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The Guardian
08-03-2025
- The Guardian
I adore my children. I'm also scared that one day my son will kill me
I am staring at the faces of women on my screen, transfixed by emotions too complex to disentangle; discernible, though, are grief, rage... and fear. For the women pictured are some of the more than 170 who have been killed by their sons in the UK in the past 15 years. Their appalling tragedy – being killed by the person to whom they gave life – has a chilling resonance. Like many of those whose deaths have been highlighted in the 2,000 Women report by the Femicide Census, I am a professional with adored adult children and a close circle of friends. I am also frightened of my son. The women's backstories are all too familiar – that is, an adult son with mental health and social problems, drug misuse, neurological diagnoses and a history of controlling and violent behaviour. Invariably, the perpetrators have fallen through every net designed to safeguard them. Often such a net never existed. It is a peculiar place to inhabit, to be simultaneously scared of your son while desperately wanting to hold and support him. It is hard enough to walk away from an abusive partner, let alone your child, whose vulnerabilities and misery claw at the heart. My son lives in a state of deep unhappiness, prey to stimuli he can't filter, fraught social encounters, chronic anxiety and physical discomfort. Life is bewildering, painful, hard. At 24, he is a young man with learning disabilities and no hope of any of the aspirations of neurotypical peers: no career ladder, no partner, no festivals or functional friendships. Life is something to be battled and endured. I would not spend a minute in his shoes. He needs me for support, advocacy and protection. He still sleeps with his security blanket. I can't and won't walk away. But I often wish I could. On my phone is a recent text, the words 'fucking cunt' written repeatedly. It was sent because I had blocked his calls after being asked the same question for 20 minutes. I was at work. He rang a further 76 times. Such messages are common, as is driving somewhere while he violently elbows the seat close to me – the list of challenging behaviours is exhaustive and exhausting. It is not just autistic meltdowns caused by an inability to regulate emotions but an expression of deep-seated mental health problems. In the photographs, I see resilient, smart, smiling women – doing their best to live normally against a backdrop of abnormality few can relate to. I am paralysed with sorrow for them, as I am for the mainly young men who killed the one person who loved and supported them the most. In many instances the women sought help. The inquest into the death of Sally Poynton, 44, stabbed repeatedly by her 22-year-old son Jacob Poynton-Whiting during a severe psychotic episode in June 2021, found that her death could have been avoided if her son's mental health condition had been diagnosed sooner. She had tried more than 20 times to get help for him. That matricide is largely linked to mental health is borne out by research that is soon to be published. It was reported last week that academics Prof Rachel Condry and Dr Caroline Miles, from the universities of Oxford and Manchester, in collaboration with the Femicide Census, have found that in cases of women being killed by their sons and grandsons from 2009-2021, 70% involved perpetrators with mental health problems. Yet help is too often either not forthcoming or ineffectual because, in the words of the British Medical Association, our mental health and social care systems are 'broken'. In its Mental Health Report 2024, the BMA pointed to key areas it said needed 'urgent action' including underfunding; lack of trained staff in health and social care; and support systems operating in silos. In our case, my son does not merit a dedicated social worker because he isn't perceived to be in crisis. That he isn't thriving physically or emotionally is not reason enough to intervene. The social care system is reactively predicated – action happens when a crisis presents, not when it might have been prevented. As for mental health, like many adults on the autistic spectrum, he falls through the gaps. There have been no mental health interventions since he turned 18 and ceased to be eligible for the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service. Yet my son desperately needs therapeutic input to help manage his anxiety, depression and emotions, alongside medications prescribed by an expert in his diagnoses, which include autism, pathological demand avoidance, ADHD and OCD. Medication is managed by a GP who, while competent, is not trained specifically in mental health and neurodivergent conditions. Crucially, he needs help navigating his complex feelings towards me. A misfiring mother-son relationship isn't, of course, confined to the neurodivergent, nor is it new. The Orestes complex, in which a son harbours the unconscious desire to kill his mother, is a parable dating back to ancient Greece. Friends complain of walking on eggshells around sullen adult neurotypical sons. But during flashpoints, their sons roll their eyes or behave peevishly. With a son who is hostage to unregulated emotions, flashpoints can be tragically fatal. This is where societal structures should save lives. Mental health support that offers tools to manage emotions, joined up with a social care system that enables those with behavioural and social challenges to thrive. And residential and supported living that offers community, activities and cohesion, rather than simply warehousing vulnerable people. Yet such a picture seems depressingly far off, and I fear this year won't have been the last International Women's Day marked by reports of failings that led to deaths and shattered families. It is inevitably parents, particularly mothers, who bear the brunt of systemic failures and step in to support volatile, troubled sons. That they may be in danger is often overlooked; Condry points to a case where a man's medical notes said he shouldn't be left alone with female staff, 'but nobody had questioned whether he should live on his own with his mother'. My son was removed from the house in 2018, not because he was attacking me but because there were minors present. I remain very involved in his care, but at times I feel unsafe. Sitting in the quiet of my house, it seems dramatic to write these next words, but had he remained living with me, I believe my picture could have been among those women. I can't say it never will be.
The Guardian
05-03-2025
- Health
- The Guardian
More than 170 mothers killed by their sons in 15 years in UK, report reveals
Nearly one in 10 of all women who died at the hands of men in the UK over the past 15 years were mothers killed by their sons, a report reveals. Data analysing the deaths of 2,000 women killed by men since 2009 has given an unprecedented insight into the hidden scourge of matricide, with more than 170 mothers killed by their sons. The statistics have led to calls for the government to take specific action to tackle matricide, raise awareness of the risk of sons to mothers and provide support for victims. The 2,000 Women report by the Femicide Census, seen by the Guardian, shows that mental ill health was a factor in 58% of matricide cases. Women were often left 'paying the price' for state failures, said Karen Ingala Smith, a co-founder of the campaign group. 'Male violence against mothers is a largely unrecognised but brutal reality,' she said. 'What we see in these figures is the tip of the iceberg. These are the women who have been killed, but there will be many more hidden victims out there living their lives in absolute misery.' Experts said mental health problems and substance abuse, along with grownup children spending longer living with their parents due to a lack of affordable housing, were some of the key factors behind the killings. Misogyny was also cited, with mothers sometimes considered a 'safe space' for children to mete out violence. Soon-to-be published research by academics Prof Rachel Condry and Dr Caroline Miles, from the universities of Oxford and Manchester, in collaboration with the Femicide Census, found that in cases of women being killed by their sons and grandsons from 2009-2021, 70% involved perpetrators with mental health problems. Despite this, there is no specific prevention policy for mothers who are caring for mentally ill sons, said Condry. 'Parents who are experiencing [violence from their children] often don't identify it as a form of domestic abuse, and it's incredibly difficult for them to seek help or for the problem to be recognised,' she said. The Femicide Census report examines 2,000 legally completed cases of women killed by men in the UK over 15 years from 2009 and gathers data from freedom of information requests to police as well as media reports. The Guardian's Killed women count project reported on every woman allegedly killed by a man last year. They included Mayawati Bracken, 56, who was killed by her 18-year-old son Julian in her car near their Berkshire family home before the teenager killed himself. Bhajan Kaur, 76, was murdered by her son Sundeep Singh, 48, after he had been arrested on suspicion of controlling and coercive behaviour amid rows over ownership of the family home after his father's death. Tina Bauld, 55, was repeatedly stabbed outside her home in Leicester by her 23-year-old son Gregor, who was later diagnosed with schizophrenia. The Femicide Census report provides 'the clearest picture of men's fatal violence in the UK' currently available, according to its authors. In a series of bleak statistics that will put pressure on the government to deliver on a promise to halve violence against women and girls in a decade, the analysis shows that one woman has been killed every three days in the UK since 2009. Figures showed 90% of the killers were family, partners or known to the victim, while 61% of women were killed by a current or former partner. About 80% of the killings were committed in the home of either the victim or perpetrator. 'This is a 2,000 women line in the sand,' said the Femicide Census cofounder Clarrie O'Callaghan. 'This Labour government has committed to halve violence against women. The data is here, we know what the issues are. Now is the time not only to tackle male violence against women, but end it.' The report, published before International Women's Day on Saturday, reveals that: Sign up to First Edition Our morning email breaks down the key stories of the day, telling you what's happening and why it matters after newsletter promotion 61% of women were killed by a current or former partner, 9% of women were killed by their sons, 6% by other family members, 15% by other men they knew and 10% by someone they did not know. Of the 213 women killed by a close family member, 80% were mothers killed by sons. Nearly half of women were stabbed, 27% strangled and 17% hit with a blunt instrument. In 16% of cases, a man used kicking, hitting or stamping as the weapon. In almost a quarter of cases, more than one form of violence was used. Overkill – the use of excessive, gratuitous violence beyond that necessary to cause the victim's death – happened in 59% of femicides. Leicestershire had the highest rate of femicide over the period, followed by Merseyside, the West Midlands, Greater Manchester and London. Killed women involved in prostitution were younger and less likely to have been born in the UK. Children witnessed at least 163 femicides, while 37 women were killed alongside 53 children, most commonly by their father. The report also sheds light on the sentences given to men found guilty of killing women. While 60% of men who killed women were found guilty of murder, 22% were found guilty of manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility or culpable homicide and 12% killed themselves. The shortest time served for a murderer was nine years, the longest 47. Only 20 convicted murderers, just 1% of men convicted, received whole-life terms. The authors also suggest 'manslaughter is a controversial crime'. Of the 229 men convicted of manslaughter before 2020, only 18 remain in custody. Other men avoided prison entirely. The report gives the example of one who a pathologist suggested had slit his wife's throat from behind. He claimed self-defence. 'It was accepted that he killed her, although our justice system provided him with an absolute defence and he walked free,' the report said. The data also suggests a marked difference in the cases of sons convicted of manslaughter by reason of diminished responsibility, compared with partners or ex-partners. While 76% of sons convicted of the crime were sent to a mental health facility, that was the case for only 42% of partners and former partners. Jess Phillips, the violence against women and girls minister, said the report demonstrated 'the appalling scale of femicide and rightly highlights that we must go further to end men's fatal violence'. 'One dead woman is one woman too many – but here we have 2,000,' she said. 'This is a fight that demands the very best from all of us and we must rise to the occasion.' In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or email jo@ or jo@ In the US, you can call or text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988, chat on or text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counsellor. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at
