The Midults: I want to escape my increasingly toxic book group

Telegraph

11-05-2025

Dear A&E,
My book club has stopped being fun. We set it up after the pandemic and at the beginning it was full of laughter and interesting chat but, increasingly, the book choices are heavy and, dare I say worthy. People get angry when others haven't had time to read the books – and are starting to talk about each other behind their backs. Basically it feels like a chore. What can I do?
– Over It
Dear Over It,
Isn't it depressing that nothing seems immune from the toxicity of today's pressures? Even your lovely book club has been compromised; the book club which perhaps began life as a vehicle for a little light literary curiosity, but mostly (probably) to validate a regular gathering of like-minded-enough friends. A device for connection, which Bonus Ball might stave off the atrophy of the little grey cells.
Post-pandemic we all swore we'd never over-isolate again and would, instead, actively seek each other out and share and talk and feel free. Your book club must have seemed like the perfect thing. What was once a safe space (if we can even bear to write those words) has now, dear Over It, been invaded. You feel that it is riven with divisions and politics. It has ceased to fulfil the needs of all the people who signed up for it. It's frustrating when things evolve away from their intended purpose and become platforms for dissent and disagreement.
To be fair to your book club, it feels very much like it is just mirroring everything else in the world right now. Fun and funds are scarce. Everyone is arguing about what the right course of action might be. All the time. The volume, to borrow from Spinal Tap, is turned up to 11. Aren't we all exhausted? Aren't we automatically triggered into a stress spiral when we reflexively open our bank account or pension apps? When we open the newspaper, or our emails? And all this tension breeds polarisation. And the intensity ratchets up. And… where is the fun?
Have you noticed that people seem to fall into several camps these days? There are those who have decided to lean out of big discussions, metaphorically donning noise-cancelling headphones and stopping with ALL THE NEWS for mental health purposes. They just want to keep things light and cheery as best they can, and don't want to ping pong about tariffs or Taiwan. On the other side, there are those leaning in so dramatically that they have aged 10 years, but, at least, they know where the coking coal is coming from. So it's not really surprising that you are saying, 'Et tu Book Club?' Smooth sailing is hard to come by.
Against this backdrop, even reading feels like an un-fun job. The chosen book has become homework and you are perpetually worried that if you don't like the book or want to recommend something else (something about hot fairies for example), you are going to be patronised or gossiped about. No wonder you want to step away.
So dear Over It, you can either extract yourself elegantly, saying something along the lines of 'You know I love you all, but I am finding it increasingly hard to stay on top of the reading, and I feel as though I am letting you down, so it's best if I have a break.' Or before you close the book completely, you could ask everyone how they feel. We could suggest opening with something like: 'Does anyone else feel that we could talk about a reset? It may be just me, but it seems that we have gone from wanting to connect through something we love trying to prove something. Is there a way we can make it lovely again? Because life is really heavy at the moment, and I am not sure this particular corner of our lives was designed to be.'
Chuck it out to the floor. You might find that all the back biting and snarking and one-upmanship was this weird, escalating tension and given a little air, a little space, it all calms down and you get a happy ending. Or you might find that your club has just run its course and it's time to close the chapter. And that is OK. Change is hard but sometimes staying is harder, and takes too much from you in the end.
You could find an alternative. There's an online community platform called Fable that caters to every book club taste you could imagine, and you can dip in and out as you will. There are podcasters and Substackers and independent booksellers queuing up to give you their recommendations. You could even go minimalist to the extreme: Emilie is part of a book club with her friend Kate where they just WhatsApp each other one-word reviews. They've just read Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's Dream Count. Thoughts? Excellent.