‘My husband doesn't want to bath': Expert weighs in on Joburg wife's dilemma
A Johannesburg woman sought advice online about her husband's refusal to bathe, which strained their marriage as she juggled parenting and household duties.
Relationship expert Shelley Lewin recommends speaking respectfully, using 'I' statements to express feelings, and reframing hygiene as mutual care rather than a personal flaw.
Lewin suggests creating joint rituals, like preparing baths together, to foster partnership and ease the imbalance in responsibilities.
For most of us, hygiene is a no-brainer - just part of daily life. But what if your forever person - yes, the one you vowed to love through thick and thin—has a stinky stance on baths?
This is exactly what a desperate Johannesburg woman found herself wondering recently.
Desperate for advice, Lisa Thompson* poured out her frustrations in an online support group. She starts her story by explaining that during a rough patch in their marriage, she informed their counsellor of her husband's refusal to bathe.
'My husband doesn't want to bath, guys.'
'A back story: Two years ago, we hit a rough patch in our marriage and went for counselling on other things. I mentioned my problem with his hygiene.'
Unfortunately, this backfired on Lisa after her husband, who is in his forties, demanded that she be responsible for preparing his baths since it bothered her that much.
While this left her feeling exasperated, she tried her best to stick to this arrangement; however, with their 13-month-old and her other 'wifely duties,' she simply couldn't keep up.
She shared, 'I was doing that but not consistently. Now we have a 13-month-old; MY HANDS ARE FULL! He still blames me for his lack of bathing. I'll be running the bath for him, and then he'll say it's an awkward time as he's still watching his show.'
READ | Should a 'work wife' get you worked up? Expert weighs in on this woman's viral dilemma
If you're already gasping, it gets better - or worse, depending on how you see it. Lisa went on to explain that, in addition to bathing drama, her husband expects food to be made and the house to be cleaned.
'On the other hand, he wants food 3 to 4 times a day; I must mind the baby and also try to ensure the house is tidy.'
She concludes the post by adding, 'I'm convinced he hates bathing.'
Some people suggested that Lisa pack her bags and run far and fast. Others, however, offered a gentler perspective, wondering if the issue could be a sign of hidden mental health struggles.
However, relationship expert Shelley Lewin had a more nuanced take, advocating for sensitive communication rather than harsh ultimatums.
'When it comes to sensitive issues like hygiene, it's essential to speak from a place of respect, not reproach. It's not about shaming someone into change but inviting them into a more connected, caring partnership.
The Uncomplicated Love author adds that Lisa should try expressing her feelings to her husband without placing her sole focus on his behaviour.
'In this situation, it sounds like the wife is carrying a heavy physical and emotional load. Rather than focusing on his behaviour alone, she can express her feelings using 'I' statements.'
For example:
'I feel emotionally tired and physically stretched right now. I need to feel that we're both showing up for this family and for each other.'
Lewin adds, 'She might want to add the impact it is having on her, for example: 'When I have to ask you to bathe or prepare the water for you, it adds to my feeling of being alone in the effort, and I am becoming resentful'.'
Lewin further explains that she should help her husband see his hygiene as part of their respect for each other and not simply a personal problem.
'It's also helpful to frame hygiene as part of mutual respect and shared care rather than a personal flaw. She might say:
'I know we're both adjusting to a lot with the new baby, but I need to feel that we're each taking care of ourselves and each other. It really matters to me that we keep up some basics, like staying clean, as it helps us both feel better.'
Lastly, Lewin suggests they prepare his bath together as a 'ritual of support'.
She concludes, 'Finally, creating rituals of support (like boiling water together or alternating responsibilities) might ease the power imbalance and foster partnership rather than parent-child dynamics between her and her husband.'
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