Keir Starmer is about as frightening as a stick of celery… but I'm more scared of him than Putin – here's why
CAN you imagine what would have happened if Neville Chamberlain – our Prime Minister when Germany invaded Poland – had announced Britain was in grave danger and, as a result, would increase funding for the Armed Forces and therefore be ready to do 'war fighting' by 1975.
Or maybe a bit later.
Hitler would have just laughed at him.
But that's exactly what happened this week when Sir Starmer announced that because of Russia's expansionist tendencies, he was going to totally overhaul our Armed Forces so we'd be ready to fight, and fight hard by, er, some point in the future.
He would build 12 new nuclear subs, and a wave of new fighter-bombers that could rain atomic death on our enemies.
And in addition, our fighting men and women, and all those who are neither, would be trained to become ten times more effective and lethal.
According to Starmer, we'd go from a country that can't even stop a rubber dinghy reaching the shores of Kent to a country that would shake fear into the entire Russian naval machine.
It all sounds a bit preposterous, frankly, because first of all, where's the money coming from?
He's already spent what little he had on train drivers, junior doctors and solar parks.
So how can he suddenly afford 12 new submarines and a murder of fighter jets so complex they haven't even been invented yet.
And who's he going to get to operate all this new kit, and run around in the muddy trenches, shooting at Ivan?
Back in the Thirties, everyone in the country knew their duty.
Not any more. Everyone's too busy shoplifting or choosing a gender or glueing themselves to the road.
From tactical nuke to 7,600mph missile & 50k-troop assault…6 ways Putin could respond to Ukraine blitz after Trump call
There's another issue too. As we have seen in the Ukraine war, an entire squadron of bombers can now be destroyed by someone with a lorry and a few drones, made from stuff you can buy for a tenner at Dixons.
But by far the biggest problem we have is Keir Starmer himself, because he is very possibly the least war-like leader the world has ever seen.
He is a stick of celery in a crap suit.
Putin ran the KGB. So at one point he will definitely have used his thumbs to push a man's eyes into his brain.
Starmer hasn't done that. Starmer is a human rights lawyer.
If the balloon went up, he'd be on the side of a trans person who refused to fight until gender-neutral lavatories were provided on the battlefield.
He can make as many 'war fighting' speeches as he likes but we know he doesn't even understand what he's on about.
He's just making noises to try to make himself look tough. But he isn't tough. He's as frightening as Will from The Inbetweeners.
You'd only have to snap his spectacles and he'd give in immediately.
And he's in the hot seat for four more years. That scares me more than Putin does.
RIGHT OFF THE MARK
THE BBC told us this week that because Geert Wilders, the far-right leader of a party in the Netherlands, had left the ruling coalition, the government was in disarray.
I'm always confused by the Beeb's idea of 'far right' because I've looked into the man and he's a long way from Hitler.
He just wants a firm stance on immigration and an end to what he calls the 'Muslimification' of his country.
In short, he's about as far to the right as Starmer is to the left.
So how come the BBC never refers to our Prime Minister as 'far left'?
Out of the Goop for 40 years
4
4
AS you probably heard, I had a bit of a problem with my heart last autumn.
And if you want to know what caused it, have a look at the last two episodes of Clarkson's Farm, which are out now.
There's no doubt in my mind that the unbelievable stress of opening a pub while trying to do the harvest caused the issue.
Well, that and 40 years of living a life that in no way mirrored Gwyneth Paltrow 's.
Game over, kids
OBVIOUSLY, when I die, my farm will be confiscated by the Government so they can smother it with solar panels and sustainable houses for hard-working families in the immigrant community.
Until then, however, it's mine, which is why I spent a chunk of the week clearing a stream, removing undergrowth and various trees that have fallen over so my grandkids are able to spend their afternoons in it, sploshing about, playing Pooh sticks and building dams.
I may have been wasting my time though because a survey by the NSPCC has found that today, many children prefer to sit at home, on their iPads, all by themselves. Only a quarter regularly play with another child.
This is a worry because a child that's spent its formative years shooting aliens in the face and watching mindless American cartoons is going to have no understanding of how to behave in society.
They're going to meet people they don't like, and hear things they find offensive, and they're going to fall over occasionally and graze their knees. And they will have no idea how to cope.
So they'll become intolerant and bitter and angry, lashing out at every little thing.
And pretty soon, we'll end up, er… pretty much where we are now.
With an entire generation of young adults who learned everything they know from sitting in their bedrooms. And think they can be excused from any responsibility by simply dreaming up an acronym for whatever they think is wrong with them.
Hmmm. I'm no businessman and I'm terrible at maths.
But if I wanted a flag from this particular battle, I'd probably go for the cheaper one.
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an hour ago
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The Herald Scotland
an hour ago
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Reform is a serious political force in Scotland but Tories in trouble
Formerly a seat where the SNP could be confident of winning a substantial majority, Hamilton is now a marginal seat for the first time, with a Labour majority of just 602 votes over the SNP. Reform UK is clearly on the march in Scotland, and this result bears out the surge in support for the party seen in British-wide opinion polls so far this year, with over a quarter of voters who turned out in Hamilton casting their vote for the party. Read more It would be wrong to read too much into one by-election result. By-elections are unusual events, where governments tend to lose support, people may vote in protest and turnout is typically much lower than at Holyrood elections. Nonetheless, the result in Hamilton will matter to all Scotland's parties for its symbolic importance ahead of next May's Scottish Parliament elections. For Scottish Labour, this by-election win will help to reverse the recent narrative of Labour decline. Following the party's slump in the polls over the last 10 months, the result signals that Labour can still win in Scotland and will put wind back in the party's sails. It underlines that listening to and acting on voters' concerns can help to turn the party's fortunes around – Keir Starmer's announcement of a U-turn on cuts to the winter fuel payment may well have helped the party's popularity among voters in Hamilton. The win will also give the UK Labour Party a much-needed boost, after its heavy losses in parts of England at May's local elections, losing the Runcorn by-election to Reform UK and trailing 7 points behind Reform UK in the polls UK-wide. Nigel Farage is less popular in Scotland than he is in England (Image: free) The result is a major blow to the SNP, who were widely tipped to win the seat. While incumbent governments tend to suffer at by-elections, Hamilton, Larkhall and Stonehouse is the kind of central belt seat that the SNP will need to retain if it is to hold onto power in Scotland next May. This result is an early sign that that will be a tough contest. The SNP has topped recent national polls, with a double-digit lead over Scottish Labour – a remarkable position for a party that has been in power in Scotland for 18 years. This by-election will be an unwelcome reminder that voters' preferences can and do shift. While John Swinney is widely seen as having steadied the ship since his election as party leader last May – and is the least unpopular of any of the party leaders among voters – this result suggests more turbulent times may lie ahead for the SNP. Reform UK were the unknown quantity ahead of this by-election. Their performance in Hamilton, finishing less than 1,000 votes behind the SNP, proves that the party can attract significant swathes of voters north of the border as well as in England. The result emphasises that Reform UK are now a serious political force in Scotland. Ahead of the next Holyrood elections, the party has a real opportunity to paint itself as the home for voters who want change. While Nigel Farage is less popular in Scotland than he is in England, this does not appear to have been holding the party back in the polls – reflecting that the rise of Reform UK may be being driven by wider public dissatisfaction and the unpopularity of other parties more than by views of its leadership. The result signals continued gloom for the Conservatives in Scotland. While the party was widely expected to come fourth, this was a poor result for Russell Findlay's party, who managed to hang onto their deposit with 6% of the vote. Read more The pattern seen in recent Scotland polls of the Conservatives haemorrhaging voter support to Reform has been borne out at this by-election. On this evidence, the Conservatives have a mountain to climb if they are to convince Scottish voters to lend them their votes next May. Will the result in Hamilton turn out to be a sign of which way the electoral winds are blowing ahead of Holyrood elections next May? It certainly underlines that this is a time of volatility in Scottish politics and shifting voter preferences. While Anas Sarwar and his team will take heart from this win, Scottish Labour's fortunes are closely connected with those of the UK party. How Scotland's voters are feeling about the UK Government's performance under Keir Starmer's leadership is likely to be an important factor shaping voter support at the ballot box. If it is to take seats from the SNP next May, Scottish Labour needs to show those who voted for the UK party at the General Election because of issues like public services, the cost of living and inequality that they were right to do so. Emily Gray, Managing Director, Ipsos Scotland
