She got into 5 colleges with mom's help. Now, who decides?

USA Today

a day ago

Tense and uncomfortable conversations can arise when parents dominate the discussion of where their kid goes to college.
From Gayatri Patil's point of view, it wasn't an option for her daughter to attend college outside Arizona.
The teenager, Mikiha Gadagkar, 17, had a different idea.
Gadagkar spent her teenage years in Phoenix earning a 4.0 grade point average and loaded up on extracurricular activities, including speech, debate and photography. She wanted to make herself attractive for highly ranked economics and political science college programs – both near and far from home.
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The hard work paid off when she got into five schools, including Arizona State and the University of Virginia.
And so began the tense conversation that rattles so many American households after the initial celebration of college acceptance letters: Who decides which college the student will attend?
Get ready for frustration and emotional blackmail.
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Gadagkar told her mom she wanted to attend a college near Washington D.C. She wanted a"change of pace" and a new environment with opportunities to attend law school.
But Arizona State University was still her mother's top choice.
"I want her to stay close," she said. "I tried emotionally blackmailing her, saying 'I'll give you home cooked food, drive you and do your laundry' during the time of her acceptances."
The family's discussions illuminate the tense and uncomfortable conversations that can arise when parents want a say in where their kids go to college.
'Sometimes it's a bad ending'
The Arizona family's story is one Matthew Riley's heard before. Often, wealthy parents pay Riley, a director and senior admissions consultant at Ivy Academic Prep, to help guide their kids when applying for college.
They come from two types of families: One set of parents allows their kids to take the lead on where they attend college. Those families are better at acknowledging that it is the student's life and ultimately their decision, he said.
The other type is more strict. They are "controlling helicopter types" who tell their children they must apply to a certain college or pursue a certain degree, he said.
"They usually say 'You will study computer science and will apply to five or 10 schools," he said. "Those are always rough to see. Sometimes students say 'Ok, my parents understand me' and sometimes it's a bad ending.' It can get ugly."
Sometimes those disagreements are harmful to a young person's well being, he said.
He recalled a case from last year.
The student wanted to to get a degree in business or political science at George Washington University or American University, but his parents insisted he attend a university with a prominent tech program, he said.
"He was passionate about government and interned with the state representative in his home state." he said. "But his parents said 'No, we're computer scientists and programmers who work for a big corporation, and you will do the same.'"
That student succumbed to his parent's wishes.
But during his first year, he "felt out of control" and experienced anxiety and depression, Riley said.
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Parents who work in technology, engineering or medical fields are more likely to want to pressure their kids into a certain school "in hopes for them to follow in their footsteps," he said.
"The parents are affluent, both are professionals, both are educated and they control the finances," he said.
Who should decide?
Traci Lowenthal, a licensed clinical psychologist, helps guide families through conversations about college.
"There's a fine line between having these thoughtful and open conversations and creating pressure," she said.
Creating realistic expectations and timing is important to avoid putting feelings of pressure on a child, she said.
They should discuss whether a family can afford college and if the young person will have to fund school themselves with loans. And they should decide together whether a student can live with independence across the country or if they are better suited staying near home.
Often, parents and students open up about their real feelings about college after it's too late and the student has been shoehorned into a school that's not right for them, Lowenthal said. Or parents reveal uncomfortable financial realities after a student has set their sights on a school they can't afford.
That can cause a rift. But they can be avoided.
Families should discuss college options during a high schooler's freshman and sophomore years when "tensions aren't already high," Lowenthal said. Earlier conversations offer young people a head's-up about their options, family finances and parental expectations − before they start applying to schools.
It can help to alleviate potential feelings of disappointment or betrayal.
"Sometimes I see a student get into an amazing school and there's literally no way they can go," she said. "So in the midst of getting rejections and acceptances, the parent tells them they can't go and the student asks: How come you kept this from me?"
She encourages students to do their own research to share with their parents.
"It's tough. Because if your parent is like 'You have to go to my alma mater or this prestigious school,' the student has to find a way to be really honest about that and say, 'I know this is a great school, but I think this would be a better fit," she said.
Lowenthal advises parents to consider the needs and desires of their child ahead of their own.
"It's really hard to not want them to do what they want you to do," she said. "But this is a unique individual and not an extension of us as people."
One of the arguments Gadagkar used in trying to win her mom over to the University of Virginia was telling her how high school counselors had shown which programs might best align with her career ambitions.
After learning she had guidance from other adults, Patil decided to hear her daughter out.
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"My mom really let me take the lead in those conversations," Gadagkar said. "It was more of me saying, kind of, how I felt and her giving her thoughts on those. I'm really grateful for that because it made it a lot less stressful."
But Patil was still not fully convinced Virginia was the right option.
"I studied in India, so the process here was very new to me," she said.
Mom: 'I think we are happy with this decision'
Gadagkar ultimately decided to attend her mother's first pick, Arizona State University, two hours from home.
The teen received a scholarship that made ASU more affordable than the University of Virginia. And she'll be able to pursue economics and political science while honoring her mother's wishes. But she still thinks about what moving to Virginia would have been like.
"It's definitely a change of pace since this entire year I had developed a mindset that I was going out of state," she said. "This is not what I necessarily expected. But after attending orientation, I'm feeling good."
Patil, her mother, is elated Mikiha will be nearby. But she said she had warmed to the idea of sending Mikiha to the East Coast − if the option had been affordable.
"I think we are happy with this decision," Patil said.
Contact Kayla Jimenez at [e-mail]. Follow her on X at @kaylajjimenez.