IN FOCUS: How is reunification possible in domestic abuse cases?

CNA

2 days ago

Warning: This article contains details of domestic violence that some readers may find upsetting.
SINGAPORE: When both of Peter's (not his real name) parents were jailed for drug use, the boy was neglected and left to fend for himself.
He was placed in foster care, where he experienced a different family life – one where he was cared for and safe.
But despite this, he began eating excessively, which may have been a response to previous neglect and possibly inconsistent access to food or unmet emotional needs in his biological home, said Ms Faith Wong, senior social worker at the Singapore Children's Society.
Neglect is a form of child abuse. In the last two years, some high-profile cases have been in the courts and public eye.
A girl who was killed by her father and her remains hidden in a pot for years; a five-year-old girl who was abused and neglected by her father until her death; a girl who was forced to sleep in a planter box and killed by her mother's boyfriend.
Umaisyah, Ayeesha and Megan Khung's cases have shocked the nation.
In 10 years, the number of child abuse cases investigated by the Protective Service - those that present the highest safety and risk concerns - has risen fivefold.
It has gone up from 343 in 2013 to 2,011 in 2023, according to the latest available data from the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF).
But even in the most serious cases of child abuse, the chances of reunification are high. About 98 per cent of cases investigated by CPS resulted in children staying with their parents or being reunited after being removed.
In Peter's case, he longed to reach out to his mother, even though she was in prison. He reacted positively to her letters from behind bars, and his interest in reconnecting with his mother grew.
When she was released, reunification work started. He initiated visits with her and spent more time in her company.
But because of the number of years apart, there were 'quite a lot of expectations that the boy felt that mum did not meet', said Ms Wong.
Reunification is a complex journey. Peter now spends four days with his biological mother and three with his foster mother.
'Generally, children who are removed from their biological families and placed into foster care often face significant adjustment challenges,' added Ms Wong.
SAFETY FIRST
When a domestic violence report is lodged by the police, MSF's Domestic Violence Emergency Response Team (DVERT) officers are activated. They handle high-risk cases with immediate safety concerns.
DVERT operates around the clock and officers are deployed in serious cases. Upon arrival, officers look for immediate safety concerns, evaluate the living conditions and check victims for injuries.
A 'safety plan' is developed with family members to minimise the likelihood of violence recurring, said DVERT officer Mr Bryan Lau.
In some cases, a DVERT officer would issue an emergency order. This acts as a temporary safeguard that stops the abuser from committing further violence before a Personal Protection Order is issued by the court.
If abusers breach the emergency order, they can be arrested.
What if the perpetrator is uncooperative? Mr Lau tries to make them understand the consequences of their actions.
'So they know that we are trying to help them and they will be more willing to share their situation with us,' he added.
Once the assessment is done and safety is confirmed, the case may be referred to social service agencies.
WHEN ARE CHILDREN REMOVED?
Ms Pek Siao Tian, senior manager at MSF Protective Service, said the top priority is ensuring the immediate safety of the victims.
'When a child is unable to remain safe at home, we will place the child in alternative care, such as kinship, foster or residential care as a last resort,' she added.
When parents do not consent to out-of-home placement, protective services may apply to the Youth Court to seek an interim order to have the child temporarily placed elsewhere, pending further investigations.
Once the victims are safe, case officers would conduct an in-depth assessment by speaking to family members and other professionals. They assess the history of harm, the family's strengths and needs, and other factors.
'This can involve identifying what has worked well for the family in the past, so that we can tap these resources as we support them, and also understanding what would be some of the stresses and challenges they are facing to help them overcome these challenges,' Ms Pek said.
Families would be referred to child protection specialist centres, protection specialist centres or family service centres to 'address the needs of the family, encourage change and generally support the family in building a safe home', she added.
TRAUMA
If it is decided that a victim needs to be removed from their home, they may be placed with other family members, in a residential home or in foster care.
This move can be traumatic for children. They may lash out or withdraw from those around them, said experts.
In a children's home, such as the Singapore Children's Society's Sunbeam Place, a victim goes through a recovery process where their physical, psychological and emotional safety are top priorities.
The impact of the trauma is assessed and strategies are set up to ensure the child does not get 'retraumatised', said Mr Jeremy Heng, deputy head of home and senior clinical psychologist at Sunbeam Place.
'We want to make sure they feel safe, we want to make sure that they feel empowered, and we need to make sure that when there are decisions to be made, they have a choice and they feel they are involved in those decisions."
'When a child is experiencing harm, these are the things that they did not have and what we want to allow them to experience the opposite of what they experienced previously and the opportunity to have access to new experiences,' he said.
Children are also screened for mental health issues, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety and depression.
Experts from the Singapore Children's Society said some victims suffer from long-term trauma.
'A child who has experienced a very unhealthy social or family environment growing up may develop a negative view about themselves and a negative view of the world,' said Mr Heng.
'They may think: I am unsafe, I'm unlovable, I'm not worthy, people will hurt me, the world is not fair, the world is not safe.
'The child will be navigating the social relationships with those lenses, and they start off from a disadvantaged situation. It sets them on a different trajectory compared to their peers in a healthy developing process.'
Children in such situations may find it difficult to learn healthy regulation skills.
'There's no regulation or way to express their difficult emotions, but they observe violence or aggression. So they learn the not-so-good things, and think that that is how they can get what they want,' said Mr Heng.
Children who present symptoms of moderate to severe trauma, or symptoms that are consistent with PTSD, would undergo trauma-focused cognitive behavioural therapy, Mr Heng said.
'For individuals who have experienced trauma, what typically happens is that they may perceive things that are not dangerous as dangerous. If they are being triggered, they feel that they are experiencing harm, even though in the present moment, they are safe.'
Psychologists and social workers teach these children skills like emotional regulation and cognitive coping mechanisms.
'Once they are a bit more stable, there's a second part where we do sense-making. We review the harm they have experienced, (and) despite it, how they can move on.'
A big part of helping children recover is ensuring that they feel a sense of normalcy, both in their environment and schedules.
Most homes are structured in a way to resemble a family home – there is a living space, bedrooms, and places to have meals. This is to retain a sense of normalcy, said Mr Heng.
Giving children a structure and routine will help in their recovery.
"That consistency and predictability are really helpful for a child who may have come from a household where it was just really chaotic and everything was very unpredictable," added Mr Heng.
"So they go to school, they come back, they know that there'll be food, they know that no one is going to hurt them.
"They know what time they have to study, what time they get to watch TV. That is one of the ways we try to afford stability and initiate that process of healing."
'INSIDIOUS' TACTICS
Domestic abuse is not confined to children – in some cases, it extends to spouses.
On average, it takes women experiencing domestic violence seven attempts before they 'finally leave for good', said Ms Caris Lim, director of the CARE team at the Association of Women for Action and Research (AWARE).
The CARE team comprises a women's centre and a sexual assault care centre.
Ms Lim shared an incident where a stay-at-home mother could not safely communicate with others as her husband worked from home. She was physically, emotionally and verbally abused.
'(The woman) found it hard to leave the marriage, as her sense of self was completely destroyed after years of abuse."
'The fact that the abuse was directed at her and not her children made it even more difficult for her to leave the marriage, as she told herself that 'at least he is a good father to the children'.
'(She) had to excuse herself and go to the bathroom in order to call us. While on the call with her, our helpliner had to explore safety planning with her, knowing she could only respond with 'yes', 'no' or other monosyllabic answers.'
She was asked to call the police if she feared for her safety, and was taught how to schedule an online chat if she could not speak on the phone.
Once she was ready, she took the children to her parents' home and began plans to file for a divorce and a personal protection order.
Although such victims physically find a way out, the trauma does not end there, said Ms Lim.
'Even if an individual has left the abusive relationship or environment, the body can still remember the abuse because the memories are stored physically in the body's tissues.'
Ms Tay Yu Ping, social work lead of TOUCH Family Support, said that while there are instances of reconciliation, this might be a 'honeymoon phase'.
Without addressing the underlying issues, the cycle of abuse is likely to repeat after this phase, she added. In many cases, the victim finds it difficult to leave as they rely on their spouse for their basic needs.
'They would think: what if I no longer have that financial support? What if I no longer have that shelter to stay in?'
AWARE's Ms Lim said the group is hearing that abusers employ 'more insidious' psychological, emotional and financial tactics to control their victims.
These include threats to harm family members or pets, gaining access to passwords for phones and emails and destroying personal property.
In some cases, the abuser also guilt-trips them into staying in the relationship. Some isolate them from their friends and family – often in the guise of "love and concern" – while others cancel all credit cards and make the women 'beg' for finances to meet daily needs.
Trauma and abuse may stem from a partner who was perceived as a parental figure, said TOUCH Family Support's Ms Tay.
She recounted a situation where a mother's partner was 'easily triggered', often raising his voice at the children when they did not listen to him. He slapped and hit the children with objects.
As a result of the abuse, the mother began to exhibit harmful behaviour towards her elder child, including force-feeding the child chilli. The mother's partner was removed to safeguard the woman and her children.
As part of her job, Ms Tay also teaches victims how to remove themselves from danger.
'It would be things like having an emergency bag by their side. So if anything happens, there's an escape route and they can run out of the house, or a support network that they can actually seek help from in terms of lodging.'
'We also go in to talk about what the cues are to identify (the abuse)," she said. For example, if the abuse is in the "red zone", they should "run out of the house now", she added.
CONVICTION, AND CHANGE
Social workers and other professionals work not only with victims of abuse, but also with abusers.
'Helping someone recognise that their behaviour was harmful requires both time and a sense of safety in the therapeutic relationship. Some individuals who perpetrate abuse do not set out to be abusive,' said Dr Annabelle Chow, clinical psychologist at Annabelle Psychology.
An abuser's actions are often shaped by two key factors. Firstly, they may have experienced trauma, neglect or strict control growing up.
'Over time, these experiences can distort a person's understanding of what is normal in a relationship."
'They may repeat harmful patterns without fully realising it, especially if those patterns were what helped them cope or feel in control in the past,' said Dr Chow.
Secondly, they may have unmet emotional needs.
'From a psychological perspective, harmful behaviours can sometimes be a way to avoid painful emotions like shame, fear or feeling powerless.'
'These individuals may not lack morals or empathy, but they may have built strong emotional defences. For instance, they might lash out because they feel abandoned, threatened or overwhelmed, without knowing how else to respond.'
The process of changing violent or abusive behaviours does not happen overnight. It takes time and consistency.
Dr Chow said the process often starts with helping the perpetrator understand the link between their 'inner emotional world' – such as their fears, insecurities or unresolved issues – and their outward actions.
"Through therapy, individuals develop insight into questions like: why do I feel triggered in these moments? Why do I lash out at people I care about?"
Once they begin to understand the underlying factors driving their behaviour, psychologists work with them to build their emotional capacity to manage distress without resorting to aggression.
'This includes learning to regulate strong emotions, grieve unresolved pain and respond to others with empathy rather than fear or domination.
'Depending on what is safe and appropriate, this process could also involve individual, group or family and couple sessions,' Dr Chow said.
MILESTONES
When asked about the milestones that psychologists look for to show a change in behaviour, Dr Chow said abusers must admit that their behaviour was wrong and understand why they acted the way they did.
'Ultimately, trust can only begin to be rebuilt when the harmed party feels genuinely emotionally and physically safe."
'The perpetrator has to develop enough emotional maturity to respect that need for safety, even if it means accepting distance or non-reunification,' Dr Chow said.
Mr Martin Chok, Care Corner Singapore's deputy director of family and community services, said: '(Abusers) will always say 'it's not my fault' … if they can realise that it is their fault, that means they can change.
'Getting them to realise what they have done is not correct, gaining insights, (and) showing remorse takes time.'
Sometimes, abusers do not want to show up for counselling or other intervention sessions, he said.
'They will brush us off (and) they will not want to cooperate. So we will only have one party to work with,' he added.
Care Corner workers try to get the perpetrator to imagine what it is like to be in the shoes of their victims.
Progress is made when they are remorseful and there is a period without violent incidents.
Mr Chok said it's common for perpetrators to 'relapse' and it's important to build up 'resilience factors' to teach them how to de-escalate their feelings and recognise the triggers.
GETTING BACK TOGETHER
Reunification happens gradually.
Before a child fully returns home, social workers arrange supervised time between the abuser and the child, but both sides would first need to be emotionally ready to see each other again.
'Before we start any access, we really need to understand what has led to the harm, and that's where we will have a safety plan around what must happen and what cannot happen during contact,' said Ms Nawal Koay, assistant director and head of reunification service at the Singapore Children's Society.
Cases typically begin with a few hours of supervised contact. Over time, supervision may be done by a trusted family member.
As the child and parent become more comfortable, visits can progress to unsupervised time for a few hours, with the duration gradually increasing as appropriate.
If things go well, the child will begin staying overnight at home, and the frequency will gradually increase 'until maybe the child can be home 24/7', Ms Koay said.
'The child won't trust in one session, it's a journey.'
'We facilitate contact very intentionally in a way where we understand the child's needs and experience, and then how we can help support the father or mother in meeting the child's needs.'
'As long as the parents are showing progress, taking steps to it, then we will try to continue working towards meaningful reunification,' Ms Koay added.
Recounting a case where a child was removed from home at a young age, Ms Koay said the child initially struggled to let his mother change his diapers and clothes.
'One of the activities that we tried was to play a game where touch was slowly introduced, and he slowly let his mummy change his clothes under the social worker's supervision.'
Although professional teams will keep close communication with children after they are fully reunified with their families, it is important to ensure the child has a wider support network when they return home.
This could be extended relatives, school teachers, friends or 'anyone else in the network that really understands what the child needs, and knows what some of their triggers are but also how to support the child', Ms Koay said.
HAPPILY EVER AFTER?
Singapore Children's Society's Ms Wong said that many children often have the desire to return home despite the trauma.
'For many children, even though this is the home that caused them harm, they also want to repair the relationship because of the connection. Although their parents had hurt them, this home is where their identity is.'
While reunification may seem like the light at the end of a tunnel in the majority of cases, it is a journey of many ups and downs.
Singapore Children's Society's Mr Heng recounted a case where a primary school child was removed from his home due to harsh physical punishment and emotional abuse by his mother.
'He was in the home for four to five years, where he went through the whole trauma recovery process and he stabilised. His family also became a bit more stable and more accepting of their role in causing harm.'
After mother and son showed 'quite stable' progress during periods when home leave was allowed, they were reunited, and he lived at home fully.
However, on one occasion, the child did something against his mother's expectations and she administered some 'harsh physical and verbal punishment on him', Mr Heng said.
Due to safety concerns, reunification efforts stopped, and child protection officers applied for a long-term court order to ensure that he could remain under the care of the children's home until he aged out of the system.
Is there a happily ever after following domestic abuse?
Dr Chow said: 'I think relationships are hard work and commitment. And the desire to try again every day and to calibrate to work as a team.
'Every day is a sacrifice and a commitment, hopefully fuelled with love. If we are willing to put in the effort, the happily ever after can be what we write it to be.'