The 'father's mental load' and why men don't feel comfortable expressing it
The term "mental load" is commonly used to describe the responsibilities that women and mothers often bear for their families.
But what about the mental load fathers carry?
Haven Weits, 33, explored the topic in an episode of her podcast 'Haven!' with her friend Nick Mulenos, 35.
'Yes, we have things that we carry that the other partner may not carry,' he said on the May 5 episode. 'There's also an expectation among men that we handle our own stuff and we handle our own problems.'
The clip, which amassed more than 53,000 views on TikTok, prompted some controversy in the comment section about the father mental load, whether it exists and why men don't feel comfortable expressing it.
"Men use the same five chores as some sort of rebuttal to minimize their wives' work in the home while the majority of moms ALSO have a job," one Instagram user commented.
"What many women don't get is the constant stress and fear that men are under constantly," another user commented. "There is no room for failure because if I fail, we all fail."
There's no question fathers and men carry their own version of the mental load, said Dr. Mill Brown, chief medical officer at Spring Health, a mental health platform. And today's dads are more engaged and involved with their children than fathers in previous generations, research has shown. But societal pressure, a lack of male role models and a disregard for men's mental health have made it difficult for them to share their anxieties.
'Dads have been influenced by society to be tough, stoic, strong and hold these feelings in,' he said. 'Just because dads don't show their emotions as much as moms, doesn't mean that their feelings and stress do not exist in their family.'
While Haven's mental load typically consists of daily tasks, her husband tends to think big-picture.
Aaron Weits, 36, worries about long-term goals like where the family will live in five years, where the children will go to school and how to financially support those goals.
'It can be less tangible and sometimes because of that, it's harder to talk about,' he said.
He also bears the burden of how to keep the family safe where they live in Los Angeles. He remembers his father doing the same thing and automatically assumed that role when he had children.
'Even if I'm hovering at the mall, I'm always keeping an eye on everyone,' Aaron said. 'It's not something I share, but it's almost innate. It's just a natural expression as a dad.'
On top of household tasks and financial security, Mulenos said part of his mental load is how he can better support his wife and offload some of her mental stress. He also worries that expressing his mental load would inadvertently invalidate his wife's experiences and struggles.
'If they're bringing up 'Hey, I need help with what I'm carrying,' and your response is 'Look at what I'm carrying' – that can be invalidating,' he said. 'Even though that's not the intent, they don't want to push down what their wife is expressing to them.'
A new age of parenting has created various pressures and challenges for both moms and dads, mental health experts said. Both parents tend to worry about income stability, financial issues, job performance and keeping track of a busy family.
'Trying to be a modern parent comes with its own pressures, especially when compared to traditional societal expectations for the role,' Brown said.
Couples can share the parenting load by having a shared calendar, setting up regular family meetings to align on tasks and consistently sharing what responsibilities each partner is taking on, he said.
Date nights and one-on-one time have helped Haven and Aaron be more receptive to each other's needs when sharing the responsibilities for their family.
Though he wants more men to be able to effectively communicate their needs, Mulenos hopes both men and women can recognize the importance of understanding each other's mental load.
'What I want is for the conversation around the mental load – in general – to be continued and magnified,' he said. 'It's not that I want fathers to stay silent, I want them to be transparent with their feelings but I just want it to be seen as we're carrying our family forward.'
Adrianna Rodriguez can be reached at adrodriguez@usatoday.com.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Father's Day and what to know about the male 'mental load'
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