I volunteered to dogsit my friend's 'cute and adorable' puppy and it cost me over £1,000 in damages. Should I send her the bill? VICKY REYNAL replies
I offered to look after my friend's allegedly 'cute and adorable' puppy while she went on holiday.
But the puppy caused havoc: he damaged our £300 coffee table by chewing on its legs, peed on a £500 rug which I had to pay £100 to have cleaned and destroyed a £200 pair of my shoes.
I am furious because my friend deceived me into thinking her puppy was 'good'. Should I send her a bill for the damage?
M.E., via email
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: You generously agreed to look after what was promised to be an 'cute and adorable' puppy – only to find yourself hosting a one-dog demolition squad. Your anger at having your valuables damaged and ruined is entirely understandable.
But whether you should send your friend the bill is more of an emotional than a financial question.
When mothers are angry with their children for choosing a silk scarf for a tug-of-war tournament or expressing their artistic ambitions on the kitchen wall, they must find a healthy way to acknowledge and manage their anger, rather than acting out through overly harsh punishment or displacing it onto an innocent husband.
And displacing the anger onto your friend by making her 'pay for it' both literally and metaphorically, might not be the most reasonable course of action.
In Spanish, there is a saying, 'Si te gusta el durazno, bancate la pelusa' which translates to, 'if you like peaches, put up with the fuzz'. You can see where I am going with this.
No matter how 'good' a puppy has been described, it's still an animal in a new environment, likely reacting to the distress of being left behind by its owner. There is no predicting whether the puppy will cry and sulk, refuse food and pee on the carpet, or take it out by chewing shoes and biting furniture.
The reason you are using its behaviour to justify placing your anger on your friend is that she told you the puppy was 'cute and adorable.' That may well be true – but even cute and adorable creatures misbehave when upset: children throw tantrums and puppies can unravel in a new, confusing situation.
Before you ask your friend to pay for some or all of the damages, ask yourself: was this truly her fault or did you underestimate what taking care of a puppy actually involves – with all its adorable perks and messy drawbacks?
Imagine your mother offering to babysit your children for free, then asking you for compensation because they were difficult at bedtime.
As frustrated and angry as she might be, is payment going to help ease her anger and frustration? And would you see it as your fault that the children were unsettled being put to bed by their grandmother?
Perhaps halfway through the week, you realised that caring for the puppy was more hard work than you had anticipated and that you shouldn't have taken this commitment on, free of charge.
When we offer something for free and later regret it, we might be left feeling resentful. It sounds like that's what happened: the puppy 'gave you' less than it 'took' from you and you are trying to restore that balance (the gap between your expectations and the reality) by asking your friend to pay for it.
But also be aware of how the narrative takes on the shape of a personal betrayal. I wonder why that is? Why has this become about your friend misleading you? Is there a past dynamic (either between the two of you or you and other people in the past) that this tapped into? Is it possible that you sometimes interpret unfortunate situations as being done to you, rather than just happening around you?
I am not suggesting that you should have returned the puppy with a smile on your face and not mention what happened.
But with the perspective I have hopefully given you, try to separate what feels fair in this instance and ask yourself whether she is a 'bad friend' you want to distance with such a request, or a new dog owner who, like you, didn't consider that the lovely puppy could be a troublemaker when away from home.
What might actually help you process your feelings is an honest, open conversation with your friend. Maybe something along the lines of, 'I didn't realise how hard it is to look after a puppy and he was actually quite naughty while you were away unfortunately. I thought it would be fun and instead I am left feeling both stressed and a few hundred pounds out of pocket, to be totally honest with you'.
You might find that her empathic response is enough to help the anger dissipate. If she offers compensation, that might help too. And if she completely dismisses your feelings and becomes defensive, well – you will have learnt something about your friend and about the careful consideration (and boundaries) needed before making such a generous offer.
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