The one question you should ask yourself before ending a long-term relationship

Metro

2 days ago

Putting in the time – for everything from date nights to housework – is key to making a relationship last.
But in many cases, it can also be what keeps it going long after its sell-by date, thanks to a phenomenon known as sunk cost fallacy.
If you've ever stayed in a barely-moving hold queue for hours on end, or struggled to let go of an expensive yet painful pair of heels, you're probably familiar with this form of mental gymnastics.
Deep down, you know your chances of being connected to customer services or walking in those shoes are slim to none, but you convince yourself that to giving up now would 'waste' the considerable time, money and/or effort you've already invested.
This psychological bias can impact all aspects of our lives, causing us to make decisions based on 'past costs instead of present and future costs and benefits, which are the only ones that rationally make a difference.'
In terms of relationships, KC Davis, licensed therapist and author of Who Deserves Your Love, out now (Cornerstone Press, £14.99) tells Metro we're particularly susceptible to sunk cost thinking 'because there is some truth to the idea' that the more committed you are, the greater your responsibility to work through problems.
She explains: 'While 'eh I'm just not really into this anymore' is a good enough reason to end a dating relationship of three months, I think most of us would agree – especially were we on the receiving end of such a sentiment – that a relationship of nine years perhaps deserves more effort.'
Fear of being alone may also play a part, even more so if you've spent what you might consider your 'best years' with a partner, or the dating game has changed significantly since you were last single.
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Although KC highlights that the end of a relationship is a nuanced and personal process, there's one thing she always recommends asking yourself before you break things off:
Does staying in this relationship violate my values?
'This is my favorite question as a therapist,' KC says. 'It allows us to examine our responsibilities to ourselves first before we look at what we believe to be our responsibilities to our relationship.'
To find your answer, she recommends you start by 'inventorying' what's most important in your life (with or without a partner).
According to KC, values can look different for each person. for her, it's caring for her elderly parents, giving back to the community, and being in an environment that protects her 20 years of sobriety.
'Any relationship that would prevent me from living in accordance to those values is not a relationship that I would stay in,' she adds.
When deciding on these non-negotiables, it's important to focus on your own feelings — not those fed to you by outside influences, whether that's loved ones or society as a whole.
'Remember, we are talking about your values and the person that you want to be, not values other people or institutions want to dictate for you,' KC explains. More Trending
'For example, you may have a sincere value of participating in a religious service every week, or that might be something you adopted because you grew up being told that by your family and church. I always ask my clients 'do you cling to this value out of fear and shame, or are you embracing it because it brings you meaning and peace?''
Once you've worked out your values, you next need to consider whether your relationship helps or hinders you to live your 'ideal life'. If it's the latter, that doesn't necessarily spell the end, but their reaction will be a major indicator.
'Speak with your partner about it,' says KC. 'If they are unable or unwilling to make changes so that the relationship lines up with your values, then it may be time to leave.'
At this point, it doesn't matter how long you've spent together or how much effort you've put into making things work. When their presence is detrimental to your future, the past goes out of the window.
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