9 Subtle Ways You Could Be Self-Sabotaging Your Happiness, According to a Psychologist

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9 Subtle Ways You Could Be Self-Sabotaging Your Happiness, According to a Psychologist originally appeared on Parade.
It isn't always easy to recognize the signs of self-sabotage. Sometimes, they're so subtle, you can rationalize it to a point of normalcy. At its root, though, licensed psychologist, Ph.D., says that is a carefully woven defense mechanism that lives deep within the unconscious mind. Although the ways we do it can be small, they're no less harmful to our mental wellbeing.Whether it's something as (seemingly) small as procrastinating or staying in an unhealthy relationship, psychologists want you to recognize subtle self-sabotaging habits that impact your happiness before it takes a toll on your life. This type of behavior can be a result of an array of things, from childhood trauma or a stress response to anxiety and learned behavior growing up. In order to really master any self-sabotaging tendencies, you'll need to master the art of self-awareness. This isn't always easy, but our expert recommends starting with practices like journaling, which can help you make sense of your thoughts, feelings and emotional patterns.If you aren't sure where else to start, we have the perfect outline. Dr. McGeehan dives into exactly what self-sabotage is, what it stems from and all the ways it can wreak havoc on your life. Plus, ways to recognize and combat this type of behavior.Related:
We probably all have heard of the term "self-sabotage," but what does it actually mean? What is it, and are we guilty of doing it ourselves?"Self-sabotage is when you unconsciously act against your own goals, values or wellbeing—even though you say you want something different," Dr. McGeehan explains. "For example, you may be desiring connection and intimacy, but unconsciously push people away. Typically, it's the result of a childhood wound that hasn't been resolved, and therefore, a piece of you doesn't feel comfortable actually receiving what you want."
Self-sabotaging behavior is often unconscious and can therefore be subtle if you aren't able to recognize the signs. Again, Dr. McGeehan shares that self-sabotage can be "a symptom of an unresolved survival strategy.""I always tell my clients that your nervous system will choose familiarity over health, and ultimately, your nervous system and unconscious [mind] are major drivers behind behavior," she explains. "If you have experienced emotional neglect in your childhood but haven't spent time addressing and naming this issue, you may continue to behave in ways that drive at emotional neglect, continuing the pattern rather than breaking it."Related:
This is a huge one and something we've probably all found ourselves doing: putting off responsibilities from time to time. But Dr. McGeehan says that it can be one of the most subtle (yet harmful) forms of self-sabotage."I see this one a lot with my clients," she shares. "We spend a lot of time trying to be 'perfect,' and this can show up in our work projects being delayed or an overflowing inbox. Either way, it tends to be about fear of failure and judgment, and so it's easier to avoid the possibility of that failure rather than just allowing your work to be good enough."To combat this, she recommends giving yourself a time limit on how long you are allowed to fuss over a project before moving forward with what you have. On a deeper level, she says it's important to ask yourself where that fear stems from. "Go and reparent that piece of you, and watch the issue resolve itself in real-time," she advises.Related:
Feeling pressured to agree to something you don't want is another common way to self-sabotage. Dr. McGeehan stresses that this is another common one she sees among her clients."Martyrdom is praised amongst mothers, women and husbands ('happy wife, happy life')," she says. "And while yes, it's healthy to think of others, it's also healthy to honor your needs for rest. "She also explains that this stems from a fear of rejection. It could be related to a childhood wound or having parents who would become the driver in your life instead of letting you make your own decisions. "A great place to start working on this is to default to saying no to everything until you can truly evaluate your capacity and change it to a yes," she shares.Related:
If you tend to spend a lot of time in the planning phase of a big life change or project, and never take any action, you could be self-sabotaging in a big way. It's another symptom of avoidant behavior."At its core, it's about fear of failure," Dr. McGeehan says. "For this, I recommend going and talking to a younger version of yourself (inner child work) and letting [them] know that failure is a healthy part of life. [It] doesn't have any indication on [their] worth."In addition to inner child work, she has another tip: Find healthier voices to put in your head (supportive friends, a therapist, etc.) who can show you love and encouragement as you practice moving into a place of action vs. analysis paralysis.
Constantly seeking outside validation before moving forward in your life can keep you stuck. Dr. McGeehan says it's important to externalize your compass, especially if you grew up this way."It's associated with a childhood where the parents were overbearing and made all of the decisions for you rather than allowing you to listen and explore," she explains. "This one is trickier to work through because you really need to pull back from asking for feedback and spend some time journaling to find your inner voice. A lot of times, this is grueling work because you've been disconnected from it for so long."Related:
While this can definitely happen in your friendships, too, Dr. McGeehan says she sees this most in romantic relationships. Sometimes, it's easy to downplay your own needs to your partner or tell them you're fine when you're not. It could be yet another sign of an unhealed childhood wound."You were taught that being small and not asking for what you want/need is what will allow you to remain in [the] relationship," she shares. "Inner child work is most potent for this issue and speaking to this younger self. Reminding [them] it's healthy to have needs and that you are willing to listen to [them] is the fastest catalyst to change."
This is another learned behavior that can be harmful to your physical and mental well-being. Whether you tend to work for 12 hours a day or aren't getting enough sleep, you should never ignore your body's subtle cues that it needs to reset."This is all about having a childhood where your parents didn't teach you to listen to your body," Dr. McGeehan tells Parade. "Or, more importantly, they modeled not listening to their own body, and therefore you inherited a belief that it wasn't important to listen to your body's cues."To combat this, her most effective recommendation is to do something relaxing for yourself, like getting a massage, going to the spa or even something as simple as reading to unwind. "Most people live in their sympathetic nervous system and are cut off from their body's messages," she adds. "It's easier to realize you're tired or thirsty if you get some support in relaxing first."Related:
De-prioritizing rest goes hand-in-hand with ignoring your body's cues. Some might say they have a "high stress tolerance" or don't need to rest as much, but a lack of sleep can lead to so many other issues, including a decline in physical health and mental fatigue."The reality is [that] not enough people plan and schedule out their rest, despite a need for it," Dr. McGeehan admits. "Instead, we overplan, keeping ourselves on the edge or in full-blown burnout over and over again—usually in the name of looking a certain way so that people will love us."Her solution to this is to visit the root of where you saw this lifestyle modeled. Did your parents often demonstrate that working to burnout was the right thing to do? Planning rest in your calendar can also help, even if you think you don't need to do it.Related:
According to Dr. McGeehan, it's unfortunately common for people to hold on to relationships that aren't serving them. If you find yourself doing this, you could be sabotaging your own happiness in a big way."This one is really tough for people," she says. "A lot of times, we stay in relationships that drain us because we see the potential or good in someone. But oftentimes, we are just staying in a familiar pattern and prolonging our misery."If you do find yourself in this situation, she recommends working on building self-trust so you have a strong safety net when you decide to step out of an unhealthy relationship. Trusting that you're capable of taking care of yourself, even in painful moments.Related:
Dr. McGeehan says there are a lot of misconceptions around this one. Negative self-talk can be described as any type of inner dialogue you have with yourself that's overly critical or too focused on failure."This is one of the most common and misunderstood ways that I've seen clients self-sabotage," she shares. "While people believe negative self-talk will push them toward 'better' behavior, the opposite is true. I have yet to see anyone hate themselves into healthier behavioral patterns. The negative self-talk actually keeps you trapped in an unhealthy pattern."To combat this, she recommends talking to yourself the way you would a friend or a child. It's simple, but incredibly effective.Up Next:Dr. Brittany McGeehan, P.h.D., licensed psychologist
9 Subtle Ways You Could Be Self-Sabotaging Your Happiness, According to a Psychologist first appeared on Parade on Jun 24, 2025
This story was originally reported by Parade on Jun 24, 2025, where it first appeared.