam to share their insights into what makes or breaks bedroom chemistry and help us design a quiz to ascertain the health of your sex life and what to do to reignite the flame.
What's ruining your sex life?
From desire discrepancies to hidden resentments, from changing hormones to simply forgetting to pay attention to each other, these are many elements that can either fan the flames – or put them out entirely, says Quilliam, a relationship expert, author of 22 books on sex and relationships including a recently revised version of The Joy of Sex. 'If you're struggling, start rebuilding the foundations of the relationship,' says Quilliam. 'Most of our interactions in long-term relationships are either transactional, functional, or critical. We need to bring back unconditional giving, small acts of praise, and real attention if we are to start to build a good foundation for our sex life to thrive,' she says.
'One of the most common presentations I see, regardless of age, is a desire discrepancy – a mismatch in sexual desire,' says Christophers, a sex and relationship psychotherapist, co-founder and clinical director of The Therapy Yard. That doesn't mean that a relationship has to fail though says Mackenzie, an accredited sex and relationship therapist. 'Most relationships have a high-desire and a low-desire partner and it's about acknowledging that. It's not about making them equal, but about meeting each other's needs enough so resentment doesn't build,' she says.
But it's not just about mis-matched libidos, says Christophers. 'Bodies change, confidence changes, and while some people become more self-assured, others struggle with self-image and intimacy.' Add in perimenopause, menopause, hormones changes, career stress, and emotional baggage from the past, and suddenly, sex can start feeling like a distant memory, she says
Quilliam warns that emotional undercurrents and resentment can be one of the biggest passion-killers: 'If you're over 50 and you've been in a relationship for more than two years, there's going to be some anxiety and anger.' Maybe it's the small betrayals (being ignored, feeling underappreciated) or the big ones (infidelity, unresolved resentment). Either way, she says, 'Sex is one of the first things to disappear when there are underlying resentments at play and it can leave your relationship in need of a serious MOT. The good news is that there is so much you can do to tune up your relationship,' she says.