11 hours ago
‘We don't fight, we feel nothing': How emotionally disconnected marriages are fueling mental health epidemic in India
In our rapidly evolving social landscape, conversations around mental health are finally getting the mainstream attention that they deserve. Yet it's surprising to see that we as a society often neglect one of the most potent triggers of this issue: marriages lacking emotional connection.
It is when there are no loud arguments or visible fights, but each partner begins to emotionally shut down, feeling disconnected, unheard and unseen even when they are physically sharing the same room, bed or even responsibilities.
Busy fixing the obvious signs of marital discord, we tend to overlook this crucial aspect as 'just a phase' without realising how it's causing chronic stress, anxiety or even depression in individuals across all ages. Despite smiling Instagram photos, dream couple vacation reels and co-parenting schedules, couples find themselves feeling emotionally alone.
In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Sachin Mehla, a certified couple therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Bhavvyaa Kulsrestha, a clinical psychologist, discussed the key factors fueling this silent epidemic, one that could potentially shape India's next major mental health crisis.
"Earlier marital issues were all about screaming, physical violence or constant disagreements. But now we are seeing a new kind of discord, where couples come to therapy not because they argue but because they go silent," says Sachin. He further adds, from the lens of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), when partners stop turning toward each other for emotional support, they unknowingly break their secure attachment bond.
Bhavvyaa adds, 'Emotional shutdown is extremely detrimental to overall well-being. Over time, it leads to chronic loneliness, anxiety, and even symptoms of depression while still being dismissed as 'just a phase' by most families.'
"With social media becoming an integral part of our lives, modern couples prioritise 'looking happy instead of being happy'. With no real emotional safety, couples live a dual life, content publicly, hollow in private and the constant labour of maintaining this facade has detrimental psychological impacts," explains Bhavvyaa.
"In EFT, we often see couples who've stopped showing up for each other emotionally but continue to 'show up' together on social media. That discrepancy widens the gap further," says Sachin. Over time, this gap creates a feeling of confusion along with a sense of isolation that none of the partners understand because from the outside everything seems fine.
"When individuals come in, they rarely say 'we feel distant', instead, they report anxiety, burnout, irritability, or loneliness that they can't quite explain," says Bhavvyaa. She notes that emotional neglect in a relationship doesn't scream, it fosters quietly. This quiet erosion of connection can have significant psychological consequences, especially when people acknowledge the disconnection as a personal failure rather than a relational issue.
Sachin stresses the urgent need to shift our perspective around therapy, "it's not damage control, but rather emotional maintenance. The biggest myth that we encounter is that couples should try everything on their own before seeking help. But in reality, the earlier you address patterns of emotional distance, the easier they are to shift," he explains. Through the lens of EFT, Sachin helps couples identify breakdowns in emotional responsiveness before they harden into disconnection.
"One of the core causes of the emotional gap in Indian marriages can be traced back to early childhood. We have often seen young boys are often asked to 'be strong' or 'men don't cry', showcasing emotional vulnerability is considered to be a feminine trait or weakness. While growing up, men were deprived of showing emotional sides and suddenly were expected to be emotionally available to their wives. Is it even fair? As a society, we must understand that most of the men in our society are not indifferent but are emotionally illiterate," highlights Bhavvyaa.
According to Sachin, EFT focuses on supporting such individuals first to identify and then communicate core emotions like fear, shame, or need without viewing them as weaknesses. "When partners learn to be vulnerable together, even after years of silence, the relationship begins to grow," he says.
"Women in traditional marriages are often expected to suppress their emotional needs, and over time, they begin to dissociate from their own desires and identity. It's a slow, silent form of emotional burnout. But this isn't limited to conventional roles. Even in seemingly equal partnerships, women tend to take ownership of the unspoken responsibility of emotional upkeep in the family. This labour they carry is invisible, yet immense," says Bhavvyaa.
Additionally, she points out that many high-functioning women show up to therapy with burnout and anxiety, not realising it stems from years of unmet emotional needs in their relationships.
Sachin reinforces, "In therapy, we have observed that many women can't express what they want from the relationship because they've never been asked. They've been taught to keep the marriage intact, no matter what." He also highlights that in EFT, this often shows up as women softening or silencing their needs to keep peace, while the male partner assumes the absence of conflict equals healthy relationships. But this dynamic, if left unchecked, leads to mutual detachment and long-term resentment.
