Phantom cigarette puffer of Merrion Street prompts chortles in Dáil

Irish Times

a day ago

What was that thing
Gerry Adams
said about informers in those slithery years before his beatification?
Ah yes.
'The consequence for informing is death.'
Thankfully, times are much different now. There are other ways of putting manners on people.
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But still, a worried
Micheál Martin
– no sainted stalwart of the republican struggle – will be watching his back in coming days and weeks.
Because nobody likes a political snitch either. (That's not strictly true. Some of us love them.)
And after what the Taoiseach said in the
Dáil
chamber on Wednesday afternoon, we hear one of his own Ministers is out to kill him.
But who? And why?
It all kicked off with a very worthy contribution from
Fianna Fáil
's
Malcolm Byrne
during questions on policy.
Deputy Byrne reminded Micheál that the previous government agreed to introduce further laws regulating nicotine-inhaling products such as vapes, including restrictions on advertising, colours, flavours and imagery. The commitment is also in the programme for government. Any sign of this Bill?
'This is a public-health emergency,' said Malcolm, pointing to a recent survey of young people in Northern Ireland that found that 76 per cent of respondents had never smoked a cigarette before they started using vapes.
He finished with a suggestion for the Taoiseach.
In line with the example set by public institutions such as universities and the like 'maybe yourself and the Ceann Comhairle might agree that Leinster House would become a tobacco-free campus'.
Steady on, Malcolm. Many of your colleagues are living on their nerves as it is. Some of the most senior TDs and senators, from across the political spectrum, are sneaky smokers.
But Malcolm was pushing an open door here. Micheál is rightly proud of his record in this area. When he was minister for health back in 2004 he introduced the world's first statewide smoking ban, a landmark piece of public-health legislation.
Don't get him going on the subject of the ciggies.
Too late.
Well, Malcolm. Now that you say it...
A delighted-looking Micheál turned around to spill the beans to his deputy for Wicklow-Wexford.
'I spotted an errant Minister yesterday as I looked out a window, who had assured me that he had given up cigarettes and cigarette smoking,' he grinned, almost hugging himself with glee.
'Eh, he was caught red-handed as I looked out the window, but anyway, heh-heh...'
Red-handed, no less.
Oh, but he was only thrilled, slapping his hands flat against his two jacket pockets as if proclaiming to the world that you'll never, ever, find a packet of fags in either one of them.
'Pressure of the job, Taoiseach,' interjected the kindly Ceann Comhairle, in mitigation of the unknown Minister.
'But it was a funny moment, ha-ha-ha,' chortled Micheál, still cracking up at the thought of it.
'Pressure of the job, heh-heh, yeah...'
Somewhere on the campus, a certain Minister's ears must have been burning like yesterday's surreptitious ciggie.
As for Malcolm's question, the Taoiseach said Minister of State Mary Butler was making progress on the legislation, which has 'some European dimension to it' but the Government is anxious to get it done as quickly as possible. But for now, he couldn't give a timeline for the Bill.
As for making Leinster House a no-smoking campus, that is a matter for the Houses of the Oireachtas commission to examine. He urged those TDs and senators who still smoke to give it up.
Needless to say, speculation immediately turned to the phantom puffer of Merrion Street.
Who could it be?
Obviously, it couldn't be a female minister because the one the Taoiseach 'caught red-handed' was a 'he'.
Although that doesn't help much because a mere three women are senior Ministers. That only leaves 11 suspects as Micheál was clearly referring to a Cabinet member.
One Minister was immediately in the frame.
He likes to step out of his office on occasion and take the air on the North Road, which runs along Government Buildings on the Leinster House side.
This has always been the place where the Ministers who don't smoke smoke and where the famous glass 'Bridge of Sighs' runs overhead, connecting both buildings.
We contacted
Darragh O'Brien
, who immediately denied the charge. His daughter would kill him if she knew he was out smoking on the sly.
'So would his wife,' said a well-placed informant.
Luckily for him, the Taoiseach said he was looking out the window when he caught the ministerial puffer in the act. Micheál cannot see the North Road from his window.
There is only one other senior Minister with an office near him and that is the non-smoking Tánaiste and Minister for Foreign Affairs,
Simon Harris
, who occupies the suite below.
Simon would have had to be hanging out his window at an extremely dangerous angle with a ciggie dangling from his fingers for the Taoiseach to catch a glimpse.
But wait.
Micheál can see the courtyard of Government Buildings from his eyrie. And, on the day in question (Tuesday), both Minister for Public Expenditure Jack Chambers and Minister for Housing James Browne were in that same courtyard for media briefings.
It is highly unlikely that Jack, a medical doctor among other things, would have been smoking unless he was trying to look edgy.
As for James Browne. He too is a non-smoker. Or at least he was a non-smoker until Micheál gave him the housing hospital pass and now he's on 60 Major a day and eating nicotine pouches for breakfast.
Patrick O'Donovan? He smokes all right, but it only comes out of his ears when he talks to arty folk and people from RTÉ.
Jim O'Callaghan? He may be an SC, but his Silk Cut is that of the senior counsel.
Martin Heydon? No. Dara Calleary? No. James Lawless? No.
What about Paschal Donohoe?
'When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth' said Sherlock Holmes.
Except when it comes to Paschal – I keep my youthful dimples by not smoking, thank you very much – Donohoe.
Let us look again at a crucial line from Micheál's Dáil bombshell. 'I spotted an errant Minister as I looked out a window...'
Notice he said was looking out 'a window' not 'his' window or 'my' window.
Because – and we now know this for a fact – he was not in his office when the sighting of the Minister occurred.
Because the Taoiseach was, in fact, on the Bridge of Sighs!
Not only that, my friends, but he was crossing the Bridge of Sighs with a large entourage, including a delegation from the Cork Chamber of Commerce who were up in the big schmoke for dinner with the Taoiseach when they saw a Minister who likes to take the air on the North Road down below them having a big schmoke.
Not only that, but several witnesses will confirm that Micheál banged on the window when he saw this politician out on the North Road dragging away.
'He startled him mid-puff,' said one.
'He wagged his finger at him as well,' said another.
We are not sure if a finger was raised in reply. That wouldn't be the Malahide way.
Darragh O'Brien is going to have to kill Micheál now. Or at least put manners on him, the way St Gerry did with the BBC.
Otherwise his daughter is going to have his guts for garters and the missus will absolutely burst him.
That's if it was Darragh O'Brien, who is still saying it definitely was not him. Because he has definitely given up the ciggies. And that's what he definitely told Micheál.
Justice for the Mallyer One.
Please let there be a court case.