Why being grandparent is good for your health

Telegraph

16-03-2025

Modern grandparents are no longer the stiff-limbed, fuss budget stereotypes of old. Many are still working when their children announce the arrival of a new generation. But it is still a huge event in any family, with a myriad of effects, expected and surprising. One of them is that grandchildren are good for the health of their grandparents.
The average age of becoming a grandparent in the UK is 63, which was my age when my first grandchild Edie was born five years ago. I joined the 14 million strong army of men and women felled with love on seeing their child's newborn baby. Almost instinctively it triggered in me the desire to be the fittest and healthiest I could be, to be around and involved through much of her life, not doddering on the sidelines, and making an early exit.
Post-60, many of us are starting to face some physical and cognitive challenges, from reduced energy and sleep problems, to more serious problems such as cardio-vascular concerns, longer recovery times from illness, and slower mental processing speed, or even the first signs of cognitive decline.
But the fact is 44 per cent of today's European grandparents are involved in their grandchildren's childcare, either frequently or regularly, and 20 per cent of British grandmothers regularly provide up to 10 hours a week to the care of their children's children. Staying in good shape is essential if you are going to do your bit.
According to a 2020 study at University College London becoming a grandmother in particular increased these women's health, social engagement, and wellbeing. Compared to grandchild-less mothers, those who became first-time grandmothers the previous year reported higher life satisfaction and lower depression, whereas those who had become grandparents earlier reported similar levels of wellbeing.
Dr Giorgio Di Gessa who ran that study says: 'Looking after grandchildren may provide grandparents with emotional gratification and a sense of usefulness and competence, thereby enhancing life satisfaction. Grandparents' involvement in such a family activity may also provide them with a sense of value and attachment, thereby strengthening intergenerational relationships and positive emotional exchanges that might benefit their mental health.'
During the first year of the Covid pandemic, over a third of grandparents who stopped looking after their grandchildren throughout the first nine months of the pandemic reported high levels of depressive symptoms, such as feeling sad or having restless sleep, compared to 26 per cent of those who continued to look after grandchildren. They also reported lower life satisfaction, and a lower quality of life.
And it's not just about your happiness. Active grandparenting can also make good budgeting sense. For the one-third of working mothers who call on grandparents and help from other family members the saving to the UK is estimated at £96 billion.
Five years in, and now 68, I have found my grandmothering feet. I see being a grandmother as an active role, though as I am still working part-time as founder of the therapist-matching platform Welldoing, it doesn't feature regular childcare. Every couple of months we have Edie to stay for the weekend. I think she sees these visits as a treat. She adores our dog, Romy, and she tells me that if Romy could talk she would say that Edie is her favourite human.
Most London trips involve me taking her to a museum. Fascinated by space and rockets, she relishes the Science Museum and we both amazed watching A Beautiful Planet 3D featuring the gravity-free crew on the International Space Station. The Natural History Museum and the V&A art museum are also big hits, even if the latter's popularity had more to do with splashing in the courtyard fountain than the ornate costumes or classical statuary.
When we are together at my house, as well as playing with toys, building forts and gardening, we connect over (some of) the books I choose for her. I want her to know about New Zealand, where I was raised, so I have plenty that relate to that. Plus I love reading books I read to her mother and uncle in the 1990s, by authors like David McKee, Shirley Hughes and Janet and Allan Ahlberg.
Looking after Edie, and now Mina, I am aware of how tiring small children are. I'm now doing strength training in the gym, as I want to be strong and stable so that I can pick up my grandchildren, and haul around their huge bags of spare clothing, wipes and snacks.
This month saw the publication of a new book by Cambridge academic Terri Apter called Grandparenting: On love and relationships across generations. As I know and admire psychologist Apter's books on teenage girls, and mother and daughter relationships, I was eager to see where her research and interviews with grandparents and their adult children had led her.
Apter is particularly interested in the effect of a new generation on family dynamics. For some daughters, mothers in any way questioning their parenting style is hugely upsetting, especially in early days when hormones rage; while other new parents are thrown if they see their own parent being patient with the grandchild, in a way they never were with them as children. For the grandparents, there can be a great fear of stepping over an invisible line, especially with childcare advice having changed much since they had their own children.
With my own daughter, I would say that her becoming a mother has brought us closer. As a single mother of two through the 90s, I relied on swathes of nannies and au pairs, and on occasion she felt she did not get enough of my attention. She is so appreciative of my love and (really very limited) childcare help, that I believe being Edie's grandmother has eased any old frictions that may have lingered between us.
Grannies are no longer the archetypal shampoo-and-set OAPs so I wondered reading Apter's book, what are the modern templates for a relationship with your grandchild?
Apter divides modern grandmothers into three types. The feminist grandmother who dives into childcare to protect the work status of their daughter or daughter-in-law; the radical grandmother who did not work while her children were young and, while loving and supportive, is keen to protect her time now that it is her own; and the subversive grandmothers who see themselves as the one who will provide the information and culture that others don't, and include their grandchildren in what they're doing rather than immersing themselves in the grandchild's world.
It seems that, like my mother and grandmother, I am a subversive grandmother. I want Edie to know more than what's taught in school or by her conscientious parents, and I am proud that she shows some interest in many things I have introduced (most recently my jewellery box, and the stories of the women who owned some of the pieces before me). I get excited when I know she is setting off to see me, and I really cherish the times we are together, even if it's simply taking her love-object dog for a walk.
Jake Arnold-Forster
Jake, 62, has just moved, with his wife, to a flat in East London. He takes care of his grandchild Nye, 21 months, once a week.
All the family keenly anticipated the arrival of the first grandchild, yet it was a complete surprise. I had thought, well, I'm fond of my dog, I adore my adult children, a grandchild would be somewhere in between. But it was a proper coup de foudre. I genuinely fell head over heels just holding Nye in my arms, rocking him to sleep. I suddenly thought this is absolutely astonishing, and he has become a huge thing in my life.
My wife Rebecca and I see him for a day a week. I remember us saying to each other that we wouldn't want to do regular childcare as we have busy lives. (Jake is the chief executive of health-tech startup Carradale, a software platform; Rebecca Jewell is an artist and printmaker). Then, when our daughter asked us, we immediately complied.
You discover that you will do anything for a grandchild. The time you have with them is totally theirs and I think they respond to that. You are really face-down in the toys, whereas as a parent you are often trying to do other things at the same time.
Nye loves anything animal-related, but particularly neigh-neighs (horses). We visit the City Farm, go to the playground, run a fish and chip shop that we bought from a Cornwall car boot. We have our own little game, where we push dozens of tennis balls to and fro on the dusty floor of the basement. And it only finishes when he wants it to.
Hanging out with Nye has made me realise that, as a parent of three children all born in the 1990s, I didn't do enough total immersion, down on the floor with them. It's also made me think about my own childhood. I can now sense the intensity of parental and family love was more important than anything else, which is good to recognise.
Being a grandfather has made me realise I am a lot more emotionally stable than I thought I was. And physically, you want to be capable too, able to do stuff like carry him on your shoulders, even if – true story – you end up having to do it for three miles, because he doesn't want to sit in his pushchair.
My maternal grandfather died when I was very young, but he came from a different era. Children were not allowed in the drawing room when he was there. Now there's much more equality. A grandparent today is happy to work at a relationship with their grandchild, making sure they know these creatures can rely on you. You need to be prepared to put their welfare first, even if it's sometimes at your own expense. And that feels great.
Angela Neustatter
Angela, a journalist and author, 81, lives in Islington and describes herself as indulgent grandmother of Laylah, seven (in picture) and her three other grandchildren
I became a grandmother when I was 68 and now I have four grandchildren, aged from 13 to three. We all live in North London, and I see them pretty regularly, though nothing is formalised. I am a fairly indulgent grandmother – one of my two sons says too indulgent but I think I have become a little better recently.
In 2023 I was diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer. Shell-shocked, we gathered the children and grandchildren together to tell them this news, and Laylah came bearing a bunch of flowers. Before we could say anything she thrust them into my arms saying 'This is because you're going to die!' Actually, it helped break the ice!
It was tremendously helpful having family and friends around when I was being treated, but it limited the time I could see the grandchildren, though we still stayed in touch.
Now I am in remission, Laylah and I in particular like to spend time together. Our 'thing' is live performance. The Little Angel Theatre is just around the corner and she likes that, except the one we saw with the wolves, 'I don't want to see that again,' she told me afterward. 'I was frightened.' I have just booked to take her to a children's production of Swan Lake at Sadler's Wells.
Going to the theatre with a seven-year old isn't too taxing. I don't have the stamina to do much more, but I am happy to be exhausted. I like to say, I love them very much, but in limited doses. I say to people that grandchildren are a reason for getting old. They make you happy.
When you are a grandmother, you can accept things that might hurt or worry the parent. Sometimes Laylah gets really mad at me about something, and with a fierce voice and flashing eyes she will turn on me 'Oma![which is Dutch for grandma]'. But I know that it doesn't really matter. It will pass. She's a happy child, and I love having her, and all my grandchildren, in my life.
How to be a good grandparent
Becoming a grandparent changes your relationship with every member of the family. These tips from author Terri Apter are to help negotiate the new relationship with your adult child and your grandchild.
1. Accept some criticism or apparent ingratitude for your input
New parents put a lot of effort into learning about their baby's need, and hearing grandparents' advice can interfere with their own focus. When a new parent is irritated, try to show understanding and patience.
2. When helping out, try to avoid an 'I know best' tone of voice
You may think 'I would never speak like that!' But grandparents' belief in their own parental expertise is easily heard as they speak. Grandparents should respect a parent's opinion.
3. Resist the common advice to 'bite your tongue' and find a way to engage in genuine conversations
Self-silencing is stressful and bad for our health. Instead try to air views in the form of a question for discussion. 'Do you think the child might like…?' acknowledges the parent's expertise.
4. Challenge your child if you feel shut out from your grandchild
New parents may not want you to visit whenever you want, but you can respect their wishes AND meet your own need to engage with your grandchildren. Ask parents to suggest a time when you can visit. If there is still no sign of welcome, begin a conversation with your own child, focusing on what you would like.
5. Keep up with your grandchild
As your grandchildren grow, they change, as do their ideas of a good relationship. Show genuine curiosity in their changing interests, while turning down the dial on gushing, indiscriminate enthusiasm.
6. There is no 'right' answer to how much help you 'should' provide
One third of working mothers rely on regular child care from grandparents. Yet how much you provide should be shaped by your individual desires and goals. It helps to have a formula for refusal to hand, such as, 'A full day is too much for me, but I can cover in the morning.'
7. Remember, it's worth getting this right
Strong ties to their grandparents buffer children from common adverse experiences such as parents' divorce. Engagement with grandchildren is linked to better health, both physical and mental, in grandparents. Sustaining cross-generation bonds is a win for everyone.