#PresentDads: How to become a great father

News24

22-05-2025

Abroad, celeb winners for dad-of-the-year awards include the likes of Usher Raymond, who has primary custody of his two sons with ex-wife, Tameka. EGOT musician John Legend and football player Russell Wilson deserve a nod too.
Locally we've watched the Vuzu reality show Rap Dads as hip-hop stars Ma-E, L-Tido and Reason showcased their music and, most importantly, the active role they played in their kids' lives.
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Professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work and author of several books, Geoffrey Greif, says in an article titled Single Dads: Keeping the Relationship with Your Children, that men unconsciously treat their kids the way they were raised.
'If the father was brought up well, there aren't problems but if he was ignored by his own father, he may repeat that pattern too.'
TV and radio personality, DJ Sbu, agrees: 'I turned out better because of my stepdad. He came into my life when I was six years old and played the father-figure role. I saw from him what it took to be a great dad.'
The great thing is there are plenty more fathers setting an example of what it is to be a good dad. Social media is peppered with famous dads: Pro Verb, Hlomla Dandala and many others who show their love and attention to their children.
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Relationship and life coach Thembi Hama says positive fatherhood is, 'Being a present and supportive father.'
Be one.
Keep in touch
Media personality William Lehong has a daughter and says: 'Being part of Odwa's life was automatic. I saw that from my father. Even though him and my mom weren't together, he was very present. I'm doing that for my daughter too.'
He adds that fatherhood is understanding and being aware that you're responsible to your child. 'Kids look up to you for everything and if you aren't there, who will they learn from?'
Thembi's tips to keep in touch with your child include using Zoom, messaging platforms such as emails, text or WhatsApp.
'Regular visits are also important, depending on your schedule.'
Psychologist Amanda Fortes says, 'Be consistent and dependable. When you make time to see your child, stick to it. Just because the relationship with your ex has ended, doesn't mean you can't be the dad you've always wanted to be.'
Thembi advises you give your child the impression that you're reliable. In the midst of a busy work schedule, DJ Sbu strives to do everything with his daughter.
'We go to the zoo so she can have fun and learn at the same time. Other than that, it's the normal stuff of organising play dates or family visits,' he says.
READ MORE | 10 celebrity dads who proudly show off the love for their kids
Be active
Thembi proposes that single fathers 'maintain constant communication with the caretaker of their child. It could be the child's mother, nanny, relative or friend who can mediate between you and the mom should there be a communication breakdown. Find out how the child is doing and what they need'.
For school, the psychologist recommends that the father play a role in their education.
She says, 'Speak directly to the kid's teacher as most schools now give out their cellphone number and email addresses. Also, go to parent-teacher meetings to find out how your child's progressing.'
In the same article, Geoffrey suggests being present in your child's school extramural activities, sports games and practices as these signal to them that they have your support.
He writes, 'Your presence sends the message to the child that despite your busy schedule, they're still a priority.'
William adds: 'Odwa doesn't stay with me but I see her often. The cool thing about today's world is technology, so we're always on the phone chatting. Every morning she wakes up with a text from me wishing her a great day.'
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Another psychologist Dr Sam Buser says: 'The family meal at your place allows more opportunity to converse and find out what's going on in your child's life.'
He also suggests going away during school holidays as this is one of the best ways to bond and show that you love them very much. William echoes the same thing: 'Every week Odwa and I watch a movie together – that's one of our rituals.'
Hama adds that simple things like taking your child for an outing, regular calls to check up on them and being present in times of difficulty, reading for and with them, shopping or taking them for a haircut, means a lot.
Amanda adds: 'Being proactive in a child's life means ensuring you've built a solid, open and consistent relationship. This foundation will open the forum for open communication and being able to see how your child is. It's impossible without this foundation to be proactive.'
Get back to dating
When it comes to dating, relationship expert Paula Quinsee advises that you take time for yourself and reflect on your previous relationship before you start dating.
'See why it didn't work out and how those lessons can improve your next relationship. Revealing your child should be in the beginning of a new relationship.
'You need honesty and openness from the start. The sooner it is for you to reveal that you're divorced and have children, the better.
William adds, 'Everyone that comes into my life knows that I have a daughter, it's no secret. I've put her up on Instagram. I'm a father first before being anyone's significant other, and everyone that comes into my life knows that.'
READ MORE | 7 reasons why men like dating single mothers
Also, talk to your kids about dating, Paula recommends. 'The relationship should be secure so that the kids know that you have a life without making them feel neglected.'
She adds that when you're ready, 'Start thinking of introducing the new partner to the kids. This should be done in a neutral environment – a restaurant for lunch or coffee. It shouldn't be at your house as the kids will feel cornered and threatened. Being in social or family activities, eg. at a braai, makes both parties feel safe. That way, the kids won't feel threatened by the new partner and vice versa.'
When introducing your ex to your new partner, Paula suggests that 'you create a cohesive environment, whether the new partner likes it or not, the ex will always be part of your life. There'll always be a third party. You should have an amicable relationship with the mother where she too is made to feel secure that the new woman isn't trying to replace her to her child.
'More so that the new woman is a place of safety and if the child is in need of anything, she's there for the child. When the mother sees the new woman is not a threat, then the new couple will feel at ease.'
Fatherhood is nothing conscience or a decision you make, it's organic because once you're a parent you just fall in love with a beautiful being that comes into your life.
'I've grown more patient since having Waratwa, and learnt so much about unconditional love,' says DJ Sbu.