The words I wish I could say to my 17-year-old closeted self
Dear Younger Me,
I wish you could stop worrying. You are 17. Please stop. It makes me anxious to think of the panic attacks that lie ahead for you. The fear you are bottling up inside, the put-downs and name-calls that await you, the challenges you will face.
OK, let's move forward.
Daniel, I have some good and bad news. Here goes …
I hate to break it to you, but you are 38 years old and not married. Breathe. The good news, however, is that you can actually get married. Yay! It's not illegal – at least not for you living in the UK. (You could even do it in a church … If you wanted to. You don't. But rejoice in that fact.) And …breathe.
There's still hope that you will marry. I mean, you are currently on five separate dating apps and averaging around three dates a week. OK, four. You'll learn what dating apps are in a few years' time and you'll have a love/hate relationship with them.
They will also use up a lot of your screen time – you'll learn about screen time soon, too. However, 64 countries across the globe still claim being queer to be illegal and it can even be met with the death penalty. And it's 2025. Yeah, we still have a pretty long way to go. Though, as people chant every June, who needs Pride, right?
Oh, and we're using the word 'queer' again. It's not an insult anymore. I know you won't understand that after the word was weaponised against you at school, beaten around your face and thrown at you like dirt … But we've reclaimed it and it's kind of empowering.
With thousands of members from all over the world, our vibrant LGBTQ+ WhatsApp channel is a hub for all the latest news and important issues that face the LGBTQ+ community.
Simply click on this link, select 'Join Chat' and you're in! Don't forget to turn on notifications!
Breathe.
Some things never change.
You do not like fish. No number of ex-boyfriends (you've had a few) attempting to make you try tuna or black cod because 'it's not that fishy' has altered this. You still hate anything from the sea or pond and have to defend this statement constantly. Ducks being included in this is still a struggle for some to see, but I'm with you, it's wrong. Wet bellies and beaks … yuck!
Your anxiety around sex and STIs and infections has wavered, but it's still present. You have not got over this yet. However, an incredible new drug, PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis), is making this transition easier for you and millions of people, which prevents you catching HIV.
I'll let that statement soak in for a minute.
Back? OK, here's the bad part: you aren't on PrEP. Yes, I'm angry at us too. You are currently worried about the damage it could do to your kidneys. Yes, we still research on forums a lot, but now it's called 'googling'. (You'll learn about Google soon, and overuse it too.) You do want to start taking PrEP, not for the rubber-free sex, but for the peace of mind and extra barrier against HIV.
We're working on it, though, getting closer. There's still a stigma attached to HIV/AIDS, but you're doing your part to break this. I'm proud of you. We still have much to learn and a long way to go. There is no known cure, yet.
Breathe.
You haven't had a nose job and you hate the lines around your eyes that have developed with age (stress and laughter), but you haven't had Botox … yet. You laugh a lot, though. Like, loads. And so perhaps those lines tell your story. But your book isn't finished, yet. Your mum divorced him.
Breathe.
So, you will all be safe and OK in the end. Hang in there, I know you're finding these years incredibly hard. Unfortunately, it's going to get tougher before it gets easier, but you will be OK.
You will all be OK.
You're nearly 18 and about to come out to the world. You hate the thought of it; sick to the stomach, you're crying a lot at night. Quietly. Alone. But your dad isn't going to disown you. I repeat, he isn't going to stop loving you, Daniel.
It won't be easy, but believe me when I say this, you're actually going to be one of the lucky ones. Many will have a tougher battle ahead of them.
Thrown out or abandoned.
Breathe.
You will not end your life. It won't end your life. You will become more comfortable in yourself.
Queer.
In fact, not long ago, before writing this, you went on national TV and spoke about being gay to millions of viewers on mainstream television. You are using your voice to help others (you hope) and I'm proud of you. You wrote a bloody book about it.
You no longer hate yourself.
Breathe.
You are a work in progress. Love is a strong word, but you're getting there. You often wonder if that's why you're still single. Yes, you are still single. However, you've loved and been loved. You've had some great boyfriends and some questionable ones.
You'll come to learn that being broken down or made to feel smaller than you are, will be a 'them' thing, and not your fault. Breaking free will never feel so good. The good ones will come, even if fleeting – in fact, you'll meet a man soon who will change your life. Enjoy it. I'm jealous of you going through that – I want to do it all over again. But you will love and learn. It's all valuable.
Stop looking back. Please look forward, it really does race by. Give that neck a break!
I want you to know that you're going to be a best man at least four times – I know that's surprising to you right now, especially when you're unsure if you have many friends. You were never the pick of the team. I know sometimes after PE lessons, you wait until everyone's gone from the changing room and finally get dressed, wiping away tears, worrying about if you'll find anyone remotely like you.
But my gosh, do you! You have incredible friends, boys and girls and thems (more on that soon) – who are now men and women and theys – and you have other people around you from the community that you love and are learning so much from. My gosh, there's lots to learn. You've come a long way from the little chubby kid who used to lie to his parents about his friendships… You've grown, you've found them.
Breathe.
You can get Letters to My Younger Queer Self: Inspiring, influential voices from the LGBTQIA+ community here .
Make time to travel constantly – alone and with your best friend – because your adventures together will feature in books to come. You'll finish off each other's sentences and exchange looks about memories that you share. (Yes, you did sleep together, once – but you'll come to learn that a lot of friendships form this way in the community – and this was/is a special one.)
There are plenty of things that I don't want to tell you. You'll experience them, make mistakes and learn from these. But live in each moment, especially in New York when everyone else goes to bed and you get back up, change and head to a bar someone recommended to you. Please know that you are actually incredibly brave, Daniel. Yes, you still hate compliments but those times will hold great memories in the future. You have a future.
Breathe.
Also, I have to tell you, you grew into your voice and you found your comfort but have a long road ahead. Sometimes an exhausting uphill struggle. Save energy for it. But please stop hating yourself. Learn to love. Embrace your gay. More Trending
Enjoy each moment because with every second you do, you are becoming the man you never thought you'd be able to be.
Be kind. Forgive. Love.
I love you.
Yours, Daniel x
Do you have a story you'd like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
Share your views in the comments below.
MORE: Incredible binge-worthy LGBT+ shows guaranteed to send your heart soaring
MORE: I live in a mouldy flat because other landlords won't accept me
MORE: Like JoJo Siwa, I dated a man after women — we're not 'fake lesbians'
Your free newsletter guide to the best London has on offer, from drinks deals to restaurant reviews.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Reuters
9 hours ago
- Reuters
Tens of thousands march in Romania demanding LGBTQ equality
BUCHAREST, June 7 (Reuters) - Tens of thousands of Romanians joined an LGBTQ Pride march in Bucharest on Saturday, demanding civil union partnership legislation and equal rights after a highly-contested presidential election last month buoyed the far right. The European Union state has so far ignored a 2023 ruling by the European Court of Human Rights, which found Romania had failed to enforce the rights of same-sex couples by refusing to recognise their relationships. Socially conservative Romania decriminalised homosexuality in 2001, decades later than other parts of the EU, but still bars marriage and civil partnerships for same-sex couples. "We want legal protection for same-sex couples, an easy legal procedure for transitioning, protection against hate speech and prejudice-based crimes," said Teodora Roseti, president of Romanian LGBTQ rights organisation ACCEPT and Pride's organiser. In Bucharest, marchers danced and carried the rainbow flag 20 years after the first Pride parade was held, carrying banners such as "Love is the worst feeling you could hate", "Equality in love, equality in inheritance. Civil partnership for all". Roughly 30,000 people attended the parade, ACCEPT estimated. The march comes at a fraught moment in Central and Eastern Europe, where far right parties have gained ground. Poles held a similar parade on Saturday. Hours before the Romanian march, a smaller anti-Pride protest took place, with participants demanding an Orthodox Christian nation and waving flags carrying the Celtic cross, a known far-right symbol. In Romania, centrist Bucharest mayor Nicusor Dan ultimately won the presidential election against hard-right opposition leader George Simion, a strong opponent of LGBTQ rights. ACCEPT and LGBTQ rights group Mozaiq warned of a rise in hate speech against the community during the election campaign, and their headquarters were defaced. In neighbouring Hungary, parliament passed legislation earlier this year that de facto bans holding Pride marches.
Reuters
9 hours ago
- Reuters
Poles march for LGBTQ+ equality after presidential vote raises fears
GDANSK, Poland, June 7 (Reuters) - Thousands of Poles took part in a Pride march in the northern port city of Gdansk on Saturday, showing their support for the LGBTQ+ community amid fears for its future after nationalist candidate Karol Nawrocki won a presidential election. Participants waved rainbow flags and the blue, pink, and white banners representing the transgender community. Many carried placards bearing messages such as "Love is love" and "12 years together - when civil partnership?". A parallel Pride event was also held in the western city of Wroclaw. Nawrocki, supported by the conservative Law and Justice (PiS) party, has raised alarm among LGBTQ+ advocates. During its time in power from 2015 to 2023, PiS made opposition to what it termed "LGBTQ+ ideology" a central part of its platform, framing it as a threat to traditional values in the predominantly Catholic country. "I was devastated to be honest," 23-year-old student Agata said when asked about Nawrocki's victory. "I am scared. I don't know what our future looks like." Although LGBTQ+ issues were less prominent in Nawrocki's campaign than in that of his PiS-backed predecessor Andrzej Duda in 2020, his platform included commitments to resist "ideology in schools" and to oppose adoption by same-sex couples. He has stated that marriage should remain between a man and a woman and, while rejecting civil partnerships, expressed a willingness to discuss legal recognition for a "close person", regardless of sexual orientation. In contrast, a pro-European coalition that came to power in 2023 introduced a draft bill to legalise civil partnerships. However, with the presidency holding veto power, the bill's future remains uncertain. Agata said that she hoped a law on civil partnerships could come into effect, but that it was unlikely during Nawrocki's presidency. "I want more equality in our society, in our country," she said.
The Independent
16 hours ago
- The Independent
As a generation of gay and lesbian people ages, memories of worse — and better — times swirl
David Perry recalls being young and gay in 1980s Washington D.C. and having 'an absolute blast.' He was fresh out of college, raised in Richmond, Virginia, and had long viewed the nation's capital as 'the big city' where he could finally embrace his true self. He came out of the closet here, got a job at the National Endowment for the Arts where his boss was a gay Republican, and 'lost my virginity in D.C. on August 27, 1980,' he says, chuckling. The bars and clubs were packed with gay men and women — Republican and Democrat — and almost all of them deep in the closet. 'There were a lot of gay men in D.C., and they all seemed to work for the White House or members of Congress. It was kind of a joke. This was pre-Internet, pre-Facebook, pre-all of that. So people could be kind of on the down-low. You would run into congresspeople at the bar,' Perry says. 'The closet was pretty transparent. It's just that no one talked about it.' He also remembers a billboard near the Dupont Circle Metro station with a counter ticking off the total number of of AIDS deaths in the District of Columbia. 'I remember when the number was three,' says Perry, 63. Now Perry, a public relations professional in San Francisco, is part of a generation that can find itself overshadowed amidst the after-parties and DJ sets of World Pride, which wraps up this weekend with a two-day block party on Pennsylvania Avenue. Advocates warn of a quiet crisis among retirement-age LGBTQ+ people and a community at risk of becoming marginalized inside their own community. 'It's really easy for Pride to be about young people and parties,' says Sophie Fisher, LGBTQ program coordinator for Seabury Resources for Aging, a company that runs queer-friendly retirement homes and assisted-living facilities and which organized a pair of Silver Pride events last month for LGBTQ+ people over age 55. These were 'the first people through the wall' in the battle for gay rights and protections, Fisher says. Now, 'they kind of get swept under the rug.' Loneliness and isolation The challenges and obstacles for elderly LGBTQ+ people can be daunting. 'We're a society that really values youth as is. When you throw in LGBTQ on top of that, it's a double whammy,' says Christina Da Costa of the group SAGE — Services and Advocacy for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Elders. 'When you combine so many factors, you have a population that's a lot less likely to thrive than their younger brethren.' Older LGBTQ+ people are far more likely to have no contact with their family and less likely to have children to help care for them, Da Costa says. Gay men over 60 are the precise generation that saw their peer group decimated by AIDS. The result: chronic loneliness and isolation. 'As you age, it becomes difficult to find your peer group because you don't go out to bars anymore,' says Yvonne Smith, a 73-year-old D.C. resident who moved to Washington at age 14. 'There are people isolated and alone out there.' These seniors are also often poorer than their younger brethren. Many were kicked out of the house the moment they came out of the closet, and being openly queer or nonbinary could make you unemployable or vulnerable to firing deep into the 1990s. 'You didn't want to be coming out of a gay bar, see one of your co-workers or one of your students,' Smith says. ' People were afraid that if it was known you were gay, they would lose their security clearance or not be hired at all.' In April, founders cut the ribbon on Mary's House, a new 15-unit living facility for LGBTQ+ seniors in southeast Washington. These kind of inclusive senior-care centers are becoming an increasing priority for LGBTQ+ elders. Rayceen Pendarvis, a D.C. queer icon, performer and presenter, says older community members who enter retirement homes or assisted-living centers can face social isolation or hostility from judgmental residents. 'As we age, we lose our peers. We lose our loved ones and some of us no longer have the ability to maintain our homes,' says Pendarvis, who identifies as 'two-spirit' and eschews all pronouns. 'Sometimes they go in, and they go back into the closet. It's very painful for some.' A generation gap Perry and others see a clear divide between their generation and the younger LGBTQ+ crowd. Younger people, Perry says, drink and smoke a lot less and do much less bar-hopping in the dating-app age. Others can't help but gripe a bit about how these youngsters don't know how good they have it. 'They take all these protections for granted,' Smith says. The younger generation 'got comfortable,' Pendarvis says, and sometimes doesn't fully understand the multigenerational fight that came before. 'We had to fight to get the rights that we have today,' Pendarvis said. 'We fought for a place at the table. We CREATED the table!' Now that fight is on again as President Donald Trump's administration sets the community on edge with an open culture war targeting trans protections and drag shows, and enforcing a binary view of gender identity. The struggle against that campaign may be complicated by a quiet reality inside the LGBTQ+ community: These issues remain a topic of controversy among some LGBTQ+ seniors. Perry said he has observed that some older lesbians remain leery of trans women; likewise, he said, some older gay men are leery of the drag-queen phenomenon. 'There is a good deal of generational sensitivity that needs to be practiced by our older gay brethren,' he says. 'The gender fluidity that has come about in the last 15 years, I would be lying if I said I didn't have to adjust my understanding of it sometimes.' Despite the internal complexities, many are hoping to see a renewed sense of militancy and street politics in the younger LGBTQ+ generation. Sunday's rally and March for Freedom, starting at the Lincoln Memorial, is expected to be particularly defiant given the 2025 context. 'I think we're going to see a whole new era of activism,' Perry says. 'I think we will find our spine and our walking shoes – maybe orthopedic – and protest again. But I really hope that the younger generation helps us pick up this torch.'
