I don't feel NRE (new relationship energy)

Boston Globe

21-03-2025

I did the work over the last year. I'm definitely in a better place than I was before.
I met a woman I was interested in and we started dating.
And this time, everything just feels … different? And I'm not sure if it's in a good way or a bad way. Or just a different way.
Previously when I fell for someone, I fell
hard
. The feelings were intense and often obsessive. I thought about the person all the time. The 'new relationship energy (NRE)' was strong, hot, and compelling. But this time, its less like Old Faithful and more like a pleasantly warm bath.
Let me be clear: She is easily the hottest woman I've ever dated. Smart, an athlete, a sexy job — the works. This is
definitely
not a problem of attraction.
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But the lack of intense NRE is throwing me off. Is this warm-feeling excitement normal? It feels like I skipped right over the emotional honeymoon phase. Which is not bad, just weird for me.
Related
:
There are a few other factors that might be at play: As a culture, generally, marriage and relationships can be more practical than emotional here. Young people try to give love relationships a try, and then sometimes marry for practicality. It's much more about alignment of values and personal goals. Indeed, that was basically her entire reason she asked me to go steady: 'We envision similar futures for ourselves and we get along really well.' After we'd been dating for a month, she asked me to move in.
Which leads to the second potential factor: She discovered her sexuality late in life, and has experience with flings but not serious relationships. So when she asked me to move in, I had to be the one to explain the typical North-American dating 'timeline' — how long until people move in, marry, meet families, etc. Despite her being more than five years older, when it comes to navigating healthy emotional relationship practices, I am definitely the partner driving the bus. And to be fair, there's probably a lot of me projecting Anglo-European relationship expectations onto this relationship.
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I love spending time with her. The sex is great, we make each other laugh, we enjoy going out and doing all sorts of activities together, and she's right: We do have similar visions for our future.
But it just feels different than my previous relationships. Is it normal to not feel obsessive or compelled to be together? Is this the *actual* normal, and all my previous relationships were driven by unhealthy emotional dynamics?
SMITTEN (AND OVERTHINKING IT??)
A.
There is no 'actual normal' that applies to all relationships.
But sure, the feeling of being
in love
might feel different as you work on yourself. Drama can feel exciting. If your new relationship is stable and happy, it might seem less intense and special. But that's not necessarily the case.
Related
:
My takeaway from your letter? You're learning about this woman while getting to know yourself. You're discovering whether the connection will fizzle or become something stronger and more important in your life.
Can you just do that? Instead of trying to ask big questions about whose experience makes them more knowledgeable and whose culture is dictating the pace of the relationship? Your partnership, however it plays out, will be unique. You can do whatever you want at the pace you want. Instead of explaining how others take big steps where you're from, tell her what feels right for
you
. Ask her what she likes.
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Trust me, in the US, there is no one path or pace. I know people who move in together at three months and others who try at three years. Also, in the US, we might frame everything as love, but rent, expenses, and family values dictate our choices, too. Geography is also key. The timeline for people in Massachusetts is different than for those in Wyoming.
Instead of asking yourself 'Is this normal?,' try, 'Do I like this? Am I having a good time? Do I want more of it?'
So far, it seems like your answers would be 'yes, yes, and yes.'
Sounds great to me.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Your prior relationships that had this NRE did not end up panning out, did they? You took time to work on yourself, and now you're in a new relationship that feels different, but maybe that's because it's the right relationship. Feeling different isn't necessarily a bad thing. Also this relationship seems like it is still relatively new, and there are cultural differences you may just have to get used to, so stop overthinking it and continue to get to know your partner and see where the relationship evolves.
THEGOODPLACE20
Even without cultural differences, every single person no matter where they're from is an INDIVIDUAL with their own wants/needs.
BKLYNMOM
Related
:
Every love is different. What you refer to as NRE may just be an emotional word for obsession. Now that you've worked on some of your issues, you may be obsessing less and enjoying more. Stop worrying about things that are going well.
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WIZEN
I'll tell you this as an example: Long ago I would only be interested in women who gave me that 'strong' feeling. That huge crush feeling. In every case the relationships were not healthy or they were never interested in me. Finally I decided I had to do something different. So I decided that I would ask women out who were attractive but also good people, people that aligned with my life, who I enjoyed spending time with. But none of them gave me that 'crush' feeling. This was on purpose. Those relationships ended up being much better relationships. So I called that 'intense crush feeling' my 'bad picker' and I never listened to it again.
JSMUS
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