Menopause shatters sex lives – but talking about it saved my marriage

Telegraph

03-04-2025

Tamsen Fadal, 54, is an Emmy award-winning journalist and, thanks to her menopause advocacy, the US answer to Davina McCall. Here, she shares her tips for talking to your husband about the change
My first signs of menopause started in 2019, though I didn't initially know I was having one. I was 49 and had been struggling for years with heavy periods, sleeping difficulties, weight gain and a lack of confidence. It came to a head when I wound up lying on the floor of the women's bathroom at work (an attempt to cool down) due to a debilitating hot flush and a racing heartbeat.
After that, I knew I had to figure out what was wrong with me. I thought it might be stress, early-onset dementia or a heart problem. Eventually, I was told that it was perimenopause. I'd never heard that word before and went on a deep dive into the subject. I've never stopped asking questions since.
But if women, like me, were feeling confused with what's going on with our bodies during the menopause, can you imagine how the men in our life are feeling? I'm a journalist, not a doctor, and this became one of the biggest stories I would ever tell. I made a documentary about the menopause and now, my new book, How to Menopause, based on interviews with more than 40 experts, guides people through it.
Education is really lacking for everyone involved, men and women. Here's how I'd recommend talking to your husband about it.
Pick your moment and start the conversation
It's got to start with a proper conversation with your partner about the menopause and exactly what's going on. I don't think it should feel uncomfortable or embarrassing. I hope the advocacy from women like Davina McCall and Mariella Frostrup helps to make it feel more normal to talk about it.
The chat shouldn't be in the bedroom, as it's not the place for heavy conversations. I raised the subject with my husband, Ira, while we were out for dinner one night. I felt like I had to tell him how I was feeling and we talked it through over a bottle of wine.
He was really supportive. It allowed for there to be another layer of intimacy in the relationship and I think that's a really nice place to be.
Give them the science
I think it really helps if a partner can understand the biology of what happens during the menopause.
With my husband, I explained that the menopause is a natural part of ageing for women and occurs when there is change in the body's hormones, caused by the ovaries producing less and less oestrogen as we get older.
I talked him through the perimenopause (when menopausal symptoms begin, like hot flushes, mood regulation and sleep disruption) and menopause, which is the point when you haven't had a period for a year.
I explained that it felt like a second puberty in reverse, and set out the treatments I was taking and what they did.
Explain how you're feeling – and that they're not the problem
I told my husband that, while I'm still me, I just feel very different because of all of these symptoms that have taken me by surprise.
Some of the manifestations of menopause can be really worrying. For me, I suddenly found it difficult to read the teleprompter at work (I was working in a live newsroom at the time) and was struggling to ad lib. I felt like a mess, like I was going crazy.
Menopause can also lead to increased irritability. I've heard from women who can't stand the sound of their partners chewing and are suddenly snapping at them a lot.
You really need your partner to be supportive during this time but, equally, they need to know that, usually, it's not them causing the problem. Explain to them what is going on, and let them know that you're going to figure out the best solutions.
Talk about your sex life
It can be really difficult for a husband if their wife's sex drive suddenly drops during the menopause. They may not understand why their partner suddenly doesn't want to have sex any more.
I went through it myself. I got remarried at the age of 50 and had to talk to my husband about my lack of libido, what felt good to me and what didn't and what to do to move past that. Women past 50 often say they have the best sex of their life, so I don't want women to think that the menopause means that all their best years are behind them.
It's so important to make clear that it's not them and that you're still just as attracted to them.
My top tips for getting through the menopause
Pay attention to alcohol and caffeine
Both are sleep disruptors and sleep is such a precious commodity for so many women during the menopause. Caffeine can also be a trigger for hot flushes, so it might be worth cutting back if you think it's worsening your symptoms.
Follow a healthy diet
Avoid eating meals that are high in fat and sugar, as they are not helpful at all.
Prioritise sleep
I'm very diligent about going to bed and getting up at the same time, as it helps to keep a consistent sleep schedule. I've found keeping the bedroom cool is also a must. I've found cold pads that you put over your mattress to be especially helpful.
Weight training
Keeping fit is really important and we should start early, ideally in our 30s, before the menopause is even on our radar. Lifting weights, in particular, can help maintain bone strength, which can decline during the menopause.
Reorganise your wardrobe
Like many women, the menopause can cause me to feel very bloated sometimes. I found it helpful to clear out my closet and only keep what makes me feel confident. Then, I reorganised my wardrobe so that the items that make me feel most comfortable on bloated days are at the front and everything else is at the back.