Asking Eric: Friend can't keep to plans
Dear Eric: I don't consider myself a 'square' but I'm having a hard time reconciling some relationships. My cousin's family now owns a weed store and even sells THC-infused food they can consume while in the store. My good friend did LSD at her son's wedding. I feel very judgmental about their choices, and I don't know if I should change my relationships with them or just compartmentalize this. Do you have any advice?
– Drug Free Me
Dear Drug Free: Compartmentalize, if you can. It's not 'square' to have a different relationship to substances than others do. It's a matter of personal taste and personal choice; yours is valid, as is theirs.
One thing to ask yourself, however, is how their choices are affecting you, if at all. For instance, if your cousin's family owns a weed store and you don't smoke weed, I presume you're not going in to visit. If they're not hawking their wares at family events or pressuring you to help them meet their sales quota, then this sounds like something you don't have to think about.
Similarly, I'm curious what impact your friend doing LSD at her son's wedding had on you. To me, that sounds like a pretty overwhelming experience for her, what with the celebratory busyness of a wedding and the drug's effects. But I'm not her and I didn't have to do the LSD. I wasn't even invited to the wedding. Even if you were invited, I'm not seeing an indication in your letter that the choice impacted you personally.
You are perfectly within your rights to hold your opinions about drug use. However, when opinions transform into judgment, we get into trouble. If you find yourself unable to live and let live, it would be wise to change your relationships, acknowledging that you're doing it because their choices are incompatible with the choices you want them to make.
Dear Eric: I have a friend of about 10 years. We see each other three to four times a month. Frequently this is for a dog walk in a park or hiking trail. Also, we go to events, museums and dinner. My issue with my friend is that she frequently cancels at the last minute or is late. I am not that person. One could say I am a little OCD about timeliness and keeping my commitments.
One time she mentioned that two of her friends were angry with her because she canceled a lunch date at the last minute. I didn't say anything. However, the next time I saw her I mentioned that I had been thinking about her issue with her friends and sometimes felt the same way. Her behavior has not changed, and I am not sure exactly what to do.
My friend is very social. I am much more of an introvert and need 'me' time. Is this friendship doomed?
– Friendship Questioner
Dear Questioner: It's only doomed if you decide it is. This isn't meant to put the onus on you. Friendship is a two-way street. However, you've known her for 10 years and see her multiple times a month, so there are parts of her that you're aware of and, presumably, accepted in the past. We all change over time; maybe some things you didn't mind in the past now grate. It's helpful to acknowledge that.
I'm curious if, in your conversation about the issue with her other friends, you asked her to try to be on time when she met you. It's, of course, not your responsibility to coach her into better time management, but sometimes we have to be explicit about what we need to feel respected and cared for in a friendship.
She has a different understanding of the message lateness sends to you. To her, it could simply be the capriciousness of fate or 'just one of those things.' Whereas for you, it's more than an inconvenience; it's rude.
So, talking to your friend about this will help. But so will asking yourself if you can keep accepting that this is who she is.
If you know she's likely to be late or cancel – and that this may be a feature of her personality, or it may be an executive functioning issue – you might be able to temper your expectations and avoid disappointment or frustration. Similarly, if she knows that you value punctuality, she may be able to plan better or communicate farther in advance.
This would be especially useful if she has executive-functioning challenges. Chances are she knows she's frequently late and there's anxiety that comes knowing that this frustrates friends but feeling helpless to prevent it. A conversation where you put it all out in the open might give her the tools to make smaller changes that can salvage your friendship.
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Dear Eric: As kids we went to the cemeteries with our parents and grandparents every year before Memorial Day. There are three cemeteries with family members, and I remember all of us working on each plot every year – planting flowers, digging, weeding then going out for lunch. All this takes preparation then daily/weekly care. Now our parents and grandparents and others are buried, and I am the only one of the five kids who decorates and cares for the graves. My kids and their spouses and children joined my wife and I to prepare the sites and planted some perennials. Now the sites still need hanging plants and other flowers and watering often and weeding occasionally. This happens every year. It sure makes me sad to go there and see nothing has been done except by me. I guess I don't feel I should have to ask for help. It is expensive and time consuming. We sure would love to see flourishing plants and no weeds. – Tired of Tending Dear Tired: This is a beautiful tradition for these sites of memory, and it clearly holds a lot of meaning for you. It's great that you've involved your children and grandchildren, as well, to keep the tradition alive. Sometimes, when we have a need that's gone unmet, the only way forward is to ask for it. So, while you shouldn't have to ask for help, doing so may ease your stress. It may also alert your siblings to an opportunity for service that has slipped their minds. While this is a longstanding tradition in your family, it's possible it doesn't hold the same weight for your siblings as it does for you. So, talking to them about what it means to you and asking for their support could be an invitation for them to dig deeper, as it were. Now, when you do this, you should also be prepared for the possibility that the extensive work you do planting and maintaining the plots isn't something that they want to take on. They may prefer a more trimmed back horticultural plan. Everyone commemorates their loved ones in different ways. Try to be open to smaller tasks that they might take on as well. Dear Eric: I'm lucky enough to have parents in their 80s in pretty good health and who are celebrating their 60th anniversary next month. The issue is that they want to celebrate it on my birthday. The expectation is that I drive two hours to celebrate them all day, doing whatever they ask of me then drive two hours to go home. Their actual anniversary is a few days before my birthday and they don't see an issue that I'd like to have my birthday acknowledged (ideally, I could make plans myself). This is not the first time they have hijacked my birthday (or any other day) and will get extremely upset (borderline abusive) when I say I want their party to be on another day. I feel like a prisoner, but they are 80. Do I just suck it up and lose another birthday? I feel like I don't matter. – Middle Child Dear Middle Child: Sixty years of marriage is a significant, and rare, milestone, one that ought to be celebrated. Initially I thought, 'What's stopping this letter writer from sharing the birthday and being with family?' But there are parts of this letter that make me concerned this issue is about more than just what your plans are. For instance, you write that your parents have become borderline abusive when you've pushed back on plans before. You write that you feel like a prisoner. So, this isn't just a case of an overcrowded family calendar. There's something amiss in your relationship. I'm curious where your other siblings are in this. I'm curious what you'd like to do on your birthday and ways that your family might make you feel special, even if you did do the actual celebration on another day. If this is bothering you this much, it's worth saying something to your parents about it. Even if you're still planning to come to help them celebrate, you can and should speak up beforehand about what you need. If it feels to you that they've hijacked your birthday, explore that and try to find what can be remedied by them and what's yours to work through. Most importantly, keep yourself safe. If your relationship with your parents is contentious or abusive, you don't have to go. Or you can set a limit for how long you're going to stay. And no matter how long you stay (if you go at all), make sure you do something special for yourself, with people you like and who value you. Even if it's not on your actual birthday, make time to show up for yourself.
