God-Guided BDSM: My Journey As A Christian Dom
I started praying to the Holy Spirit to guide my sessions.
Holy Spirit, come guide me, shine your light, and show me how to help this individual have a healthier, fulfilling relationship with their sexuality and with spirit.
I quickly saw that God was not separate from our sexuality or erotic desires. God was present in the desires. I saw how God could work through kink to bring out the hidden, shamed parts of a person's psyche that had never felt seen or loved before. Once these parts felt loved and liberated, their lives would begin to open up in miraculous ways.
Professionally, I now openly represent myself as a Christian dominatrix who uses Christian rituals to heal the connection between sexuality and spirit. My clients often come to me because I work specifically with the deconditioning of the religious wound that has caused harmful beliefs around their sexuality. I encourage my patrons to put those suppressed desires before God. Out of the shadow of shame, they are no longer 'wicked' or 'evil'― they are holy.
Tiptoeing my way back into Christianity has been a delicate process, and at times, I've had to sit with a massive inner conflict: Why am I choosing to return to a religion that stigmatizes the very thing I am trying to liberate?
Fortunately, I've landed in some Christian circles that encourage having the 'tough' conversations about Christianity. But I'll admit, it's an ongoing struggle to openly and honestly represent myself, my profession and my beliefs. My partner and I have experienced judgment and discrimination for living together outside of marriage, so I can only imagine what the reaction would be to discovering that I'm a dominatrix for a living.
At church, when I am asked what I do for work, my heartbeat starts to race. I usually stutter something like, 'I'm a relationship coach,' and then shift the conversation to something else as quickly as I can.
When I have mustered up the courage to tell a few open-minded Christians about being a dominatrix and why I do it, I've been able to have beautiful, meaningful conversations. I've seen it open people up to be honest about the shame and guilt they've been carrying about their sexuality, and the ongoing struggle of feeling they have to choose between their faith and their authentic sexual expression.
Most modern Christian churches shame and suppress sexuality, discriminating against the LGBT+ community, sex workers and anyone choosing to engage in sexual activity outside of marriage. These are toxic and outdated beliefs, and they need to go. But when I go back to the tried and true teachings of Jesus, I am able to look past the harmful parts to how incredible Jesus actually was. He spoke out against oppressive systems and called out spiritual leaders on the rigid religious laws that were making God inaccessible to all people.
In the Bible, there are multiple accounts of Jesus welcoming, spending time with and performing miracles for prostitutes and adulterers, the 'sexually immoral' people in society at that time. Jesus never cast anyone out, and he never denied anyone the miracles, signs and wonders that flowed through him; he wanted everyone to have a personal relationship with God, free from the constraints of organized religion.
So even though many Christians would view me as 'sinful' and even undeserving of a relationship with God, I reject that view, because I know Jesus loves me and wants the best for my life.
And if a 'dirty' dominatrix like me is worthy of miracles, then I believe a meaningful relationship with God is available to everyone who wants it.
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