I was an alcoholic from the age of 14 – now at 37 I'm dying but consider myself lucky I hit rock bottom
WAKING up with a pounding headache, Abi Feltham feels herself in the grips of yet another hangover.
Stumbling downstairs bleary eyed, the then 14-year-old flicks the switch on the kettle in the hope of reviving herself.
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But rather than add a splash of milk to her brew, the teen splashes a glug of vodka into her cup instead.
It might seem shocking but to Abi, now 37, it was the habit of a lifetime that saw her fall into decades of alcohol abuse.
Abi says that she used booze to suppress " trauma" - which included losing her father after he took his own life when she was just three-years-old.
Abi, a content creator, from South West London, says: "I was really reliant on substances - my addiction issues grew as my mental health plummeted.
"Being alive and being me was too painful, so I didn't let myself sober up.'
She drank "everyday" from the aged 14, when Abi would sneak vodka into her cups of tea and hide empty bottles in her room.
At her worst, Abi was drinking two 700ml bottles of whiskey or vodka and six to eight small cans of beer a day.
It was only when the coronavirus lockdown forced her to return to her childhood home in Berkshire, in March 2020, that Abi was able to address her addiction issues.
Hiding bottles of booze in her childhood bedroom like she did as a teen was a "turning point" for Abi, she quit drinking on 1st April 2020 and turned her life around.
Four years into her sobriety, Abi was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumour, no relation to her drinking, and given 15 years to live.
She has undergone two brain surgeries, radiotherapy and chemo therapy, and must continue to have MRI scans "every few months" to monitor the growth of the tumour.
But despite her harrowing ordeal, optimistic Abi claims she still "has lots of living to do" and credits getting sober for preparing her to deal with "the challenge of cancer".
"When I finally got sober, it was like something clicked in my head,' she says.
"I knew I had to stop drinking forever.
"I was diagnosed with a brain tumour four years into my sobriety.
"I thought, 'thank god I'm dealing with this sober'.
"I wouldn't be able to deal with cancer if I was still drinking - I'm grateful to past me for sorting myself out so future me could deal with this."
Self-proclaimed "party girl" Abi drank throughout her teens, and knew "deep down" her drinking was "worse" than her fellow school friends.
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She went backpacking in 2011 aged 23 - where she found other people "drinking to escape" like her.
Abi worked in bars to hide her habit while backpacking around the world for ten years.
She said: "I would drink a lot. When it was at its worst I was going through a couple bottles of spirits a day.
"I would drink from the moment I woke up to when I would pass out in the evening.
"I have always struggled with mental health issues. I had a lot of trauma from a young age.
"I had a lot of loss and drinking was the only way to cope."
While she occasionally had relationships she ays that her boozing had a serious impact.
"I was always hungover, or on the way to the next hangover," she says.
"I became irrational, argumentative - it's very difficult to live harmoniously in a relationship because you're so erratic - you're drunk.
"I just wasn't capable of having relationships."
Her addiction issues ramped up when she moved to Canada in April 2019, and Abi ended up in a psychiatric hospital in February 2020, after going into "full on self-destruct mode".
Abi said: "There were so many events that should have been a wakeup call.
"My relationship broke-down because of my drinking, I lost my job for drinking a bottle of vodka at work, I started smoking crack and eventually attempted to take my own life and ended up on a psych ward.
Signs you might have a drinking problem
It can be tricky to spot the signs of alcohol dependence.
Doctors often tend to look for these specific signs:
Impaired control over alcohol use - not being able to control how long a drinking session is, how much alcohol you consume when you do drink, how frequently you drink, being unable to stop drinking once you start, or drinking on inappropriate occasions or at inappropriate places.
Giving increasing priority to alcohol - giving precedence to drinking over other daily activities and responsibilities, drinking is becoming more important to you than looking after your health, or carrying on drinking despite negative consequences for your health or life.
Unwanted physical or mental effects from drinking - showing signs of increased tolerance to alcohol (having to drink more for the same effect), experiencing withdrawal symptoms, or using alcohol to prevent or alleviate withdrawal symptoms.
If you think you may be drinking too much, or that your drinking is beginning to have a damaging effect on your life, Drinkaware also has a quick online test that can tell you if you should be concerned.
Source: Drinkaware
"But none of it was a wake up call, it was just another punch that I was rolling with."
Due to covid, Abi moved back home to Berkshire in March 2020 - where she tried to hide her addiction issues from her friends and family.
She said: "It was only when I was hiding bottles next to my bed in my childhood home, like I did when I was a teenager, that it hit me.
"I had a full circle moment where I felt like a mirror had been held up to my face."
Abi hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since her "moment of realisation" in April 2020 but admits that stopping cold turkey was "very dangerous".
"Withdrawal was really scary, I was bed bound, slipping in and out of consciousness, hallucinating, shivering and sweating for five days." she said.
"I was so lucky I didn't have seizures."
Four years into her sobriety, Abi started having headaches, nausea and brain fog but put it down to caffeine withdrawal in October 2023.
Eight months later, she was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumour in June 2024, and is now taking things "one day at a time" as she lives with terminal cancer.
She said: "I was told I have 15 years - I'm really stubborn though so I'll probably live until 100.
"I'm very grateful for the life I have - every day I'm filled with gratitude.
"Before I was diagnosed with cancer I was just going through the motions and not very happy.
"Now I'm more positive and enjoy life now that I'm faced with my own mortality.
"It's very clear to me how much good I have and I wouldn't want to waste another second not appreciating it."
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