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The Herald Scotland

Forget Eurovision, here's where the smash hits are

Brace yourself, this evening, for a cavalcade of caterwauling, as so-so singers perform so-awful songs, while a tone-deaf audience cheer every woeful, witless warble. And, no, this doesn't mean that the landlord at your local boozer managed to fix the karaoke machine, thus enabling a tipsy hen party to stagger on stage, en masse, to screech half-remembered words into the microphone. Worse than that… it's the Eurovision Song Contest, the most hideous event that Europeans have inflicted upon each other, apart from two world wars. But fear not, faithful reader. Escape is at hand. All you have to do is switch off the telly. (Or throw a brick at it for a more satisfying result.) Now, in the blissful, song-free silence that ensues, enjoy the following classic tales from our archives… Cheeky about cheeks A reader was in a crowded Byres Road during a West End festival when he heard a young lad ask the woman holding his hand: 'Mummy, why is your bottom so big?' The woman kept her composure and merely replied: 'That's not a polite thing to ask.' The lad thought about this before trying again: 'Why is your bottom so big, please?' Stroll on We recall when Anna Soubry was the Junior Health Minister at Westminster, and she announced that smoking in cars should be banned to protect children. As one smoker who regularly drove his kids to school told us: 'I've decided not to smoke with the kids in the car. The walk will do them good.' Black humour The Iraq war was grim, though some of the British soldiers who were sent to the Middle East returned with amusing observations. A Scot who was out there told us the difference he noticed between British and American troops. 'A US Marines armoured column which went past had its vehicles nicknamed 'Lifetaker, 'Soul Stealer' and so on. 'A bunch of Black Watch squaddies watching them were a bit bemused. Their warrior fighting vehicle had 'Big Hamish' stencilled on the side.' Flight of fancy A confused reader confessed he didn't know why his mobile phone was broken after his office night out. It only became clear when he went back to work and a colleague asked him if he recalled putting his mobile onto airplane mode and then trying to fly it across the room. Boozy badinage The daft things you hear in the local hostelry. A chap in a Glasgow pub once declared: 'My son's taking a course in engraving. I asked him after the first day if he had learned much, but he said they had hardly scratched the surface.' A joke degree A proud reader once got in touch to tell the Diary: 'My son has managed to get into clown college on a fool scholarship.'