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Noel Edmonds' show is poor man's Clarkson's Farm… but he's right about how much modern Britain has changed

Read on for Ally's thoughts on obvious trans hypocrisy and a killer question by Olivia Attwood ALLY ROSS Noel Edmonds' show is poor man's Clarkson's Farm… but he's right about how much modern Britain has changed Click to share on X/Twitter (Opens in new window) Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) THE most extraordinary television scene of the week featured Noel Edmonds stumbling over his affirmations, in the shower, on the other side of the world. 'I am healthy. I am happy. I am loving. I am loved.' 6 Noel Edmonds on ITV's Kiwi Adventure, where he is attempting to transform 800 acres of New Zealand countryside Credit: PA 6 The show draws some very flattering comparisons with Clarkson's Farm Credit: Amazon 6 Noel remains a television genius who made brilliant mainstream shows adored by millions Credit: PA 'I am . . . ' Mr Blobby's straight man? The drummer from Brown Sauce? Cheap Cheap Cheap's former host? No. 'I am . . . Jesus.' Apparently. A claim delivered with a laugh, but one that wasn't entirely out of character with the self-confident mood on Noel Edmonds' Kiwi Adventure, an entertaining ITV series that's drawn some very flattering comparisons with Clarkson's Farm on account of the fact Nolly is attempting to transform 800 acres of exquisite New Zealand countryside into a 'positivity haven'. And if you're wondering what the hell that might be, try to imagine Primrose Valley Holiday Park if the static caravans were replaced by a vineyard, wellness spa, spectacular scenery and bloody great statue of a knight, erected in honour of Noel slaying the bankers. Monstrous self-regard notwithstanding, Diddly Squat is still clearly the vibe Noel's trying to recreate on this show, even if he sounded more like a serial killer when he attempted to go full Clarkson and said: 'The nail gun is a sex toy. Ann Summers should sell them. It is just the horniest bit of kit.' The most obvious contrast, though, is that while Clarkson's Farm is very much an ensemble piece, filled with authentic characters who clearly adore Jeremy, no matter how much he annoys them, ITV's Kiwi Adventure begins and ends with Noel, who is as oddly mesmerising as he is mesmerisingly odd. First look at Noel Edmonds' Kiwi Adventure David Brent and Alan Partridge are two valid comparisons made by almost everyone, but there's also a hint of Ted and Ralph from The Fast Show underpinning interactions with the staff and even his 'earth angel' wife, Liz, who seems to do most of the real graft. Natural Kiwi reticence may explain some of the awkward silences, but every single one of them has clearly understood there's no call for any sycophancy when you're confronted by an ego as vast as the boss's. There is also no need to tell him he looks great for 76 either, because he's probably already told you, 'I am rocking'. And if you're really unlucky, Noel will go on to claim it's down to the cosmos and the fact that: 'All we are is energy systems and that body energy system touches everything around us and how we move into the bigger matrix, the universal system.' Because this Kiwi Adventure is driven by the fact Noel has clearly read Barbel Mohr's Cosmic Ordering Service and swallowed every word of its pseudo-scientific horse s**t. To that end, he's in the process of creating an energy garden using 'structured water', which doesn't actually exist and has already installed a crystal bath that can no more heal your negative energy than playing Mr Blobby's single at 78rpm can cure your dachshund's tinnitus. Noel's perfectly free to spout this nonsense, of course. I would take his positivity guru status a bit more seriously, though, if he wasn't the sort of man who carries grudges like Mary Poppins carries her magic carpet bag and has an ongoing beef with a New Zealand magazine called Stuff that clearly consumes him. There's no denying, though, all the vendettas and cosmic woo-woo lend themselves to a hugely entertaining ITV stitch-up which almost forces you to pick a side. If that's the case and it's Edmonds versus ITV, I am 100 per cent Team Noel here because, whatever his faults, he remains a television genius who, unlike the fools currently mis-managing Britain's main commercial network, made brilliant mainstream television shows that were adored by millions and have more than earned him his place in this Earthly paradise. House Party And should anyone doubt Noel's ability to read the minds of the great British public, who grew up watching House Party in a happier, funnier, friendlier country than the preachy, uptight, litter-strewn mess we now inhabit, then they should listen to the answer he gives when asked if he misses the UK. 'All the things I miss about Britain are the reasons I left. 'Our country changed so much, so fast, so fundamentally, I found myself a quieter country.' Or, as a memorable Sun front page once nearly put it, will the last person to leave Britain please switch off the telly. Noel Edmonds' Kiwi Adventure, ITV, 9pm, tonight UNEXPECTED MORONS IN BAGGING AREA THE Finish Line, Roman Kemp: 'Chippy is the slang term for what type of tradesman?' Janae: 'A chip shop.' Roman Kemp: 'Based in Norwich, UEA is the University of where?' Mickey: 'America.' And Roman Kemp, who was actually looking for Nepal when he asked Catherine: 'The capital of which country is closest to Mount Everest?' But got: 'London.' SATURDAY, Blankety Blank, Bradley: 'Naga (Munchetty), you're still writing. What are you doing? A letter to someone?' That GMB application isn't going to fill itself in, Brad. RANDOM TV IRRITATIONS BBC climate propagandist Justin Rowlatt hopping around like a madman at the first whiff ofsummer. Nick Frost slumming it for the political cred on Transaction. The BBC vanishing all trace of men from its Summer of Sport promos. And the sad state of ITV which, since 1994, has gone from Whicker's World, to The Price Of Perfection host Olivia Attwood saying: 'Ten years ago, I'd have cut off my left fanny flap for that tan.' With the truly frightening thing being, there's still a long way to go before it reaches rock bottom. DOCTOR MOTOX THE Price Of Perfection, episode three, a Botox specialist called Mohamed, who trades under the name Dr Motox, is hit with a killer question by host Olivia Attwood. 'I have to ask, is Doctor Motox your real name?' It isn't, any more than yours is Olivia Twattwood. WOKE IN A GRAY AREA 6 Jordan Gray flashed his penis on Channel 4's Friday Night WHEN Jerry Sadowitz flashed his penis on stage back in 2022, the woke establishment reacted with outrage and the stand-up was banned from the Edinburgh Festival venue. Yet when Jordan Gray flashed his penis on Channel 4's Friday Night Live, just three months later, the woke establishment reacted with glee and the stand-up was rewarded with a six-part ITV2 sitcom about a chaotic supermarket night shift called Transaction. The clue to this obvious hypocrisy being the Trans half of that title refers to Jordan, who self-identifies as a comedian. And if you're so brainwashed by the gender theory crazies you believe this means I should've written 'her penis' in the second paragraph, then you may also be able to pretend Transaction is a work of comic genius. It'll take a flat-Earther's level of delusion, though, because the cult of woke has no interest in making an audience laugh. It's all about bending them to their deranged political will. Even without the PC handbrake jammed firmly on, however, the darkly unpleasant Transaction would still fail spectacularly on every level as it has no structure, soul, realism, decent characters, work ethic, wit or anything much beyond an endlessly recurring castration joke which leaves you with the distinct impression Jordan's genuinely repulsed by the sight of 'a penis I never asked for'. You'd hope, then, that Jordan now understands Friday Night Live viewers felt exactly the same way. I can offer no other verdict more optimistic here, though, than the possibility there may still be worse television shows to come in 2025. But only if ITV makes a second series of Transaction. BLANKETY Blank, Bradley Walsh: 'Tell us a bit about yourself.' Janae: 'I'm very spiritual. I'm actually a witch, a healer, I'm very good with herbology, numerology, astrology and I'm a Tarot reader.' On second thoughts, don't. GREAT SPORTING INSIGHTS CALLUM WILSON: 'Rodri will soon become the player he already is.' Jermain Defoe: 'You always know what Quenda's going to do. I thought he'd shoot here but he didn't.' And Joe Cole: 'He's hit the post but two inches either way and it's in.' (Compiled by Graham Wray) LOOKALIKE OF THE WEEK 6 King Charles at Ascot, left, and old man Steptoe, right THIS week's winner is King Charles at Ascot and old man Steptoe. Sent in by Callum Craig, Harrogate. GREAT TV lies and delusions of the summer. This Morning, Ben Shephard: 'Rosie Jones' Pushers is a masterpiece. It'll make you laugh a lot.' Love Island, Sophie: 'Harry's really nice you know.' And Jonathan Ross: 'My next guest is a hilarious stand-up comedian who's always brilliant at everything she does. 'It's Judi Love,' who just so happens to have the same agent as Jonathan. TV GOLD 6 ITV4's broadcaster supreme Steve Ryder at Oulton Park's British Touring Cars Championship Credit: Supplied NETFLIX'S Dept Q. Exasperated BBC News anchor Martine Croxall changing 'pregnant people' to 'pregnant women,' live on air. Phil Mitchell's surprisingly tender reaction to Nigel Bates' Alzheimer's diagnosis, on EastEnders. And ITV4's broadcaster supreme Steve Ryder, bringing all the effortless style and wit that marked his career to a trackside invasion of a geese, at Oulton Park's British Touring Cars Championship, which briefly threatened to halt his final ever television appearance: 'A few crowd control issues. "This kind of problem, you can send off into the long grass. So they're on their way to Canada and we can have a gander at the next race.' What a crying shame neither ITV nor the BBC ever really treated Steve with the respect his great talent fully deserved.