Latest news with #ArthurC.Brooks
Atlantic
08-05-2025
- Lifestyle
- Atlantic
Is Your Ego Too Loud? Here's How to Hush It.
Want to stay current with Arthur's writing? Sign up to get an email every time a new column comes out. We live in an age of loud egos. Scholars have documented a large increase since the late 1970s in the percentage of people with a narcissistic personality, a trend that is especially clear among young adults. Social media has made it possible to amplify that trait far and wide, to the extent that we now have an entire cultural class of people we call 'influencers' dedicated to broadcasting themselves via new technology. And that new class constantly generates new aspirants to membership: According to one survey, more than half of young people today say they want to be an influencer. A similar incentive structure undergirds our media-driven political system. Where once politics attracted people with a strong public-service ethic and traditional virtues of modesty and humility, now it rewards leaders and activists—on both the left and right—who are performative and self-interested. The increase in loud egos has coincided with declines in well-being. The rate of depression in the United States has risen to its highest level on record. Behavioral science offers a compelling thesis that may explain what we're seeing, as a result of what has been termed the 'self-reflection paradox.' An intense focus on self is an evolved trait, scientists suggest, because it confers competitive advantages in mating and survival. But research has also shown that to be so focused on self can be a primary source of unhappiness and maladjustment. So what appears to be happening is that we have developed culture and technology that together supercharge this primal drive of self-reflection—to such an unhealthy and unnatural extent that it has the paradoxical effect of ruining our lives. Where this grim trend will take our society I have no idea, but I do know that there are measures you can take to protect your well-being—short of checking out and moving to a Himalayan monastery. Unless that is actually what you want to do, then the secret to staying happy amid a culture of loud ego is to adopt for yourself the opposite strategy: cultivate a quiet ego. Arthur C. Brooks: You can do leisure better, seriously Quiet ego is not a term I invented; two psychologists introduced it in 2008. In later research, they defined it as 'a self-identity that is neither excessively self-focused nor excessively other-focused—'an identity that incorporates others without losing the self.'' They measured quiet ego with a survey that asked respondents to say whether they agreed with statements such as 'Before criticizing somebody, I try to imagine how I would feel if I were in their place' and 'For me, life has been a continuous process of learning, changing, and growth.' (You can see the Quiet Ego Scale in the appendix here.) The researchers found that people possessing quiet ego showed 'inclusive identity' (they thought about others and not just themselves), 'perspective taking' (they saw things from others' point of view), 'growth' (they believed they could improve), and 'detached awareness' (they were able to observe themselves with some distance, a skill I have referred to previously as 'metacognition')—which is the opposite of an egotistical self-focus. In less technical language, quiet ego involves the virtues of charity, humility, self-awareness, and hope. In another collaboration, the same psychologists who coined quiet ego found that, on average, quiet ego raises happiness. It is associated with better mood balance, superior life satisfaction, and a greater sense of life's meaning. Those four virtues help people who possess them get along with others, not take themselves too seriously, understand and manage their own emotions, and see the way toward a better future. Quiet ego also has protective qualities, because it enables people to deal effectively with life's inevitable problems, even big ones. Researchers find that possessing a quiet ego is associated with a capacity for growth after traumatic experiences, which means such positive psychological changes as stronger relationships, appreciation for life, and deeper spirituality. Studies have shown how this can apply, for example, to mothers raising children with disabilities or unemployed people looking for a job. Research has demonstrated a positive correlation between quiet ego and such personality traits as extroversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and openness to experience. No research has suggested that a given personality type is incompatible with quiet ego—with the possible exception of the Dark Triad, which is high in narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. But quiet ego probably comes more easily to some people than to others. Arthur C. Brooks: Why are young people everywhere so unhappy? In a world of loud egos and increasing unhappiness, the countercultural strategy is to cultivate your quiet ego. This starts by questioning a great deal of conventional wisdom, which tells you to prioritize yourself before others, to seek 'your truth' rather than the truth, and to see the future as grim and beyond your capacity to do anything about it. Even if we set aside the research findings (which I have covered more than once in The Atlantic, as have others), a casual look at the statistics that show deteriorating mental health suggests how ill-advised the conventional wisdom is as a guide to well-being. So create your plan for acquiring the four constituent virtues of quiet ego. One way I like to do this is through two questions and two affirmations. The first question is 'What do others need that only I can provide?' This empowers me to do what is uniquely under my control for the people who depend on me. Only I can be a husband, father, and grandfather to my family—because I am by definition those things already—so I focus on doing those jobs generously and well. Likewise, only I can teach my class and write my column today, so I pay attention to performing these tasks to the best of my ability. Others can follow the news and complain about the government as well as I can, so I try to ensure that this gets a lot less of my energy and attention. The second question is 'What can be better around me, and how can I help bring it about?' This involves regularly scouring my personal and professional environment for areas of improvement. Sometimes, this means reconsidering my schedule to make sure it's not getting in the way of my family life (which is a constant tendency for me). It might mean thinking creatively about what issue or topic I can write or speak about that could use some public attention. Or it might be some cause or activity that I should support charitably with my time or money. Then the first affirmation I try to make daily is 'I might be wrong.' In truth, I am wrong, about many things. I just don't know what they are yet. The only way to find out, and be more correct, is to maintain the humble attitude that in any contested area—which is almost all of my professional field of behavioral science—I could be wrong; I must therefore be open to alternative viewpoints and new data. You can see how this approach to quieting ego helps: It makes me curious, rather than prickly, and attracted to opinions different from mine. The second affirmation is 'I am not my emotions.' This is a way to cultivate a detached self-awareness, putting some space between my limbic system (from which my emotions emanate) and my prefrontal cortex (where I make conscious decisions). My emotions are information about perceived threats and opportunities, not a guide to how I should evaluate my life or choose to act. When I wake up feeling blue, I am not a sad person; I am someone who probably slept poorly and needs to hit the gym to put things right. This gives me control over my feelings, rather than vice versa. Arthur C. Brooks: Five teachings of the Dalai Lama I try to live by A parting idea: Maybe I dismissed the Himalayan-monastery option too quickly. One school of thought proposes the merits of having no ego at all. This idea underpins the doctrine of anātman in Buddhism: the realization that your individual self is an illusion of the moment. According to this philosophy, what you see as an essential you is really just an evanescent and changing melody in the song of life, taking its place in a chorus with all other melodies. Quiet ego is a wonderful way to mute the cacophony of the egotistical world. You don't need to go the whole way toward the Buddhist self-abnegation of no ego, but you can absolutely enjoy the peace, harmony, and happiness that your quiet ego will bring you.
Yahoo
03-05-2025
- General
- Yahoo
The Link Between Happiness and Social Connection
This is an edition of The Wonder Reader, a newsletter in which our editors recommend a set of stories to spark your curiosity and fill you with delight. Sign up here to get it every Saturday morning. Think back to a good time you recently had with a loved one: an hours-long conversation with a friend or a perfect night of watching TV on the couch with family. I'd venture to guess you still feel a little surge of warmth when you recall it. It's an intuitive truth that everybody needs these experiences to live a happy life, and recent happiness research suggests that young people can only really flourish when they have 'real-life human contact and love,' Arthur C. Brooks writes. Social connection and community is important for human well-being—not least because it aids in the process of finding meaning and feeling that one's life has purpose, Brooks notes. But young people are facing a series of roadblocks to finding that meaning: Institutions such as organized religion are in decline, and alternative communities are hard to find, especially when young adults are glued to technology. These trends are by now well-known—and yet the path to a better life might come down to incorporating a few basic principles, Brooks argues. The first one? 'Put close relationships with family and friends before virtually everything else.' On Happiness and Connection Why Are Young People Everywhere So Unhappy? By Arthur C. Brooks Here's the answer to that—and what we can do about it. Read the article. What the Longest Study on Human Happiness Found Is the Key to a Good Life By Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz The Harvard Study of Adult Development has established a strong correlation between deep relationships and well-being. The question is, how does a person nurture those deep relationships? Read the article. The Anti-Social Century By Derek Thompson Americans are now spending more time alone than ever. It's changing our personalities, our politics, and even our relationship to reality. Read the article. Still Curious? Why Americans suddenly stopped hanging out: Too much aloneness is creating a crisis of social fitness, Derek Thompson wrote last year. The easiest way to keep your friends: It's a little boring, a little type A, and a lot better than letting relationships fizzle, Serena Dai writes. Other Diversions Marvel doesn't have to try so hard. The elite college students who can't read books (From 2024) Six books you'll want to read outdoors Article originally published at The Atlantic
Atlantic
03-05-2025
- General
- Atlantic
The Link Between Happiness and Social Connection
This is an edition of The Wonder Reader, a newsletter in which our editors recommend a set of stories to spark your curiosity and fill you with delight. Sign up here to get it every Saturday morning. Think back to a good time you recently had with a loved one: an hours-long conversation with a friend or a perfect night of watching TV on the couch with family. I'd venture to guess you still feel a little surge of warmth when you recall it. It's an intuitive truth that everybody needs these experiences to live a happy life, and recent happiness research suggests that young people can only really flourish when they have 'real-life human contact and love,' Arthur C. Brooks writes. Social connection and community is important for human well-being—not least because it aids in the process of finding meaning and feeling that one's life has purpose, Brooks notes. But young people are facing a series of roadblocks to finding that meaning: Institutions such as organized religion are in decline, and alternative communities are hard to find, especially when young adults are glued to technology. These trends are by now well-known—and yet the path to a better life might come down to incorporating a few basic principles, Brooks argues. The first one? 'Put close relationships with family and friends before virtually everything else.' On Happiness and Connection Why Are Young People Everywhere So Unhappy? By Arthur C. Brooks Here's the answer to that—and what we can do about it. Read the article. What the Longest Study on Human Happiness Found Is the Key to a Good Life By Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz The Harvard Study of Adult Development has established a strong correlation between deep relationships and well-being. The question is, how does a person nurture those deep relationships? Read the article. The Anti-Social Century By Derek Thompson Americans are now spending more time alone than ever. It's changing our personalities, our politics, and even our relationship to reality. Still Curious? Why Americans suddenly stopped hanging out: Too much aloneness is creating a crisis of social fitness, Derek Thompson wrote last year. Other Diversions
Yahoo
10-04-2025
- Yahoo
How to Spot and Stop a Sociopath
Want to stay current with Arthur's writing? Sign up to get an email every time a new column comes out. 'What just happened?' you're asking yourself. You knew the conversation would be tricky because you had to tackle someone about their misbehavior. Maybe it was a colleague who claimed your work idea as their own; maybe it was a new friend who said nasty things behind your back; or maybe it was a romantic partner who was unfaithful. The evidence is incontrovertible—so much so that, had the boot been on the other foot, you would be confessing your error and asking for forgiveness. But that's not this person's MO. No, in the face of clear wrongdoing, they denied everything. Instead of showing contrition, they counterattacked, maybe even accusing you of the very behavior they committed. To top it off, they played the victim and cast you as the real offender. The whole interaction left you upset and confused—even questioning your perception. Is it possible that you got the whole thing backwards? Congratulations, you have just been mugged by DARVO, an acronym that stands for 'Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.' DARVO is a technique we may well encounter in our daily life when dealing with sociopathic personalities. This type of person-to-person psychological warfare is designed to deflect any penalty for misbehavior, and turn it instead into an opportunity to gain power over you. For a well-adjusted, mentally healthy person, to be DARVO'd is a bewildering and unsettling experience. But once you understand how the technique works, you'll never have to be its victim again. [Arthur C. Brooks: The sociopaths among us—and how to avoid them] The acronym was devised in 1997 by the University of Oregon psychologist Jennifer Freyd, who has extensively studied domestic and sexual abuse, and the characteristics of those who often perpetrate it. She observed that when confronted with evidence of their misconduct, abusers typically begin by denying or minimizing culpability ('You're making a big deal out of nothing'), before accusing the victim of creating the problem ('You regret what happened, and now you're blaming me') and then reversing the roles of victim and offender ('You should really be the one apologizing'). Freyd's work generally focused on the worst kinds of transgressions, but together with other researchers, she found that DARVO also commonly occurs when some people face criticism for more ordinary misbehavior. Scholars in 2017 asked 138 undergraduate survey respondents to recall an occasion when they'd confronted another person over a clear wrongdoing, which could include instances of personal abuse, social exclusion, or the silent treatment. The researchers found that the victims had experienced some degree of DARVO behavior in the majority of the confrontations reported. The study also discovered that women were almost 25 percent more likely than men to experience the technique, and that DARVO is disturbingly effective at eliciting some measure of self-blame in its victims. DARVO behavior has some features in common with 'gaslighting,' a term that comes from the title of a 1938 British play in which an emotionally abusive husband manipulates his wife to convince her that she's losing her mind. The practice of deception and coercive control in classic gaslighting has led to a looser popular usage that describes how a perpetrator of harm, when called out for it, plays the victim by claiming that their action has been maliciously misrepresented. You can see how DARVO-like this Don't believe your lying eyes tactic is. This ploy is everywhere in politics, media, and the internet—anywhere, in fact, with a considerable population of bad-faith actors. Some scholars argue that we now inhabit a 'culture of offense,' a way of turning a claim that some behavior or statement is offensive into, in effect, a right to be offended, which creates a further claim of victimhood. I expect that we can all think of examples of how this culture can be used as a cudgel to disingenuously keep disfavored views and voices out of the public realm. Researchers have even identified a phenomenon we could call 'gaslighting squared'—when gaslighters themselves use an accusation of gaslighting against others. In this form of DARVO, they deny the charge of gaslighting, accuse you of gaslighting them instead, and achieve their victim-offender reversal that way. What type of person tends to gaslight others most effectively? The answer is the Dark Triad, the estimated 7 percent of the population I've written about previously who have above-average levels of three negative personality traits: narcissism (it's all about me), Machiavellianism (I'm willing to hurt you to get what I want), and psychopathy (I feel no empathy for you and no remorse when I victimize you). (Worried that you might be one? You can take a Dark Triad quiz here.) Researchers in 2021 showed that, in young adults, gaslighting is closely associated with Machiavellianism and psychopathy. Gaslighting is also strongly tied to sadism; in other words, when an abuser's duplicitousness causes you confusion and misery, they get a kick out of that. Sadism is such a persistent feature of this personality type, in fact, that some scholars regard it as the fourth trait of a Dark Tetrad character. If you sense that people who repeatedly use DARVO on you are fundamentally off, you may be right: Neurologically, at least, people who belong to the Dark Triad are different from the rest of the population. Observation and analysis have determined that these people have lower brain volume than the general population in areas related to emotional regulation (the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, the cingulate cortex) and reward (the ventral striatum, the orbitofrontal cortex). This is why 'curing' a gaslighter is so hard. Indeed, Dark Triad traits—especially when full-blown psychopathy is involved—are almost impossible to remedy. [Read: Are you using gaslight correctly?] But what about the victim of DARVO—the actual victim, not the self-proclaimed reverse one? For someone subjected to the technique, questioning whether the misbehavior really happened, or whether they somehow misjudged the situation, is actually an indicator of their emotional health. The very thing that makes you a decent human, in other words, is what the perpetrator seizes upon to induce doubt and self-blame. Susceptibility to this moral self-questioning is what DARVO aims to exploit. One useful tool to assess any interaction of this type that you may have had is Professor Freyd's DARVO Experiences Questionnaire. An obvious course of action, if you believe you have been a DARVO victim, is to avoid the perpetrator in the future. Dark Triads don't generally change their ways, because they can't alter the gray matter governing their emotional regulation and reward systems. Further, their psychopathic tendencies make them incapable of remorse: If you're not sorry for doing something, and it yielded the results you sought, you will go on doing it. Even better is to be able to identify a DARVO user before establishing a romance, friendship, or work partnership. One way to do this is by observing a person's internet activity, if you can. People with Dark Triad characteristics have been found to be especially drawn to what clinicians euphemistically call 'problematic social-media use.' Someone who's always getting into online fights, let alone trolling or doxxing, may be inclined toward the DARVO jiu-jitsu. And if you discover that they are gaslighting people online, you can bet they will gaslight you in real life. Beware and cut ties if you can. Take special care with dating: Dark Triads can present as charming and captivating, because they tend to be more invested in getting you to love them first than they are in establishing the basis of a mutually loving partnership. If you feel you're being swept off your feet, try to bring a healthy dose of skepticism to bear on this seeming dreamboat. Do your research—some digging into their social-media profiles, in particular: Are they very online? Do they get into a lot of scraps? Are they gaslighting others? If so, move on. Finally, it should go without saying, but avoid using DARVO yourself. If you were a true Dark Triad, I doubt you'd have bothered reading this column. But gaslighting behavior isn't a binary phenomenon; it comes in shades. Even a well-balanced person can lapse into some pathological interpersonal habits. If you think you may have indulged in some questionable retaliatory behavior, particularly when you felt criticized and defensive, go back to Freyd's DARVO quiz above and interrogate your own communications, especially those that involved some conflict. Most of us have probably been guilty of some version of this at some point. Do you find yourself ever playing the victim after having offended your romantic partner? Do you ever use attack as a way to fend off legitimate questions or accusations? Because the DARVO technique is so effective, you might have subtly adopted some of its features without even realizing. But you can be certain of this: DARVO destroys relationships. Use it persistently, and you might just find yourself gaslighting all the way to a divorce court. [Arthur C. Brooks: The ultimate antidote to toxic behavior online] One last point: Many instances in life can involve genuine miscommunication and confusion—a contretemps in which someone's intent was not to offend or hurt you, or when you were, in fact, thin-skinned. An honest person is open to that possibility, because none of us is perfect. A dishonest person, however, never admits to having misjudged another person, and will gladly turn defense into offense. So be alert to DARVO, and learn to avoid the perpetrators. But be alert also to your own potential to be a DARVO perpetrator, even in a partial or temporary way. If you can accept criticism from others with grace and humility—and never try to turn the tables by claiming victimhood for yourself at their expense—you will be well defended against gaslighting, yours and theirs. Article originally published at The Atlantic
Atlantic
10-04-2025
- Atlantic
How to Spot and Stop a Sociopath
Want to stay current with Arthur's writing? Sign up to get an email every time a new column comes out. 'What just happened?' you're asking yourself. You knew the conversation would be tricky because you had to tackle someone about their misbehavior. Maybe it was a colleague who claimed your work idea as their own; maybe it was a new friend who said nasty things behind your back; or maybe it was a romantic partner who was unfaithful. The evidence is incontrovertible—so much so that, had the boot been on the other foot, you would be confessing your error and asking for forgiveness. But that's not this person's MO. No, in the face of clear wrongdoing, they denied everything. Instead of showing contrition, they counterattacked, maybe even accusing you of the very behavior they committed. To top it off, they played the victim and cast you as the real offender. The whole interaction left you upset and confused—even questioning your perception. Is it possible that you got the whole thing backwards? Congratulations, you have just been mugged by DARVO, an acronym that stands for 'Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.' DARVO is a technique we may well encounter in our daily life when dealing with sociopathic personalities. This type of person-to-person psychological warfare is designed to deflect any penalty for misbehavior, and turn it instead into an opportunity to gain power over you. For a well-adjusted, mentally healthy person, to be DARVO'd is a bewildering and unsettling experience. But once you understand how the technique works, you'll never have to be its victim again. Arthur C. Brooks: The sociopaths among us—and how to avoid them The acronym was devised in 1997 by the University of Oregon psychologist Jennifer Freyd, who has extensively studied domestic and sexual abuse, and the characteristics of those who often perpetrate it. She observed that when confronted with evidence of their misconduct, abusers typically begin by denying or minimizing culpability ('You're making a big deal out of nothing'), before accusing the victim of creating the problem ('You regret what happened, and now you're blaming me') and then reversing the roles of victim and offender ('You should really be the one apologizing'). Freyd's work generally focused on the worst kinds of transgressions, but together with other researchers, she found that DARVO also commonly occurs when some people face criticism for more ordinary misbehavior. Scholars in 2017 asked 138 undergraduate survey respondents to recall an occasion when they'd confronted another person over a clear wrongdoing, which could include instances of personal abuse, social exclusion, or the silent treatment. The researchers found that the victims had experienced some degree of DARVO behavior in the majority of the confrontations reported. The study also discovered that women were almost 25 percent more likely than men to experience the technique, and that DARVO is disturbingly effective at eliciting some measure of self-blame in its victims. DARVO behavior has some features in common with 'gaslighting,' a term that comes from the title of a 1938 British play in which an emotionally abusive husband manipulates his wife to convince her that she's losing her mind. The practice of deception and coercive control in classic gaslighting has led to a looser popular usage that describes how a perpetrator of harm, when called out for it, plays the victim by claiming that their action has been maliciously misrepresented. You can see how DARVO-like this Don't believe your lying eyes tactic is. This ploy is everywhere in politics, media, and the internet—anywhere, in fact, with a considerable population of bad-faith actors. Some scholars argue that we now inhabit a 'culture of offense,' a way of turning a claim that some behavior or statement is offensive into, in effect, a right to be offended, which creates a further claim of victimhood. I expect that we can all think of examples of how this culture can be used as a cudgel to disingenuously keep disfavored views and voices out of the public realm. Researchers have even identified a phenomenon we could call 'gaslighting squared'—when gaslighters themselves use an accusation of gaslighting against others. In this form of DARVO, they deny the charge of gaslighting, accuse you of gaslighting them instead, and achieve their victim-offender reversal that way. What type of person tends to gaslight others most effectively? The answer is the Dark Triad, the estimated 7 percent of the population I've written about previously who have above-average levels of three negative personality traits: narcissism (it's all about me), Machiavellianism (I'm willing to hurt you to get what I want), and psychopathy (I feel no empathy for you and no remorse when I victimize you). (Worried that you might be one? You can take a Dark Triad quiz here.) Researchers in 2021 showed that, in young adults, gaslighting is closely associated with Machiavellianism and psychopathy. Gaslighting is also strongly tied to sadism; in other words, when an abuser's duplicitousness causes you confusion and misery, they get a kick out of that. Sadism is such a persistent feature of this personality type, in fact, that some scholars regard it as the fourth trait of a Dark Tetrad character. If you sense that people who repeatedly use DARVO on you are fundamentally off, you may be right: Neurologically, at least, people who belong to the Dark Triad are different from the rest of the population. Observation and analysis have determined that these people have lower brain volume than the general population in areas related to emotional regulation (the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, the cingulate cortex) and reward (the ventral striatum, the orbitofrontal cortex). This is why 'curing' a gaslighter is so hard. Indeed, Dark Triad traits—especially when full-blown psychopathy is involved—are almost impossible to remedy. But what about the victim of DARVO—the actual victim, not the self-proclaimed reverse one? For someone subjected to the technique, questioning whether the misbehavior really happened, or whether they somehow misjudged the situation, is actually an indicator of their emotional health. The very thing that makes you a decent human, in other words, is what the perpetrator seizes upon to induce doubt and self-blame. Susceptibility to this moral self-questioning is what DARVO aims to exploit. One useful tool to assess any interaction of this type that you may have had is Professor Freyd's DARVO Experiences Questionnaire. An obvious course of action, if you believe you have been a DARVO victim, is to avoid the perpetrator in the future. Dark Triads don't generally change their ways, because they can't alter the gray matter governing their emotional regulation and reward systems. Further, their psychopathic tendencies make them incapable of remorse: If you're not sorry for doing something, and it yielded the results you sought, you will go on doing it. Even better is to be able to identify a DARVO user before establishing a romance, friendship, or work partnership. One way to do this is by observing a person's internet activity, if you can. People with Dark Triad characteristics have been found to be especially drawn to what clinicians euphemistically call 'problematic social-media use.' Someone who's always getting into online fights, let alone trolling or doxxing, may be inclined toward the DARVO jiu-jitsu. And if you discover that they are gaslighting people online, you can bet they will gaslight you in real life. Beware and cut ties if you can. Take special care with dating: Dark Triads can present as charming and captivating, because they tend to be more invested in getting you to love them first than they are in establishing the basis of a mutually loving partnership. If you feel you're being swept off your feet, try to bring a healthy dose of skepticism to bear on this seeming dreamboat. Do your research—some digging into their social-media profiles, in particular: Are they very online? Do they get into a lot of scraps? Are they gaslighting others? If so, move on. Finally, it should go without saying, but avoid using DARVO yourself. If you were a true Dark Triad, I doubt you'd have bothered reading this column. But gaslighting behavior isn't a binary phenomenon; it comes in shades. Even a well-balanced person can lapse into some pathological interpersonal habits. If you think you may have indulged in some questionable retaliatory behavior, particularly when you felt criticized and defensive, go back to Freyd's DARVO quiz above and interrogate your own communications, especially those that involved some conflict. Most of us have probably been guilty of some version of this at some point. Do you find yourself ever playing the victim after having offended your romantic partner? Do you ever use attack as a way to fend off legitimate questions or accusations? Because the DARVO technique is so effective, you might have subtly adopted some of its features without even realizing. But you can be certain of this: DARVO destroys relationships. Use it persistently, and you might just find yourself gaslighting all the way to a divorce court. Arthur C. Brooks: The ultimate antidote to toxic behavior online One last point: Many instances in life can involve genuine miscommunication and confusion—a contretemps in which someone's intent was not to offend or hurt you, or when you were, in fact, thin-skinned. An honest person is open to that possibility, because none of us is perfect. A dishonest person, however, never admits to having misjudged another person, and will gladly turn defense into offense. So be alert to DARVO, and learn to avoid the perpetrators. But be alert also to your own potential to be a DARVO perpetrator, even in a partial or temporary way. If you can accept criticism from others with grace and humility—and never try to turn the tables by claiming victimhood for yourself at their expense—you will be well defended against gaslighting, yours and theirs.
