Four ways to get a stubborn man to go to the doctor

Telegraph

29-03-2025

Five years ago during lockdown, chartered surveyor Matthew Black started having stomach problems and lost an unusual amount of weight. He went from a 'slightly rotund 82kg down to 68kg'. 'Suddenly my jeans were fitting better but I put it down to eating salads at home. The last thing I wanted was to take up valuable doctors' time with a rather pathetic stomach ache. Plus what happens if it's bad news? I didn't want to know.'
He was listless, with no energy. On his son's 18th birthday 'miserable Dad' ended up in bed early. His accountant wife Stef had had enough. Their daughter Holly bundled him into the car and took him to the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead to get checked out. After an MRI scan and blood tests, they found a blockage in his colon. After a nine-hour operation, and the removal of a 9cm by 6cm tumour, he spent 11 days in hospital.
Black, who is an ambassador for bowel cancer charities, is particularly aware he should have been more observant about cancer signs – his sister Harriette had died of pancreatic cancer a year earlier at age 55. 'Being a typical bloke I didn't think it could happen to me. Little did I know.'
He credits Stef with saving his life. 'She said: 'I'm sorry to push you, but I'm worried.' Later I did a TV programme with the late, great Deborah James, where I was explaining that it was Stef who noticed my body had changed. And Deborah said doctors' ears prick up immediately when they hear a patient has come to see them because their partner is concerned. Because they're the most important audience.'
Today Black, 60, is fully recovered. 'The reason I tell my story is to say – please don't ignore symptoms and get yourself checked regularly. It's a weird thing to say but cancer gave me a voice.'
According to a 2022 paper from the drug company Merck, men undergo far fewer preventive check-ups than women, 43 per cent compared to 61 per cent.
Yes, women can prevaricate about help too, but on average men die earlier, become ill at a younger age and develop more chronic illnesses than women. They are also up to 50 per cent less likely to seek medical attention.
So why do men do this? Partly it's the stoical masculine stereotype that invites self-deception. 'You could call it motivated overlooking', says Ziyad Marar, the author of Intimacy and the forthcoming Noticing: How we Attend to the World and Each Other.
'While a woman will ask everyone for directions to her destination and get there, a man would rather stay lost than ask for outside help,' says Phillip Hodson, a psychotherapist.
'For men it evokes great shame, and stress hormones get released, and then you're much less likely to be pro-social and engage in getting help,' says Dr Ed Rainbow, a GP specialising in men's health and wellbeing.
Of course persuading another adult to take care of themselves can be tricky. You can't drag them to the doctor kicking and screaming like a child. 'Men generally are more likely to think; 'Oh it will go away. If I work hard, do some exercise, look at how much I'm drinking.' But that's not the way to go, obviously,' says semi-retired GP Chris Browne.
'As healthcare professionals, we see a lot of people who present too late. That particularly applies to anything cancerous, prostate, bowel, stomach, lung, and we try all the time to advertise how good it is to get checked. Because if you're in the 97 per cent of people for whom it's OK, it's good to know that.'
So how do experts advise we get them to make that crucial appointment?
1. Reframe the narrative
Therapist Stephen Joseph, author of Think Like A Therapist: Six Life-Changing Insights for Leading A Good Life explains that cajoling or pushing people can often have the opposite effect. You might say: 'I'm worried about you', but then give the person space to talk about it. Don't jump in immediately with advice, but listen actively, and help the person come to their own solutions.
'Be subtle enough to let the person come to his/her own conclusion,' says Murar. 'It's the psychology of persuasion. Normalise the behaviour by pointing to the fact that it would be odd if they didn't go and see the doctor.'
'Don't forget to be gentle with them' explains Dr Rainbow. If all else fails pull together some accurate factual information around symptoms that will help them make the decision of their own accord.
2. Acknowledge their fear
Your partner might be embarrassed to admit they're scared or nervous, says Phillip Hodson, a psychotherapist. Others, explains Dr Rainbow, might deflect how they're feeling with humour. 'Some men can't stop cracking jokes even if there's really awful stuff,' he says. 'Essentially, it's a way of trying to deal with whatever's going on – or not deal with it.'
It's important to take a step back and decode the jokes and remind yourself of how anxious they might be. Say something like, 'I do understand it's difficult to risk getting bad news. You're good at covering it up, but I know you're worried.' Similarly it's hard to predict exactly what may be worrying them. Remember to be reassuring, saying things like 'we'll cope financially'. Men may panic that they can't afford to be absent or take time off work. Also don't catastrophise. Talk about the good things that can happen if they do go to the doctor, not the bad ones that might happen if they don't.
3. Big up the family angle
Try things like 'We want you around. You've got to be the Dad. You've got to be here when the children are older,' advises Black. Avoid saying 'You're being selfish' or, 'If you don't go to the doctor, I'll leave you.' Guilt is not a good motivator. It makes us feel defensive. Although it is worth reminding them that their health impacts the whole family, not just you.'
Teenage children can also be powerful allies, says Dr Browne. 'Because kids will notice stuff they don't verbalise. If there's a family discussion about health, these things often come up.' Remind them how much they mean to you and that you're only asking them to look after themselves because you love them. 'Appeal to the man as the carer, the strong one, by saying, how do you expect to look after anyone else if you haven't looked after yourself?' says Murar.
4. Offer practical solutions
Taking the practical lead might take some of the pressure off. Start by trying to get a telephone chat with the doctor into their diary. Most practices will offer telephone consultation or virtual consultation, says Dr Browne. 'If you've got a mole, that's changed, the technology is so good with mobile phones now. With very reluctant men, it's OK to contact the man's GP and say: 'I'm really concerned. Could you invite him for a check up?'' says Dr Browne. 'He'll get a text/email saying it's time to have your check, please make an appointment. Then if he shows that to his partner, she can say: 'I'm really happy to come with you, if that would help'. Another good trick is to say: 'My friend at work had a check, and got the all-clear. It took half an hour. Why don't you do the same?''
It's also important to lead by example. Make sure you know your cholesterol, blood sugar and blood pressure numbers (everyone between 40 to 74 is eligible for a free NHS health check every five years). Do the 60+ bowel self-test. That way you'll be in optimum health if you need to support them through illness/treatment.
In the end if your partner rejects your offer to help don't insist. At the end of the day, their health is their responsibility, no matter how much you love them. You can return to it another time when they're in a more receptive state.