2 days ago
Trump gives off strongman pageantry with military parade we're paying for
We've all had that friend. The one who drops a year's salary on a one-day wedding with monogrammed cocktail ice and fireworks timed to the couple's first kiss. You smile politely, wear the overpriced bridesmaid dress, and pretend the champagne tower wasn't funded with a 401(k) withdrawal.
Now imagine that wedding, but with tanks.
Because on June 14, the 250th birthday of the U.S. Army and, coincidentally, the 79th birthday of President Donald Trump, we're all invited to his "Big Fat Military Parade."
It's unnecessary. It's over the top. It's wildly expensive. And yes — we're paying for it.
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So in the spirit of love, liberty, and judgment, here are 6 ways Trump's parade is like your friend's over-the-top gauche wedding:
Your friend spent $100,000 on a single day while still renting a studio apartment and paying 23.99% interest on her credit card balance. This parade? Same energy.
It's projected to cost up to $45 million dollars, but just like any good wedding, this one will likely blow the budget. We're talking tens of millions of dollars for tanks, jets, porta-potties, and housing the troops. Let's hope Rudy Giuliani's appearance fee these days is just a bottle of scotch and partial immunity. That's money that could actually help our troops and veterans with housing, healthcare, and food assistance.
Instead they're being paraded around like GI Joe action figures at an America First themed birthday party with enough red, white, and blue smoke to make a bald eagle develop asthma.
Trump's argument that tanks rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue is a demonstration of 'patriotism' is about as believable as your friend's horse-drawn carriage, champagne wall and a third outfit change demonstrating her love and commitment to Chad.
This parade is about creating an Instagram thirst-trap but with tanks. We're about to get an epic amount of social media content set to a Lee Greenwood soundtrack.
Just like a destination wedding, this isn't something most people asked for — and yet, we're the ones footing the bill. Americans struggling with rent, insulin costs, and groceries now get to sponsor the equivalent to a wedding in Bali they never RSVPed to — except instead of frequent flyer miles, they're paying for it in federal deficit.
We didn't ask for this. We didn't budget for this. And we certainly don't need a military-themed engagement party for a man who avoided military service and now wants to wear patriotism like a rented tux.
After the wedding? Broken wine glasses, credit card debt, and a drunk cousin crying by the photo booth. After the parade? Damaged streets, a gross misuse of public funds, and a fresh round of international side-eye. And like any bad wedding, the rest of us are left with a hangover and haunting memories of forced applause.
Some brides plan weddings that are less about a joyful union and more about going viral. She's not inspired by love; she's copying Kim Kardashian's flower wall and Marie Antoinette's budget. Trump's parade Pinterest board seems to be emulating an aesthetic that is part Putin, part Kim Jong Un, with a little young Mussolini mustache twirl.
The whole thing screams 'strongman pageantry,' except instead of tiaras and couture, we're flexing tanks and fighter jets.
Trump's June 14 parade isn't about the country. It's about control, image, and the illusion of strength — just like your friend's over the top wedding was less about commitment and more about drone footage of the Amalfi Coast.
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Let's stop pretending this is normal.
A true celebration of America doesn't need tanks. Just like a good wedding doesn't need a fog machine, a 17 piece big band or a commemorative hashtag.
If this really were a wedding? I'd give it six months.
Kristin Brey is the "My Take" columnist for the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.
This article originally appeared on Milwaukee Journal Sentinel: True celebration of America doesn't need tanks or flyovers | Opinion
