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Time of India

Rate of girth

Bachi Karkaria's Erratica and its cheeky sign-off character, Alec Smart, have had a growing league of followers since 1994 when the column began in the Metropolis on Saturday. It now appears on the Edit Page of the Times of India, every Thursday. It takes a sly dig at whatever has inflated political/celebrity egos, and got public knickers in a twist that week. It makes you chuckle, think and marvel at the elasticity of the English language. It is a shooting-from-the-lip advice column to the lovelorn and otherwise torn, telling them to stop cribbing and start living -- all in her her branded pithy, witty style. LESS ... MORE Space for customised sizing expands for women Anne McClain finally took a walk up there. She couldn't go on the 2019 NASA mission because there weren't enough medium-size spacesuits; she'd requested a size change after her previous outing. Looks like even the sky's not the limit for gendering. Bet some MCP, as in Mission Control Pig, had rolled his eyes and muttered, 'How much do American women want? Svetlana Savitskaya would have been blasted into Siberia instead of history if she'd made any such fuss. They're getting Prada and Axiom-designed space suits for the 2026 Moon landing; now they want customised size too! Really! Give them an inch and they want to become rulers!' Really? Ask any woman on earth and she'll say, 'Hey size matters more for women, so will you guys pleease zip up about yours!' There's the other height of discrimination. If immigration hadn't become thin ICE, I could've joined NASA, National Association of Short Americans. Its 'member', CNN's Belle Adler mentioned it when we were together on a Jefferson Fellowship programme, Hawaii. My shortcomings were exposed at its very start. My bag didn't arrive for a full five days, and Honolulu stores had no Petite section. Ubiquitous mumu would have fitted me, but not East West Centre dress code. Fellow-sizee Belle rescued me. Myriad lemons are thrown at the U-5 team. Low life, we are constantly 'overlooked'. My social demands as Bombay Times editor threw bonsai me among swaying palms of vertiginous models. When I had to pull up my growing boys, I had to first ask them to sit down. Now my teenstalk grandson sweeps the air like a searchlight and teases, 'Where are you, Ga?' Age reconciled me to being longitudinally challenged; now the problem is latitudinal. Gravity may have been proved by an apple, but it drags the female form closer to a pear. Try finding a dress that's S on top, L at the hips and M in between. No wonder, the 'measurement' problem in quantum mechanics is among the toughest of physics conundrums. Hindutva may be squeezing us into a culturally incongruous one-size-fits-all nation, but I'd welcome a static 'Hindu rate of girth'. *** Alec Smart said: 'Peace needs a yearlong Mother's Day.' Facebook Twitter Linkedin Email Disclaimer Views expressed above are the author's own.