a day ago
Another Side of Modern Fatherhood
Much of what you've heard lately about men has probably been negative. Young guys, we're told, are being radicalized and sucked into the manosphere; adult men are toxic, or victims of a loneliness epidemic. We may have become so used to crisis narratives about men, masculinity, and fatherhood that we're failing to see the ways in which men are progressing. One omnipresent parenting influencer, Becky Kennedy, thinks that, when it comes to fatherhood in particular, a lot of dads are doing just fine, and that should be celebrated.
'I asked a group of dads the other day, 'What is something you do that your own dad never did?'' Kennedy, who goes by 'Dr. Becky,' told me earlier this week. 'It brought tears to a lot of their eyes to be able to say, 'Maybe not even 50 percent of the nights, but maybe 30, I put my kids to sleep even if they're screaming for their mom every time. My dad never put me to sleep.' I could cry, John.'
Kennedy has found a large, eager market for her views. Four years ago, Time magazine dubbed her 'the Millennial Parenting Whisperer,' and her reach continues to grow. She's the author of a No. 1 New York Times best-selling book, a podcast host, and the proprietor of a parenting-education program—all branded under the banner 'Good Inside,' her 'app-based membership' platform. On Instagram, she has more than 3 million followers. She makes part of her living on the speaking circuit; at times, the charge for a virtual Dr. Becky appearance has run to as much as $200,000. Her detractors say she's more a shrewd businesswoman than a benevolent force, but thousands of parents have come to see her as some sort of healer. Kennedy, who holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, leans more on anecdotal evidence than on hard research, presenting herself less as an expert and more as a confidante.
At the recent 'Future of Fatherhood Summit' in Midtown Manhattan, Kennedy was among the speakers discussing topics such as caregiving, paid leave, and 'inclusive masculinity.' Most of the voices were male—Jonathan Haidt, Chasten Buttigieg, and Representative Jimmy Gomez of the Congressional Dads Caucus among them. Kennedy's upbeat presentation stood out amid no small amount of pontificating. Kennedy offers a centrist perspective: She rejects the expectation that men are breadwinners and nothing more; she also rejects the idea that dads 'need to be made into moms' or that successful parenting requires 50–50 sharing of household tasks.
Listening to her there, and during a follow-up interview, I thought about one of my favorite New Yorker cartoons. In the frame, a slump-shouldered middle-aged man is holding a vacuum cleaner and daydreaming about a wild celebration—confetti, people cheering, and a banner that reads NED HELPED OUT. Kennedy's glass-half-full mentality is undoubtedly a form of positive reinforcement for guys who feel like they can't do anything right.
Kennedy is often associated with the 'gentle parenting' movement, but her overall philosophy boils down to what she calls 'sturdy parenting,' an even-keeled approach that is, in some ways, a welcome alternative to 'helicopter parenting.' She likes to talk about what she calls 'deeply feeling kids,' or 'DFKs' for short, and her defense of the modern dad is almost a continuation of her child-care approach— You're doing great, sweetie. Like many figures in the wellness and self-improvement space, Kennedy occasionally falls back on platitudes—fathers are looking for a 'dad journey,' not just 'dad duty,' she maintains. And the resetting of expectations that she proposes also runs the risk of stalling progress. At what point does affirmation for dads become nothing more than handing out participation trophies?
Kennedy feels confident that fathers are hungry to better their domestic lives. 'We've had this drumbeat of 'parenting is a skill,' which I think means anyone can learn it,' Kennedy told me. But she's found that today's dads actually have 'less shame' than moms around confronting the hard truth that they may not know everything from the moment their child is born. She believes that this is partly because society doesn't home in on the phrase paternal instinct, whereas an innate 'maternal instinct' is widely expected. In lieu of male pride or obstinacy, she's found modern dads to be genuinely curious. 'They know they don't have the skills,' she said. 'They're like, 'Someone just teach me.''
In the end, Kennedy believes that today's dads, to varying degrees, want 'repair' with their kids, and to be 'cycle-breakers'—making up for all those nights they went to bed without their own dad tucking them in. Rather than raising boys who will end up in the manosphere, they want to teach their kids how to deal with their feelings. In a time of wall-to-wall negativity, Kennedy's optimism is refreshing. Whether or not the proper prescription for modern parenting partnerships lies in patting dads on the back for performing seemingly basic tasks, Kennedy's pragmatism about making men feel capable of the job of raising children seems a worthwhile place to start.
