The secret diary of . . . Ryan Bridge
MONDAY
Good morning to everybody in New Zealand especially the estimated 17 viewers who have tuned into the brand new morning show Herald Now .
It's great to be back on TV and talking to you once again from a TV studio although I suppose it isn't really TV, it's a video livestream on the NZME website, and it's not really a TV studio, it's a desk someone knocked up in the weekend and chucked in a corner of the Herald newsroom.
The paint's still a bit wet and I had to borrow a chair. They will probably want it back. That's the beauty of live TV. You just don't know what's going to happen next. Or if anything is going to happen. It could go either way.
But it's exciting to work out of the Herald offices, where morale is at an all-time high. Look, there goes a newspaper journalist behind me, probably on his way to breaking a major news story. He's walking past with a cup of tea. He's sitting down at his desk. He's looking into the middle distance with what appears to be a look of utmost despair.
It's that sense of excitement I'm hoping to channel as the host of Herald Now .
TUESDAY
Good morning New Zealand, especially our two new viewers. Many of you have been asking after the health of that journalist we saw yesterday. Well, he's back, and right now he's banging his head on the desk.
Well, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. You may remember me as the presenter of a morning TV news programme on Newshub until the whole network went belly-up. It was a failed business model. I'll be joined on Herald Now sometimes by Herald reporter Michael Morrah, who worked with me at Newshub, and Ill also be talking with Garth Bray, who used to work at Fair Go until it went belly-up over at TVNZ, which declared programmes like Fair Go and Sunday were failed business models.
It's all just part of the exciting new direction of Herald Now .
WEDNESDAY
Good morning New Zealand, especially Prime Minister Christopher Luxon who is my guest today. He's looking great, isnt he? He's looking every inch the leader of a centre-right coalition government which is holding firm against the dire threat of a communist take-over by the Labour Party, aided and abetted by the loonies from the Green Party. They want to release violent criminals. They want us to take the bus to work. They want to take your hard-earned money, and spend it on hospitals and schools. We must never allow this to happen. We must fight evil in all its manifest left-wing forms.
Thank you Prime Minister for taking the time to appear on Herald Now . I understand you went to see the new Mission Impossible last week. Did you enjoy it?
THURSDAY
Good morning New Zealand, especially Steven Joyce, who takes up his new position as head of NZME next Tuesday. Steven, if you're watching, I want you to know that Herald Now is set to transform the way Kiwis get their news in record numbers. The audience has grown to over two dozen this week and the feedback we're getting is that many viewers are wondering whether the paint on my desk has dried yet.
I think I'm just going to keep that a bit of a mystery.
FRIDAY
Good morning New Zealand, and no, do not adjust your set. I'm not sitting behind a desk. I'm standing behind it. The person whose chair I borrowed has taken it back.
I asked that journalist you saw earlier this week if I could borrow his chair but he bared his teeth, picked up the chair, threw it through a window and then jumped out after it. He must really have valued that chair. Have a great King's Birthday Weekend, everyone!
By Steve Braunias
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