The questions behind our social interactions

The Guardian

04-05-2025

The unspoken subject of Sarah Miller's piece is empathy (People who don't ask me questions drive me crazy. Why are they like that?, 1 May).
In autism studies, researchers have noticed a 'double empathy problem': two people who think and communicate very differently will both struggle to empathise.
Ms Miller demonstrates this phenomenon inadvertently but perfectly. She mentions differences in male and female communication. And that some people have anxiety around asking questions or appearing to pry.
She acknowledges that not all questions are well-intentioned, but not that the line between acceptable and unacceptable is subjective. She doesn't appear to have wondered if 'non-askers' dislike her questions or if that is why they don't reciprocate. Neurodivergence and cultural differences are considerations too.
There are many reasons why some ask fewer questions than others. These are not bad conversationalists. There are many ways to connect, none right or wrong, but many incompatible. You don't have to click with everyone. But if you want to befriend non-askers, pay attention to how others like to communicate and join in. Do they tell jokes, exchange anecdotes, play games? If you want others to socialise like you, it's only fair you reciprocate.Name and address supplied
I'd like to suggest that there might be a cultural element to question asking. As an American who has moved to the UK, question-based conversation was a cultural difference I struggled to understand and enjoy. When I first moved to London people would ask me so many questions and never share anything about themselves. I found it so boring to always be answering questions about myself to the point that I started making things up.
When I complained about it to a friend they explained that in the UK it's not really the done thing to talk about yourself unless someone has asked. This felt very different from my American upbringing where it's considered rude to ask questions that might be perceived as prying. Instead there's an expectation that people will share what they want to share when they are ready to do so. After learning that, I started having much better conversations.Clair MaleneySheffield
Sarah Miller's article is very interesting. There is one answer by Estonian healers and witches to the question she poses: people who ask too many questions are simply frightened. A frightened person always has questions on their lips. There are whole nations who don't ask you questions, like Estonians. There is a KGB occupation time trauma, for example, as they asked far too many questions.
As an Estonian in the UK, I have been asked questions relentlessly until I am sick. It was never me waiting, as Miller says, like 'a dog for a treat', but rather not having been taught as a child how to shoot a question back straight away. That only comes with age and wisdom.
In my view, not asking back is about peacefulness within yourself and contentment, because we as humans should also dream together and not be constantly intense. More recently, now aged 52, I have started to ask questions back creatively, like who is your favourite composer, your favourite colour, and why, rather than where are you from and what do you do. Because I find that boring.Elo Allik-SchunemannLondon
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