Now that I am a bus driver extraordinaire, I can pass my wisdom on to you
'You'd have passed your test with that.'
The words, dear readers, of a veteran teacher of the good and great of Dublin's bus-driving community. Spoken to me, a mere mortal, after just half an hour of double-decker training after I reversed the behemoth into a bus parking space. I can die happy.
I was invited along to learn how to manoeuvre one of Dublin Bus's driver-training vehicles – the big red ones with the colossal L plates – as part of the company's bid to attract more female drivers into the fold. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to embark on a career swerve. Between the praise about my parking and the financial perils of freelance writing, I could do a lot worse than taking my skills professional.
I've always wanted to try driving a bus. Surely most people have? It's a job that many kids aspire to and an activity that appears both terrifying yet achievable at the same time. Because what is a bus if not an enormous car, except filled with precious cargo and larger than most other vehicles on the road? As my dear old dad said to me when I was first learning, 'If you can drive a car, you can drive anything.' In fairness, I think he meant that if you can drive a Nissan Almera you'd probably make a good fist of piloting a Ford Focus, but it was those words of encouragement ringing in my ears that propelled me behind the truly enormous steering wheel of a double-decker on Dublin's northside.
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When I signed up for the challenge I assumed I might be allowed to move the bus forwards a few feet and that would be that. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I'd be sailing around the practice yard of Phibsborough's Dublin Bus Training Centre, managing not to hit anything and completing the aforementioned testworthy parking manoeuvre. Tina was my instructor on the day, a woman of immense patience and communication skills. She started me off with the big three: brake, mirrors, wheels. Now that I am a bus driver extraordinaire, I can pass Tina's wisdom on to you.
I have been down on Dublin Bus in the past. I hope this won't affect my chances when I send in my application
The brake pedal on a bus is huge. Three times the size of the one in your car (I may have exaggerated that in my head but it's large, okay?). When driving the bus you must cover the entire brake pedal with your foot in order to gain any purchase. There's no point in daintily pumping with your toes because next thing you'll be through the window of a Spar and your bus driving career will be over.
The mirrors on the bus are also enormous. Tina was flat out reminding me to check them, and you really do have to swing your head from left to right to take them in because, as we've already covered, double-deckers are gargantuan. I've driven enough in Dublin city centre to know a cyclist can come out of nowhere, so I know as a bus driver I'd be a real mirror lickarse.
What Tina taught me about the wheels was what separated the Emer who arrived in a Nissan Juke from the Emer who left considering a career in transport. When you're driving a bus, the front wheels are
behind
you. Forget everything you've ever known about positioning a car on the road because once you're in charge of one of these monsters you've got several feet of bus nose to contend with before you're even starting to pivot. Those impatient car drivers who insist on pulling way ahead of the white line at a red traffic light are a bus driver's nemesis. How are they supposed to make that swing if Fiachra's Merc is snouting way out? Stay in your lane, Fiachra, the bus driver's front wheels are behind them, for the love of God! You know nothing of the titans of the open road!
I will admit that I have been down on Dublin Bus in the past, particularly when it comes to buses I've been waiting on that haven't shown up. I hope this won't affect my chances when I send in my application to join the ranks. There's an open day for any women who'd like to try being at the helm of a double decker on May 24th, and you can sign up at
dublinbus.ie
as long as you've held a full driving licence for two years. You can impress Tina and Co with your brake, mirrors, wheels knowledge. Tell them Emer sent you. They're probably still talking about my incredible reversing.
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