24-05-2025
The truth about people who grew up in families who never apologized
Leo Tolstoy said it best with the opening of "Anna Karenina." "Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." But what about families who never apologize? A therapist's recent TikTok, with 1.3 million views, asserted "people who grew up in families where no one apologized after disagreements and would just let time pass instead of resolving things, often become anxious adults who over-explain, over-communicate and feel uneasy until things are settled."
This theory may not be true for everyone, mental health professionals say, but it's a potential consequence worth unpacking.
"When families don't apologize, it often means that there's an environment of emotional invalidation, and ingrained beliefs about perfection," says Regine Galanti, a clinical psychologist. "Apologies are viewed as a negative thing because they admit that you might have made a mistake, which is uncomfortable for most people. When you take apologies off the table, though, you teach family members that it's not OK to acknowledge mistakes, which often makes people think that it's not OK to make mistakes."
Maybe your parents argued over someone forgetting an anniversary. Or your siblings squabbled about whose turn it was to empty the dishwasher. Whatever the case, arguments silly and serious affect families of all kinds. But "growing up in a home where no one ever apologizes may take an emotional toll," says Amy Morin, psychotherapist, author of "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" and the host of a podcast.
This will look different for different families. But "when people minimize, dismiss or deny someone's experience, they inevitably create feelings of hurt, anger and a sense of invisibility in others," says Cecille Ahrens, a licensed clinical social worker. "People will then cope with these emotions in all sorts of ways, depending on how conflict was modeled to them, their personal histories, their temperament to name a few factors. These experiences often create insecure and anxious attachment styles which then impact all of their future relationships until they get the support they deserve."
So, if your home included atypical communication patterns, expect it to potentially affect how you apologize (or don't) as an adult.
"Often, relationships go through a cycle of rupture and repair," Morin says. "That means, speaking up for yourself or creating a boundary to rupture the status quo that isn't working. Then, as part of the repair, apologies are often necessary." No apology, little opportunity for repair.
Never apologizing may even lead to mental health issues. "If you've internalized the belief that your emotions aren't important, or that mistakes are signs of weakness or that conflict is to be avoided at all cost, those are unhealthy thinking patterns that can keep you trapped in anxiety or depression," Galanti says.
You should look inward and consider whether you grew up in a family who never apologized, and how that affects your life today. Seek support from people you trust, Ahrens says.
Therapy, in turn, can help you untangle the past to better connect to your present and future and prioritize healthy communication. And you should consider avoiding triggers as you can, including spending time with certain family members that hurt you. Or at least have a self-care plan in place, like taking deep breaths or stepping away from a conversation if it spirals into a hurricane-level storm.
Overall, focus on your own feelings and seek support as you need, especially if feelings grow untenable and, as Ahrens says, "are having a significant impact on your functioning and quality of life."
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Relationship issues: What happens when families never apologize
