My Premier League alternative awards

Telegraph

7 days ago

The season is over, the trophy is hoisted, the medals have been handed out, the relegated teams have been sent their eviction notices. But what about the many aspects of the football season which are not covered by the traditional honours system in football?
It is time for the 2024/25 Premier League alternative awards.
The milk award for quote which aged badly
'Stay humble'
Erling Haaland talks down to Mikel Arteta after Manchester City's draw with Arsenal in September. City promptly begin a historic re-enactment of their Stuart Pearce / Brian Horton / Frank Clark years, Arsenal cruise off into the sunset. Admittedly they are joined, then overtaken by Liverpool. But scientists studying City's megablip in centuries to come will link it directly to Haaland's hubris.
The 1947 Cheval Blanc award for quote which aged extremely well
'I don't usually win things, I always win things in my second year. Nothing's changed. I've said it now. I don't say things unless I believe them.'
Ange Postecoglou after a 1-0 defeat to Arsenal in September. It seemed slightly optimistic at the time, then borderline delusional during the many lows which followed. Vindication last week in Bilbao, although let's check back this time next year about his words from the victory parade: 'All the best TV series, season three is better than season two.'
The Martin Lewis award for belt-tightening
Sir Jim Ratcliffe
The Gary Neville award for football manager who is better at going on Monday Night Football than managing football teams
Bronze
Gary O'Neil. Tactics community still applauding after he patiently explained how his Wolves beat Bournemouth in 2023, a moment he deserved to savour after being cast aside by Bournemouth. Some sympathy again for his sacking, this time by Wolves, last December. Although Wolves' performances under Vitor Pereira suggest O'Neil's message had lost its potency power. That and all the on-pitch arguments with players.
Silver
Ruud van Nistelrooy. Admittedly hasn't actually appeared yet but must be odds-on to do so before December, by which point enough time has passed for everyone to forget his Leicester horror show. Expect serious calls for 'someone' to 'give him another chance'. But we must never forget. Perhaps this video after one of his few wins will lodge it in our minds?
Ruud Van Nistelrooy made Steve Cooper hold 8 goals in the two games (vs Leicester) to replace him and make Lopetegui hold 3 in his first game.
The perfect inside job😂 pic.twitter.com/zIKrHVWECO
— (fan) PHÎ.ŁÎP  (@utdphiIip) December 3, 2024
Gold
Russell Martin. Clearly a charismatic and talented fellow. Tremendously engaging to listen to. Bright, personable, admirable. Also one of the men most responsible for this season's Southampton side.
The Esteban Cambiasso award for gifted genius just passing through English football
Dean Huijsen, who arrived at Bournemouth from Juventus for around £12 million last summer, played wonderfully and has now secured a move to Real Madrid for £50 million. Twenty years from now, this season is going to look very odd on his Wikipedia career summary. Did it even really happen?
The Birmingham library award for biggest aesthetic disgrace
Bronze
Artist's impressions of Manchester United's new stadium. Lovely circus tent you have there, Sir Jim.
Silver
Harry Kane's bronze statue. Plonked down in Walthamstow in November after finally being taken out of storage. Can it go back in?
Gold
Arsenal's tifo. The flag which lost a Champions League semi-final.
The David Bowie Blackstar award for best-managed exit
Jamie Vardy. Ended his Leicester career with a goal in his last match and a record of 500 appearances, 200 goals. So statistically satisfying he bunked off the final weekend.
The Seinfeld award for worst-managed exit
Award shared: Trent Alexander-Arnold from Liverpool, Gary Lineker from Match of the Day and David Coote from PGMOL.
The happy slap award for brief social media phenomenon that is already quite difficult to remember
#barclaysmen
The pub quiz MVP award for piece of trivia which should be committed to memory immediately
Who scored three penalties in the same game? Justin Kluivert for Bournemouth against Wolves in November. Please think of Telegraph Sport when you claim your free bottle of Prosecco.
The Oasis* award for most underwhelming return
Bronze
Ilkay Gundogan. Never go back. Especially not when your legs have gone and your old team is having a mental breakdown.
Silver
Graham Potter. Had left it long enough for everyone to forget his Chelsea experience when he arrived at West Ham. Is averaging fewer points per game than Julen Lopetegui.
Gold
Jadon Sancho. Seemingly revitalised, slightly, by loan move to Borussia Dortmund last season. Has contributed three goals and four assists from 31 Chelsea games. Those are old-school full-back numbers, not the impact you need from a one-time generational talent.