Labour's tack to the Right leaves Reform looking moderate

Telegraph

11-03-2025

After taxing us to Begorra and letting thugs out of jail, Labour has tacked to the Right with a list of policies that makes Reform look wet. Defence up, aid cut, foreigners deported and the return of flogging – every Thursday night at Angela's (note to Tory offenders, it's extra if you want her to wear the boots).
At justice questions, Labour MPs listed citizens they feel should be in jail, climaxing in Shabana Mahmood reassuring the House that 'there is always a prison place available to everyone'. It's a tempting offer. Beats Premier Inn.
Ms Mahmood would dearly love to arrest the Sentencing Council, which has insisted courts review the biographies of minorities before handing down sentences, prompting Labour's Jonathan Hinder to label the quango 'arrogant' and in violation of 'equality before the law'. Stealing Reform's clothes, he added: 'This Parliament is sovereign and we've given too much power away to these unelected bodies in recent years.'
The Yard's hotline
Nigel Farage was on the phone to Scotland Yard within minutes, reporting a theft. The Yard has set up a hotline: 'Press one if an MP disagrees with you, press two if they question your leadership…'
But here's the thing: Labour's war on woke is really an investigation into itself. Rob Jenrick climbed a stepladder to make this very point. Since taking Ozempic he's gotten smaller and smaller, like the incredible shrinking man, and will soon be jousting in the Chamber on the back of a mouse, armed with a pencil. Mahmood's department, he claimed, had 'supported the new two tier guidance' until its implications were pointed out. Now the minister is 'too lazy' to fix the problem.
Mahmood accused Rob of 'pretending to be the leader of the opposition', which is irrelevant but complimentary. Everything Kemi was elected to be – aggressive, precise – Rob actually is, while Kemi limits herself to giving academic speeches about Roland Barthes and the semiology of opposition.
To correct the impression that she has zero views, the Tories put out a tweet complaining that '48% of London's social housing is occupied by people who are foreign' – which makes one want to vote Tory even less. The more they rant about the mess we're in, the more we're reminded that they squatted in government for 14 years and left it uninhabitable.
What are British values?
As the main parties converge into endorsing populist policies we suspect they'll never implement, voices of discontent came from the new kids menacing the bloc. The Greens urged Mahmood to respect the independence of the Sentencing Committee; Ayoub Khan noted that the issue isn't ethnic minorities getting preferential treatment from judges but, in fact, receiving stiffer sentences than whites.
This injustice demands attention. But when the Sentencing Council states that we should consider the 'relevance' of a guilty man's ' culture or faith ' to his crime, one has to ask what they mean? Does the Council think said cultures inherently contradict British values? Or does it have a patronising view of individual free will?
Elsewhere, Nigel was getting a cup of tea and a kind word from a policewoman. 'Can you arrest Labour for nicking my policies?' he asked. No, sweetheart: 'But if they repeat any of this Right-wing filth on Twitter, we can have them locked up by lunchtime.'